


West Coast

by Nurmengardx



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Amnesia, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Couple, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 49,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nurmengardx/pseuds/Nurmengardx
Summary: Castiel awakes from a coma with no memories and a supposed husband. On a journey to recover his memories, Castiel struggles to distinguish between the new and the resurfacing.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter One 

 

There were just voices at first, disembodied and whispering. They swirled quietly around Cas, coming and going at will. They came closer and closer, sounding more sinister and threatening the closer they came. Cas tried to run away, but he couldn’t move at all. They came ever closer, and louder, until they surrounded him, yelling in his ears. His eyes snapped open, and the voices were still all around him, frantically shouting. He couldn’t identify any words being said, and machines wailed and bleeped.  A bright, white light blinded him. He tried to take a breath, but found himself gagging on a large _something_ in his throat. Panic bloomed in his chest when it wouldn’t come out on its own. He reached up to his face and felt it covered in dressings that were holding the tube in place. He cried out, the sound muffled by the tube, and scrabbled at the dressings with both hands. Someone grabbed his arms and pulled them away, but it was still too bright to see who it was. Then, for the first time, he heard clear words.

‘Cas, it’s okay, we’re right here, just relax.’

Cas shook his head and yanked one of his arms back, but more hands grabbed him and pinned his arms to his sides.

‘We’re gonna get this thing out of you, just hold still a minute,’ someone else said.

He shook his head even harder and thrashed furiously. He had to get away; he had to get the tube out. He pushed the hands away and again went for the dressings, but he couldn’t get them them off. He began to choke, and screamed.

‘We need to sedate him,’ someone said.

‘Is that safe?’

‘We need to get this ventilator disconnected.’

‘Okay, do it.’

Moments later, Cas’s arms felt like lead, and they dropped onto the bed. The bright light faded again, along with all the voices. When he woke up again, the tube was gone, and he was a lot more comfortable as a result. Someone had dimmed the lights, so he could see a little better.

He appeared to be in a hospital, with IVs attached to one arm, and a heart rate monitor to the other. He turned his head slowly. It felt immensely heavy, and he groaned quietly.

Next to his bed were two men sitting in chairs, asleep. They were both wearing blue scrubs and, though sleeping, looked totally exhausted.

One had short, spiky hair, and was wearing a large, heavy-looking boot on his right leg. The other man had long hair, and his eyes fluttered open at Cas’s groan. He saw that Cas was awake, and elbowed the other man.

‘Dean,’ he murmured.

The other man jerked awake. ‘Wha-?’ Then he saw Cas and inhaled sharply.

‘Are you awake?’ he asked warily.

‘I think so,’ Cas said. His voice was barely more than a whisper, and his throat was raw.

Both men sighed in relief, and a smile spread across the face of the spiky-haired one.

‘That’s good,’ he said. ‘That’s really good.’

‘How did I get here?’ Cas croaked. ‘What happened?

The man's smile faltered. 'You- you were in an accident. It was pretty gnarly, actually. You came out of it with a broken arm and collarbone, four broken ribs, a punctured lung, and some skull fractures. You've, uh-’ he stopped and glanced at the long-haired man briefly before continuing. 'You've been in a coma for a while.’

‘ _What?_ For how long?’

'Nearly nine weeks now.’

Cas's head swam, and he out a shaky hand over his eyes. 'Nine weeks?’ he repeated.

'Yeah. Most everything is healed now, but we don't know the severity of any - any brain damage yet.’

Cas nodded and bit his lip. It was scabbed and dry. 'Brain damage,’ he whispered to himself. He took a deep breath, then lowered his hand to look at them. 'All right, I understand. So, you're my doctor?’

Suddenly, they both looked upset, especially the spiky-haired one.  

'W-what?’

'My doctor?’

'You mean, you don't remember me?’

'I- should I?’

The man let out a short, nervous laugh. 'Th- there's just nothing? No recognition at all?’

Cas shook his head, confused.

'Oh God.’

'What? What is it?’ Cas said, the bleeping on his monitor rising with his heart rate.

'Dean, calm down, you're freaking him out,’ the man with longer hair said. 'The doctor said this might happen.’

'What might happen?’ Cas said, his heart rate rising even further.

The long-haired man put out a placating hand. 'Everything's fine-’

'How is this fine?’ the spiky-haired man named Dean demanded.

'Dean, just relax, please. Just give me a chance to explain to the poor guy what's going on before you flip out, okay? Jeez.’

Dean leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, staring stubbornly at the door on the other side of the room.

'That's more like it. Okay, Cas, do you remember me?’

Cas gave him another look over, but shook his head.

'That's okay. Let's see then, I'm Sam, and this is my brother Dean. The doctor told us that when you woke up, you might experience some memory loss.’

'I see.’

Sam glanced at Dean, who didn't move. 'Man, how do I put this? Okay, uh, you and Dean are sort of-’

'We're married,’ Dean said shortly.

'Oh,’ Cas said, surprised. 'Oh.’

'Yeah, “oh”.’

Sam elbowed him. 'Sorry, he's not mad at you, he's just sorta mad in general.’

Cas chewed on his lip more. 'We're married?’ he said, his heart rate remaining high. 'But I don't know you.’

'It's okay, Cas, it'll be fine, but you gotta calm down.’

But Cas couldn't. His chest tightened, his breath came in short gasps, and all he could see was the hurt on Dean's face. All he could feel was a terrifying blankness when he tried to think back.

The machines went off again, and Sam and Dean argued with each other.

Some nurses burst into the room. One began examining his monitor, and the other came to his bedside and put a reassuring hand on his knee.

'Castiel, can you hear me?’ she said gently, making direct eye contact.

Cas nodded.

'All right, Cas, it looks like you're having a panic attack. Have you had them before?’

He thought about it, but felt sick when he couldn't remember.

Dean answered for him. 'Yeah, he has,’ he said. 'He used to have medication for it, but…’

'I see. Does he have any techniques to bring him out of it?’

Dean shrugged. 'Box breathing usually does the trick.’

'Maybe you should do it,’ Sam suggested.

Dean shrugged again and scooted closer to the bed. 'Okay, Cas, just do as I say, and you'll feel better in a minute. We're gonna take a deep breath in to the count of four, hold it for four, and out for four, got it? I'll count for you, ready?’ Dean reached out and took his hand. His fingers were rough and calloused, but something about them was also warm and comforting. ‘In... two...three...four, hold...two...three... four, out... two...three...four…’

Cas did as Dean instructed. It took a few tries, but his breathing slowed to normal. 'Thank you,’ he said to Dean. Dean only took his hand away, and again leaned back in his chair.

Just then, the door to the room opened, and a man in a white coat with a clipboard walked in. 'Glad to see you finally awake!’ he said brightly, rifling through the paper on his clipboard. 'How are you feeling?’

'Thirsty.’

'Yeah, you will be. I'll just get through this, and then we'll bring you some water. Maybe we'll try a little food too. First though, are you experiencing any pain? How's your head?’

'No pain, I don't think,’ Cas said, wiggling all of his extremities. 'I'm a little dizzy.’

The doctor nodded. 'That's normal. Dizziness is expected at this stage. I'll get you some copies of your x-rays, if you like.’

Cas nodded.

'Now, because of the nature of your head injuries, I'm just going to ask a few more questions, okay? Do you know where you are?’

'I'm in the hospital.’

‘Do you know which one?’

'No.’

'What's your name?’

'Cas.’

'Your full name.’

'Castiel Novak.’

There was a shape intake of breath from Dean, and the doctor frowned.

'What?’ Cas asked.

Dean cleared his throat. 'You took my name when we got married. It's Winchester.’

'Oh.’

The doctor, less cheery now, carried on with his questions. 'Where do you live?’

'I… I don't know,’ Cas said, wracking his brain. ‘Do I live with - um…’

'Dean.’

'Yes, do I live with you?’

'You do.’

'Cas, I just need you to relax,’ the doctor said. 'The sooner we can assess this, the sooner we can decide our next step.’

Cas took a few steadying breaths.

'All right, what do you do? What's your job?’ the doctor said.

Cas shook his head. 'I don't- I can't…’

‘What year is it?’

Cas thought about it. 'Is - is it two-’ His brain was beginning to feel like someone had stuffed it full of cotton wool.

Dean reached out for his hand again, but he snatched it away, putting his hands back over his face.

'My head hurts,’ he groaned, pressure forming in his temples.

'All right, Cas, that's enough for now,’ the doctor said. 'I'll let you rest, and I'll send a nurse by later. If you feel like eating, we'll see about some physio, and get you out of that bed.’

'Thank you, doctor,’ Sam said politely.

The doctor exited the room, still reading through his papers.

They sat in silence. Cas's mind was racing, but he couldn't grasp anything.

'Cas?’ Dean said gently.

Cas lowered his arms to look at him. 'What happened to your leg?’

Dean looked down at the boot on his leg. 'I was in the car with you,’ he mumbled. 'Broken in four places.’

Can nodded. He was already fed up of lying in the bed, so he tried to sit up, but everything was so heavy. He managed to push himself up a little, but swayed heavily once up.

'Careful.’

Sam and Dean both had their arms held out, half out of their seats.

'Your muscles have atrophied a fair amount,’ Sam said. ‘So just take it slow. I'll go see about that water.’

Sam left, running his hands through his hair.

Cas held himself up as long as he could, but flopped back down. He turned to Dean, watching him closely.

Dean was staring down at his knees.

He had a lot of freckles, Cas noticed, and his face was weather beaten, as though he spent a lot of time outside. He searched Dean's features for anything he might recognise.

'We're married?’ he said.

Dean looked up and grimaced. 'Yeah.’

Cas looked down at his hands. There was a tan line on the ring finger of his left hand. 'My ring…’

Dean patted the drawer next to his bed. 'In here.’

'Can I see it?’

Dean hesitated, then pulled it out.

Cas turned it over in his hands. It was a plain gold band. It was polished and looked well cared for.

Dean watched him expectantly, but it didn't trigger any memories.

Cas sighed and passed it back to him. 'I'm sorry,’ he said.

Dean shook his head. 'Don't be.’ He pocketed Cas's ring. 'You know, you can ask me anything. If you had any questions… I like to think I know you pretty well.’

Cas considered him for a moment. 'Am I gay?’

Dean chuckled, a real smile on his face. 'Yeah, you are.’

Cas nodded. That felt right. 'Are you?’

'No.’

'Ah, so I'm special, am I?’

'You could say that.’

Cas looked at him closer. Worry lines creased his forehead, and deep purple shadows ringed his eyes. 'How long have you been here?’

'Today?’

Cas nodded.

'Well, I came to visit yesterday afternoon, like always, but then your EEG started showing some activity. So we waited to see if you would wake up, and you did, but we had to put you back under.’

‘Why?’

'You were freaking out and we couldn't get your tubes out.’

'So you stayed while I was asleep?’

'Yeah.’

Cas could see it in Dean's face, his expression begging Cas to remember.

Then Sam came back in, accompanied by a nurse with a tray. It had a pitcher of water on it, and what looked like pudding cups.

The nurse placed the tray on the table attached to Cas's bed, and pulled it out for him.

He pushed himself up again, arms shaking with the effort. His head spun, but he kept himself up. He took hold of the pitcher, but found himself unable to lift it. Dean reached over and poured a cup for him.

He was able to drink for himself, albeit shakily, and the water was cool, soothing his dry, scratchy throat.

'Now, you want to take these slow,’ the nurse said, opening his pudding cups for him. 'You haven't had anything solid for a while, so your stomach is going to be a little off.’

Eating was a little easier than drinking, not having to hold so much weight in his hand at a time.

The nurse left them to it, taking a glance at Cas's monitors before departing.

Cas put a spoonful of one of them into his mouth and made a face. 'Does this taste funny to you?’ He offered it to Sam and Dean, both of whom tasted it.

'Tastes fine to me,’ Sam shrugged.

'Yeah, it's just banana pudding,’ Dean frowned.

Cas took another mouthful, but screwed up his face. 'I don't like it.’

'But you love banana,’ Dean said.

'Maybe getting hit in the head can change the way you taste stuff,’ Sam suggested.

'Yeah, maybe.’

Dean was quiet while Cas ate the rest of his food.

He felt a lot better after he'd eaten, as though his head had decided to stay put now that he had something in his stomach.

Soon, Sam got up, stretching. 'Listen, guys, I gotta go. I got some stuff to take care of. Cas, I know you don't remember me, or anything, but I want you to know how great it is to have you back. It was touch and go for a while there, and… well, it's just good to have you back.’

'Thank you, uh…’

‘Sam.’

'Right. Thank you, Sam.’

Sam then left as well, leaving Cas and Dean alone.

‘How long have we been married?’ Cas asked, rubbing his ring finger.

'Six years,’ Dean said.

'Really?’

'Yeah.’ Dean watched him rubbing his finger and smiled slightly. 'You used to do that a lot. Play with your ring. When you're thinking. Maybe that means there's still something there.’

Cas nodded. 'Do you have any pictures?’

'Of our wedding? Uh, only one on me, hold on.’ He dug in his pockets for his phone. 'Here.’

He showed Cas the lock screen. It was definitely of the two of them, though Cas barely recognised himself. They were standing outside, holding hands and beaming around. There were flower petals everywhere.

'It looks real cheesy, but it was a good day,’ Dean said.

'It looks like it was.’ Cas handed back the phone.

Dean pocketed it and clasped his hands together. 'Well, at least you believe me.’

'What do you mean?’

'You don't remember me at all, so why should you trust me?’

Cas shrugged. 'I don't know. You seem trustworthy to me.’

After a while, the doctor returned with Cas's charts and x-rays. He explained all the breakages to Cas, and showed him the damaged areas of his brain on a copy of his CT scan.

'That looks bad,’ Cas said.

'Well, no brain damage is good, but you're right. We were worried that you'd remain in a vegetative state, but here you are.’

'Here I am.’

‘How are we looking here, doc? Will he recover?’ Dean asked anxiously.

'I'm afraid it's hard to say at this point,’ the doctor said, a sympathetic expression on his face. 'But I like to be optimistic. It'll take a lot of work, but I think, in time, he'll be able to recover his memory.’

Dean nodded.

'Does all of this make sense, Cas?’ the doctor asked.

'I think so,’ Cas said, rubbing his head.

‘All right, then, I'll send the physiotherapist in.’ He left, and a girl with dark hair came in.

'Hello,’ she smiled. 'I'm Alex.’

'Nice to meet you, Alex,’ Cas said politely.

Her eyes flickered to Dean briefly, but then back to Cas. She instructed Cas to do some exercises in bed first, cycling his legs, and pushing his arms up and down. She got him to sit up, and swing his legs around the side of the bed. They looked skinny and pale. He was already aching by this point, but Alex thought they should at least try standing up.

She placed a walking frame in front of him, and held it steady. 'You can do this, Cas.’

Cas gripped the frame tightly and pushed against it. His bare feet pressed against the cold floor, pins and needles crackled through them. He put some weight on his legs, and they began to shake.

'Come on, Cas,’ Alex said. 'Stand up.’

It was slow going. Sweat poured down Cas’s face from the effort, but he managed to stand up. Alex was close at his side, ready to help him if something went wrong. He caught her eye before he collapsed back onto the bed, breathing heavily.

'Do I know you?’ he asked her, frowning.

Alex glanced at Dean again. 'Yeah, Cas, it's me, Alex. We work together.’

Dean got up and left the room, dragging his boot slightly behind him.

'We work together?’ Cas said, watching Dean go.

'Yeah. We started together as nurses.’

'Here?’

'That's right.’

'I'm a nurse?’

Alex smiled at him. 'Yeah. A pretty good one.’

'Do you know Dean?’

Alex looked at the door Dean had left through. 'I know him a little. Enough to know he won't give up on you.’

‘Is that good?’

'I think so.’ Alex smiled. 'You've done really well today. Keep doing your exercises, and I'm going to leave the frame here in case you feel like walking around, okay?’

Cas lay quietly, now tired from exercising, and was soon asleep. He was woken later on to eat, this time it was some sort of savory baby food, which tasted a lot better than the pudding he'd had earlier. He ate alone, however, Dean had not returned.

He tried standing again once he'd finished eating, and even managed to take a step forwards before sitting back down. He then did some more leg exercises, until he tired himself out again and fell back asleep.

That night, Cas awoke in the dark. All the lights had been turned off. He wondered what had disturbed him, and saw that his door was ajar, and he could hear voices outside. He shifted closer, careful not to make any noise, and listened hard.

'I can't do this, Sam,’ someone said, his voice cracking. Sam and Dean must be back.

'What are you talking about?’ Sam said.

'Why does he recognise her and not me?’

'Dean, he's been working with her for years.’

'He's been _married_ to me for years.’

'So? Brains are weird. Do you think if he could choose who to remember, he wouldn't choose you?’

'But-’

'Look, Dean, you made a promise to him. I was there, we all were. Whether he knows it or not, he needs you, so you're gonna get your ass back in there and be the supportive husband that you are, do you understand me?’

'Sam-’

'I mean it, Dean, he's your husband, not mine.’

Dean sighed. 'You're right.’

'Yeah, I am. Can't you tell that he's trying to remember you? He hasn't stopped staring at you since he woke up.’

'I guess… 'Night, Sam.’

Cas hurriedly closed his eyes, so Dean wouldn't think he'd been listening.

Dean came in, dragging his boot as quietly as he could, and sat down in his chair.

Cas's stomach clenched, and he curled up as much as he could with everything attached to him. Then he felt a hand on his back.

'Cas?’

Cas slowly turned, wincing as he did so.

'Are you okay?’

‘Stomach cramps,’ Cas mumbled. 'Are you?’

'Yeah, I'm fine.’

'When do you get the boot off?’

'A few days.’

'Does it hurt?’

'Not any more.’

Cas’s stomach churned even more, and he realised that he didn't want Dean to leave. 'I don't want you to go,’ he whispered. 'That's good, right?’

'Yeah, that's real good,’ Dean murmured. 'And I'm not going anywhere.’


	2. Chapter Two

Almost a week and many physio sessions later, Cas was deemed fit to go home. 

'I want you back here at least every two weeks for monitoring,’ his doctor said. ‘But at this point, you're more likely to make progress at home.’ 

Cas nodded, his heart making a sickening flip in his chest. He was no longer attached to monitors or a drip, and he could walk around for ten minutes before getting tired, but he was nervous. He still couldn't remember Dean, or anything about their life. What was home? 

'That's great, doc,’ Dean smiled. His boot had been removed, and though a slight limp still lingered, he appeared to be healed. 'Thank you.’

'All right, I'll get someone in here with your discharge papers, and you're free to go.’ 

Dean shook his hand warmly, thanking him profusely as he left. 

Cas watched him, sitting up in his bed. 

'What?’ Dean asked. 

Cas shook his head. 

'Don't look so worried,’ Dean said. 'It doesn't matter if you remember home, you'll love it anyway, trust me.’  

Cas nodded, though a little apprehensively. 

Dean filled out the discharge papers for him, seeing as the only information he could remember was his own name, then he was sat in a wheelchair and wheeled out of the building. 

'I got it from here,’ Dean said to the orderly, taking hold of the chair. 

Cas closed his eyes once they were outside. The sun shone down on his eyelids and a gentle breeze caressed his cheeks. He realised it has been a long time since he'd been outside and relished the feeling. He could smell salt on the air and hear the wind rustling the trees. Birds sang all around him, and he felt he could name each one, if only he could remember the names. 

Dean wheeled him gently through the parking lot, allowing him to soak up the outdoors, until they arrived at the car. 

Cas opened his eyes and was confused by what he saw. A shiny blue Toyota, which Dean unlocked with a click of the keys. 'This isn't your car,’ he said, with an odd certainty. 

'You remember my car?’ Dean said, eyebrows shooting up. 

'No, but this isn't it.’ 

'Well, you're right, this isn't my car. Mine's still in the shop. She got pretty beat up. No, this is your car.’

'Mine?’ Cas said, even more confused. 'I don't drive, do I?’

'You didn't used to,’ Dean said, opening the passenger door. 'You used to cycle everywhere, but I made you get a car. I thought it would be safer. Go figure.’ There was a bitter note to his voice, but he quickly buried it with a smile and made sure Cas was comfortably in the car before closing the door. He folded up the wheelchair and shoved it into the trunk. 

Cas sat quietly in his seat, running his hands along the dashboard. It was very clean inside and he wondered whether it was him or Dean that kept it so. He glanced up at the rearview mirror and saw Dean struggling with the wheelchair. He decided that it wasn't Dean that kept the car clean, and investigated around the driver's side. Sure enough, he found wrappers shoved into the door, and an empty bottle in the footwell. He picked it up and put it with the rest of the wrappers. He absent-mindedly fiddled with his seat, and pulled down the sun visor. A piece of paper floated down and landed in his lap. 

'Whatcha got there?’ Dean asked, climbing into the driver's seat. 

'A picture of you, I think,’ Cas said, squinting at it. 

It was a small square picture, featuring Dean after just eating something, his cheeks round and full like a squirrel’s. 

'I didn't know you had this,’ Dean chuckled. 'I don't even remember where that's from.’ He gazed at it fondly, then started up the car and drove smoothly out of the parking lot. 

Cas stared out of the window with the picture of Dean in his hand, watching the world roll by. They went through a small town at first, then out into the quiet countryside. Eventually, they drove into a village, and pulled in to a long driveway, lined with trees. Dean turned left right at the very end, into another, smaller drive. He stopped the car at the bottom and opened the wide gate. Then he dropped back down into the car and slowly drove it onto the gravelly yard. 

Cas leaned forward in his seat to take it all in. Dean parked the car on the patch of gravel in front of the house, but there was a small square of grass to the left of it. A large apple tree stood in the centre of it, with a stone bird bath just underneath. 

The house itself appeared to be a bungalow, made of yellowish stone. It had one large red front door, and another, smaller door on the side. To the right of the house was an empty garage, where Cas assumed Dean kept his car; and a path that lead down the side of the house. 

Cas jumped as his door opened. He had been so entranced by the house that he hadn't noticed Dean get out and walk around the car. Dean extended a hand, looking extremely pleased with himself. 'Come on,’ he said. 'Can you walk, or do you need the chair?’

Cas looked at the short path between the car and the door, considering it carefully. 'I can do it,’ he said. 

Dean helped him out of the car, but hovered behind him as he walked up to the door. He put a hand on the door knob. Up close, he saw the red paint peeling on the door, and the white net curtains through the window. It wasn't familiar, but it was welcoming. 

It smelled like fresh air as soon as he walked inside. The hallway was narrow, with two closed doors to the left, and glass door straight ahead. The hall lead away to the right, with another glass door at the end. The carpets were beige and the walls were patterned blue. 

'I suppose I'd better give you the tour,’ Dean said, closing the front door behind him. 'That's the spare room in there,’ he said, gesturing at the first door on the left. 'This is our room.’ he opened the second door and Cas peered inside. It had the same carpet, but the walls were painted white. The bed sat in the middle of the room, underneath the windows that ran all the way around the outside of the room. The bedding was crisp and white, and matching nightstands stood either side. Closets filled the wall closest to Cas. Then he spotted a dog bed on the floor at the foot of the bed. 

'We have a dog?’ he said excitedly. 

'Oh yeah,’ Dean grinned. 

'Where?’ 

'In the living room. Come on.’ 

He followed Dean back out of the bedroom, and into the first glass door. 

The living room was long, with a fish tank on one end and a fireplace on the other. A TV sat in the middle. A large French window opened out onto a balcony on the left side of the TV, and a set of shelves filled with tapes and DVDs that almost reached the ceiling stood to the right  Opposite the TV was two recliner chairs on either side of a comfortable looking couch, and a stone archway lead into the next room. 

Cas heard a whine and looked down to see a small, brown Dachshund running towards him as fast as his tiny legs could take him. Cas gasped and knelt down to meet him. 'Hello!’ he said, the dog jumping up at him, licking him all over, tail wagging so hard it was a blur. 'We have a weiner dog?’ Cas said, scratching the dog behind the ears. 

'Yeah,’ Dean smiled. 'You wanted a retriever or an alsatian or something, but then we met this guy at the shelter. He was just a tiny puppy. Didn't even have a name.’ 

'What  _ is  _ his name?’

Dean grinned again, but this time red spots appeared on his cheeks. 'His name's Hoagie.’

Cas laughed. 'Really? Because he's a weiner dog?’ 

'Actually, it's short for Hulk Hogan.’ 

Cas hugged Hoagie, who whined again and continued to lick Cas as much as possible. 

'He missed you,’ Dean said. 

Cas made to stand, but didn't quite have the strength to push himself up from the ground. 

'It's all right, I got you,’ Dean said, lifting him up. 'Do you want to sit down for a while?’

Cas shook his head. 'I can keep going. What's through there?’

Dean showed him through the stone arch to the dining room. 

There was another French window with another balcony. A small, pine table and matching chairs filled most of the room, with a cabinet to one side that had a bowl of fruit and a record player on top. 

Cas walked around the table to look out of the window. ‘Wow,’ he breathed. 

The balconies connected by concrete steps and white railings, then lead down onto a paved area. There was a large greenhouse and a pond just off the paved area, then behind those was a large garden. The lawn had gotten a little overgrown, but flowerbeds bloomed all around the edges, along with lots of different fruit trees. It ended in a neat hedge, though it too was looking a little overgrown.  

Beyond the garden, Cas could see rolling fields and hills, and to the left was the ocean, glittering in the sun. 'Wow,’ he said again. 

'Sometimes thunderstorms get caught in the valley over there, and you can see everything from here,’ Dean told him. 

Cas unlatched the window and stepped out onto the balcony. Hoagie jumped out too and sniffed around Cas's feet. 'This is all ours?’ Cas said in disbelief. 

'Yours,’ Dean corrected. 'You bought it. You just let me keep my shirts and pants and stuff here.’

‘ _ Mine?’  _

'Yeah. It was a couple years after we started dating, and you-’

'I cried when they accepted my offer.’

'You remember?’

Cas looked out on the garden and nodded. 

'That's great! Well come on, let's see the rest.’ 

Cas reluctantly left the balcony and went back inside with Dean, closing the glass door behind him. 

On the other side of the room was another glass door, which opened into a large kitchen. The sink under the window, through which he could see the car, and counters fitted against the walls all the way around. There was a white door on the left, and the glass door that Cas had seen on the other end of the hallway on the right. Cas went digging through the cupboards. 

'I do most of the cooking. Usually,’ Dean said, watching him take down all the mugs. 'You're an awful cook.’ 

Cas nodded distractedly. He considered all the mugs on the counter and picked up two. One was short and wide. Heavy and coloured dark blue, Cas turned it over in his hands. 'This one's yours.’

Dean nodded, holding his breath. 

The other mug was smaller, lighter, and patterned in feathers.

‘This is mine.’

'That's right.’

Cas put the mugs down and rubbed the back of his head. 

'It's okay,’ Dean said hastily. 'You don't have to remember everything right now.’ 

Cas chewed his lip and put a hand on his quickly tightening chest. 'What if I never do?’ he asked quietly. ‘What if it’s just these mugs and that’s it?’

‘Cas, listen to me,’ Dean said softly. ‘I don’t want you to worry about that. Right now, I just want you to focus on getting better, all right?’

Cas sighed, then began putting the mugs back in the cupboard, his hands shaking slightly.

‘Cas?’

‘Sorry,’ Cas mumbled. ‘I think I’m getting a headache.’

‘Don’t be sorry. Never be sorry.’ Dean’s voice cracked slightly, and Cas looked up at his heartbroken expression. ‘I’m fine,’ Dean added hastily. ‘There’s only one more room, do you want to see it now, or do you want to sit down?’

‘I’ll see it,’ Cas said.

‘Good, ‘cause it’s your favourite room.’

‘It is? Why?’

‘You’ll see.’ Dean opened the white door on the left, which lead to a small pantry, with a chest freezer. Cas was confused at first, but Dean walked past it to a sliding door, which opened to a short step and an alcove. There was the smaller red door that Cas had seen from the outside, and one more white door to the left.

‘You built this,’ Dean said, patting the doorframe. ‘Well, not you personally, but you had it built.’ He opened the door, but this time let Cas go first.

Windows ran the length of the room on one side, and bookcases ran the length of the other side, each one completely stuffed with books. 

Cas walked along them, running his hand over the spines of the books. 

‘You know what, maybe this is a good thing,’ Dean said. ‘You always said you wished you could go back and experience your favourite books again.’

Cas smiled. ‘That sounds like something I’d say.’ He surveyed the shelves but nothing jumped out. ‘Which are my favourites?’

Dean thought about it carefully, and a sly look crept across his face. ‘I think I’ll let you work that out for yourself.’

‘Good answer,’ Cas said, glancing at him.

‘Although…’ Dean moved closer, standing close to Cas. ‘I’d start with these.’ He picked up a book and placed it in Cas’s hands.

‘ _ Harry Potter?’  _ Cas said.

‘We live in a post  _ Harry Potter  _ world. You will get spoiled for it if you don’t read it.’

‘Thanks for the tip.’ Cas flipped through the book and looked at the rest; seven in total. He gripped it tightly and slowly walked out of the room. His legs were feeling weak again, so he made his way to the living room. He dithered between the two recliner chairs. One was big and made of red leather. The other, made of a beige material, with a crocheted blanket thrown over the top, looked more comfortable. He carefully lowered himself into it, and Hoagie immediately jumped up into his lap, though it wasn't an easy feat for a dog so small. 

'I gotta go down to the village. Will you be okay here?’ said Dean. 

Cas nodded, too tired to say anything else. 

'All right then, here's your phone,’ he said, pulling a phone out of his pocket and passing it to Cas. 'Call me if you need anything.’ He took one step then turned back. 'Lemme just write down your passcode.’ He grabbed a pen from the table next to the chair and wrote it down on the back of Cas's hand. 'All right, see you later.’

Dean left the house in silence, and Cas got comfortable in the chair with Hoagie. He covered himself in the blanket, opened the book and began to read, but it wasn't long before sleep overtook him. It was the most comfortable sleep he’d had in a while, but unfortunately cut short when he was jolted awake by the doorbell. His book dropped to the floor, and Hoagie jumped off the chair, barking at the doorbell.

Cas got unsteadily to his feet and went to the front door. He opened it, and Hoagie ran out, still barking but now also wagging his tail.

An older woman with closely cropped dark hair stood at the door. ‘Hey, I saw your car in the drive, so I thought- Cas!’ she exclaimed, her eyes widening. ‘Dean didn’t tell me you were awake! Oh my God, it’s so great to see you! Here, hold on a sec.’ She moved past him, through the door, and Cas followed her to the kitchen, where she put down the big lasagna she had been carrying. She bent down to pet Hoagie for a moment, to stop him scrabbling at her legs, then she turned around and flung her arms around Cas. ‘You have no idea how much we all missed you,’ she said, patting him on the cheek. ‘I’ve been making sure Dean took care of himself.’ She put the lasagna in the fridge. ‘He’s not so great without you, so I’ve just been bringing him stuff to eat, helping him keep the place clean. Regular stuff.’ She caught sight of his bewildered expression and her smile faltered. ‘What? What’s wrong?’

‘I- I’m sorry, but, who are you?’

Her smile dropped completely. ‘Oh, Cas…’

‘I’m sorry,’ Cas said hastily, twisting the fabric of his sweater around his fingers. ‘I can’t - the doctor said-’

‘Hey, hey, it’s all right,’ she said, putting her hands on his shoulders, resuming her smile. ‘Jeez, what must have I looked like? A total stranger just walking into your house. Let’s start again. My name is Jody Mills and I live just next door.’

Cas smiled and shook her hand.

‘So, complete memory loss?’ she asked.

‘Not totally. I remember which mug is mine.’

Jody laughed. ‘Well, if it makes you feel any better, you still seem like yourself.’

‘That does actually make me feel better, thank you.’

‘Oh! I have a great idea! Has Dean showed you the photo albums yet?’

‘No.’

‘Great! Let’s do that. I’ll make some coffee. You like coffee, right?’

‘Um…’

‘Right. Let’s find out.’ She switched on the coffee machine, and sat Cas down at the dining room table. Then she moved the fruit bowl and record player off the cabinet, which turned out to be more like a chest. She opened the top and pulled out thick photo albums. Some were older and dustier than others, but they all looked well-loved. She dropped them on the table, then went to the kitchen to get them both mugs of coffee.

‘All right, so where should we start?’

Cas watched her flip through the books. Her enthusiasm came in stark contrast to Dean’s nervousness, and made him feel almost normal, as if she were showing him anyone’s photos.

‘Ah, this is a good one!’ She picked one with a dark blue cover and opened it. ‘This one’s got lots of pictures from your trips together. Here, these are from your first trip to the Grand Canyon.’

She turned it towards him, so he could get a good look.

He and Dean both looked younger in the pictures, and they had their arms around each other in most of them. Cas scrutinised them carefully. They both looked so happy in the pictures. He turned the pages, and found them in different places. 

‘Oh, these are Niagara Falls,’ Jody said, ‘and those are Mount Rushmore.’ They turned more pages, and eventually, Hoagie joined them in the pictures. Cas ran his hands over some of the pictures, hoping that somehow he would feel what they were feeling through the tips of his fingers.

‘We travel a lot?’ he asked.

Jody nodded. ‘Dean gets a little…’

‘Restless.’

‘Yeah. Restless.’ Jody reached out and took his hands. ‘Cas, are you sure you don’t remember anything?’

Cas bit his lip, looking down at the pictures. ‘I don’t know him,’ Cas said. ‘But I do. It’s a very strange feeling.’ He squeezed his eyes shut, his headache beginning to return.

‘I’ll get you some water.’ She squeezed his hands again, and went into the kitchen.

Hoagie whined under the table, where he had been sitting, and Cas reached down to pet him, not even flinching when he felt Hoagie’s tongue instead of his ears. Cas’s eyes fell upon a small, white album on the table.

‘That’s your wedding album,’ Jody said, placing a glass down on the table. ‘We can look at it, if you like.’

Cas placed a hand on the album, but pushed it away. ‘I don’t want to look at it. Not yet.’

Jody pulled the album closer to herself. ‘Are you scared?’ she asked kindly.

Cas nodded.

‘What are you scared of?’

Cas sighed. ‘I’m afraid… I’m afraid that nothing will happen if I look.’

‘But you want it to?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then maybe that’s all you need for now,’ Jody said, smiling at him. She put the album away. ‘Besides, I don’t think everything’s as gone as you think it is.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘You’ve been talking to me for the last half an hour, haven’t you? If I was really a stranger, would you be doing that?’

'I didn't think of it like that.’ He took a sip of his coffee and was surprised to find he liked it. ‘I’m not sure if I'm supposed to have caffeine.’ 

'I won't tell anyone,’ Jody said. 'You wanna look at some other pictures? This one's got Hoagie when he was a puppy.’ She patted a green book, and Cas nodded.

 

When Dean returned from his errands an hour later, he found Jody and Cas laughing together at the dining table, each with a mug in their hands.

‘Hey, what’s going on?’ he said.

‘Oh, hey, Dean, me and Cas are just catching up,’ Jody said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me he was home?’

Dean rubbed his neck awkwardly. ‘I was going to, but, you know, one thing at a time.’

‘Right, of course.’

Dean walked over and sat next to Cas. ‘Since when do you drink coffee?’ he said, frowning at Cas’s mug.

‘Um, since today, I suppose,’ Cas said, looking down at it. ‘What did I drink before?’

‘Tea.’

‘Really?’ Cas said, wrinkling his nose.

Dean stared at him. ‘Maybe Sam was right about that taste thing.’

Jody looked between them both, trying her best to keep a straight face. ‘I gotta go,’ she said. ‘Kids and cats to feed.’ She got up and kissed both of them on the cheek. ‘I put a lasagna in your fridge.’

‘Thanks, Jody,’ Dean said. 

‘Don’t get up. I’ll see myself out. Bye guys.’

‘Bye, Jody,’ Cas smiled.

‘Sorry I was gone so long,’ Dean said once she was gone. 

‘It’s all right. I had Jody and Hoagie to keep me company.’

Dean glanced down at the dog. ‘How are you feeling? You want to take him for a walk with me?’

‘I’d love to,’ said Cas, a warm glow spreading through him. He got up and went to the side door, where Hoagie’s harness and leash were hanging. Hoagie was close behind, wagging his tail excitedly.

Dean waited patiently while Cas fiddled with the harness and put his shoes on.

They walked up the drive together, Cas admiring the trees around him.

‘Who is she, Dean?’ Cas asked. ‘She seems to know a lot more about us than a regular neighbor.’

‘Yeah… She took care of me after my mom died.’

Cas winced, feeling the pain behind Dean’s words. ‘I see.’

‘She’s good people.’

‘I can tell.’

Hoagie trotted just ahead of them, his tail held high.

‘Dean, are you all right?’ Cas asked.

‘You shouldn’t worry about me-’

‘Shouldn’t I? We  _ are  _ married.’

Dean chuckled. ‘You got me there.’

‘Tell me what you’re feeling, Dean.’ Cas reached out and held Dean’s arm. It was almost natural, but he dropped it when he saw the look on Dean’s face. ‘Sorry.’

Dean shook his head. ‘I’ve been better, but that doesn’t matter-’

‘It does matter. I want to help, if I can.’

‘It’s just that-’ Dean stopped walking, his shoulders slumping. ‘I miss you.’ He looked down at his feet. ‘I know you’re right here, but I miss you.’

‘I’m not myself right now,’ Cas said gently. ‘I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to be me. It’s okay to miss who I was.’

Dean looked up. ‘You always know what to say.’

‘Perhaps. Perhaps not.’

‘I just don’t want you to feel bad. It’s not your fault.’

‘It’s not  _ your  _ fault either. You shouldn’t bottle yourself up just because you’re afraid to hurt my feelings. You matter, Dean.’

Dean fidgeted on the spot. 

‘I want you to be honest with me from now on. I think that’s the only way we can get through this,’ Cas said firmly.

‘You want to get through it?’ Dean asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

‘I do. I saw how happy we were when I was going through those photos. I want to remember that.’

‘All right. I can do that,’ said Dean.

‘Good.’ He looked back the way they’d come. ‘I think I’ve walked enough for today.’

‘Let’s go back then. Hoagie’s worn out now anyway.’

While they were talking, Hoagie had run the length of the driveway and back again, and was now sitting at Dean’s feet, panting.

The three of them walked back to the house together, and Cas sat quietly at the table while Dean warmed up the lasagna Jody had made.

Cas only picked at it, thinking more of bed than food, but Dean made him finish it anyway.

At last, Cas made his way to the bedroom, but he hesitated at the door.

‘I’ll take the spare,’ Dean said cheerfully.

‘Dean-’

‘I’ll be fine, really. It’s your house and your bed.’

‘But-’

‘I’m trying to be a gentleman here, Cas.’

‘All right,’ Cas conceded. ‘You take the spare.’ He turned into the bedroom but stopped again. ‘Dean, where are my pajamas?’

Dean laughed. ‘Here…’ He came into the room and opened one of the closets along the wall. He pulled down a fresh set of pajamas and handed them to Cas. ‘Goodnight.’

‘Goodnight, Dean.’

Dean closed the bedroom door and Cas got changed, asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. Thanks to KoshiSekisen, bookworm4ever81 and Superpeace for the comments :)
> 
> Enjoying writing this one so far so stay tuned. The song is West Coast by Imagine Dragons if anyone was curious


	3. Chapter Three

 

Cas spent the next couple of days going through all the drawers and cupboards in the house, rifling through all of their things in the hopes that something would trigger his memories.

He was in the kitchen one morning, digging through one of the drawers, when he found a battered-looking box. He opened it and found it full of odd, plastic coins. He picked one up and examined it. The centre was taken up by a triangle, and the number 12 in the middle. Words were etched around the edges, that read ‘To Thine Own Self Be True’ and ‘Unity, Service, Recovery’.

‘Those are mine.’

Cas jumped, not realising that Dean had entered the room.

‘Sorry,’ Cas said guiltily, putting the coin back where he’d found it.

Dean shrugged. ‘It’s not a secret.’ He picked up a heavier one. ‘This is the latest.’

‘Twelve years sober? Wow, congratulations,’ Cas smiled. He wanted to ask questions, but kept his mouth shut, for fear of offending Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes. ‘You can ask me.’

‘What?’

‘You have a question, I can tell.’

‘How?’

‘You tilt your head when you’re confused or have a question. Like this.’ Dean copied his expression and grinned.

Cas smiled back. ‘All right. Do you go to meetings?’

Dean nodded. ‘Not as much as I used to. Every few weeks or so.’

‘Do you have a sponsor?’

‘Yeah.’

Cas hesitated, then felt his cheeks warm as he noticed he was head-tilting again. ‘Have you ever needed them?’ he asked, Dean’s short nod reassuring him.

‘A couple times.’

‘Did I know?’

Dean grimaced. ‘You made me call him.’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Cas asked, switching on the coffee machine.

‘Do you want to know about it?’

‘That’s not what I asked.’ He poured Dean some coffee, and waited while he thought about it.

‘I want to help you fill in the blanks,’ Dean said, taking the coffee. 

‘You can help me fill in mine. You don’t have to fill in yours.’

‘That doesn’t make any sense.’

‘You know what I’m trying to say.’

‘Yeah, I guess I do.’

Cas went into the dining room and sat down at the table. He was still captivated by the view from the window, and gazed out while he drank his coffee.

‘Is there anything else you wanted to ask?’ Dean said, sitting opposite him.

‘Um…’ Cas scrunched up his face. His headache still lingered, waning at times but never fully going away. ‘I can’t think…’ He glanced down at his mug. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have caffeine.’ He put the mug down, and his head vibrated. He squeezed his palms against his temples.

Dean’s voice came to him, muffled at first, but calling his name.

‘Maybe you should lie down?’ Dean said nervously. ‘Should I call your doctor?’

‘I had a head injury, Dean, it’s not uncommon to suffer headaches afterwards. Can I have some water?’

‘Sure.’

The spinning stopped by the time Dean came back with water.

‘I’ll mention it at the checkup,’ Cas said, when Dean’s concerned expression didn’t subside.

‘Good.’

Cas sipped at his water, and reached down to pet Hoagie. His soft fur grounded Cas, and he realised that Dean was still watching him closely, his knee bouncing under the table.

Cas opened his mouth, but Dean spoke first.

‘I wanted to run something by you,’ he said.

Cas raised his chin, motioning for Dean to continue.

‘I - I want to go back to work. I haven’t been able to since my leg, and I want to fix my car - but I can totally stay if you want me to-’

‘It’s okay.’

‘You know what, I don’t even have to go, I can definitely stay with you-’

‘Dean-’

‘Maybe I can get them to tow the car here, or-’

‘Stop. Go back to work, Dean.’

Dean spread his hands out on the table. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Of course. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you pacing around here. You get restless.’

Dean laughed. ‘All right, well, I’ll call the guys and see if they’ve got anything for me tomorrow.’

‘Sounds good to me.’

‘You can walk Hoagie?’

‘I think so. It’ll be nice to explore. Get to know the place again.’

‘Awesome.’ Dean got up from the table, and Cas heard him on the phone in the other room.

Cas smiled and settled back down in his seat with his book. He had already finished the first  _ Harry Potter  _ book and was on to the second.

Hoagie whined under the table, and Cas leaned down to scratch his belly. ‘You’re very demanding, aren't you?’ he murmured fondly. 

Hoagie wagged his tail in response. 

'Okay, so the guys say I can come back tomorrow. You sure you'll be okay?’ Dean said, coming back into the room. 

'I'll be fine,’ Cas said firmly. He looked out of the window again. 'Do I take care of the garden?’ 

Dean nodded. 'Oh, here.’ He reached behind him, lifted up a calendar that was hanging on the wall, and passed it to Cas. 'This is your garden calendar. You have everything you usually do written in.’

Cas took it. 'It certainly is my handwriting.’

'I tried to keep it up for you, but my leg…’

'Did it hurt?’ Cas said without looking up from the calendar. 'Your leg, I mean.’

‘It wasn't so bad. It's not the first time I've broken a leg.’

'That's how we met,’ Cas said suddenly, staring directly into Dean's face, desperate to keep hold of the memory. 'You broke your leg and you were my patient.’

'Yeah,’ Dean said, frozen in place by Cas's sharp stare. 'What else?’ 

Cas thought hard, but there was nothing else, and he deflated. 

'It's okay,’ Dean said. He got up from the table, but not quickly enough to hide his disappointment. 

 

Cas said goodnight to Dean, going to bed earlier than him, and leaving him to watch TV late into the night. 

Since he'd come home, he'd slept deeply every night, rising well after Dean had already woken, but this night was different. His dreams disturbed him over and over, and he couldn't quite get comfortable, no matter how much he tossed and turned. 

When he got up the next morning, Dean was waiting with a fresh coffee for him. 

'You look like crap,’ Dean said, putting the mug down on the table for him. 

'I didn't sleep well,’ Cas said, rubbing his gritty eyes. 

'How come?’

Cas shook his head tiredly. 'Bad dreams I think.’

'What about?’

'I, uh, don't… I think…’ he trailed off, struggling to focus. ‘What… what was I saying?’ 

Dean frowned. 'Cas, are you okay?’ 

Cas rubbed his face and took a sip of his coffee. 'I'm fine.’

'Maybe I should stay home-’

'No, Dean, go to work. I'm fine, honestly,’ Cas insisted. 

Dean looked sceptical, but drained his coffee and got up. He wrote down Cas's passcode again. 'You call me if you need anything.  _ Anything.  _ Jody's number is in here too, and I've put the emergency numbers on the fridge, okay?’

Cas nodded, not quite following everything Dean said, but understanding the gist. 'Have a good day, Dean.’

Dean smiled and left the house, the wheels of Cas's car crunching over the gravelly driveway. 

Cas finished his own coffee, looking out the window. 

‘Shall we go outside today?’ Cas asked Hoagie. 'Would you like that?’ 

Hoagie's ears pricked up and he sat up straight, watching Cas intently. 

Cas chuckled. ‘All right, then, let's go.’ He got up and went to the side door, where he'd seen all of their shoes waiting on shelves, and selected a pair that looked like they might be his. They were covered in dirt and grass, so he guessed that they were his garden shoes. He slipped them on, and opened the door. 

Hoagie shot out, and raced around the drive until Cas came out. 

He turned around and saw the path down the side of the house, so he followed it. Half way down was a big red shed, which housed tools, flower pots, bags of soil and a lawn mower. Even further down was another greenhouse. Inside were more flower pots and one single citrus tree. It was growing some kind of fruit, but whatever it was, it was too small to tell whether or not it was a lemon or a lime. Then he arrived at the end of the path, the stairs to the house just behind him, and the pond in front of him. He bent to look at it and was momentarily distracted, watching the goldfish in it swimming around. 

Hoagie ran around him, then past the pond onto the wide expanse of grass, chasing his tail. 

Cas laughed at him and went to the greenhouse that he'd seen from the house. Inside there were several tomato plants, and a collection of cacti. When he came out, he noticed another path that lead up the other side of the house. He hadn't noticed it before, and the entire path was lined by a large cage. Cas went over to it, mystified. 

'What is this, Hoagie?’ He looked inside and found that he recognised all the plants and bushes, but no names came to mind. He sighed in frustration, putting a hand against the wire. 

'Cas, are you down there?’ Jody's voice came from a distance, and her head appeared around the corner at the top of the path. 

'Hey, Jody,’ he said as she came down the path. ‘Do you know what this is?’ he asked, looking up at the cage. 

'It's your fruit cage,’ Jody said patiently. 'You put it up to stop the birds from eating your fruit before you could harvest them.’ 

'I see.’ 

‘Hanging out in the garden, huh?’ she said. 'Have you seen your favourite part yet?’ 

'Which part is that?’ 

Jody smiled. 'Your bees. Doesn't surprise me that Dean hasn't brought it up. He's terrified of bees.’ 

'He is?’ 

'Oh yeah. He once saw you trying to catch a swarm and you were absolutely covered in bees. He hasn't been the same since,’ Jody laughed. 

'Where are they?’ Cas said, excited. He didn't see where they could possibly be. 

‘I’ll show you, come on.’ She looped her arm through Cas's and lead him down onto the grass, then down towards the right hand corner. 

There was a gap in the hedge, hidden behind a large tree. 

'There's more?’ Cas gasped. 

Jody said nothing, but lead him through the gap. 

The other side was a smaller patch of grass, about a third the size of the main garden, but this one had two more sheds at the bottom, and Cas saw six beehives that took up the left side of the garden. 

‘You bought this patch from your neighbors down there when they retired. They said they couldn't keep it up anymore, so they let you have it for cheap.’ 

'That was nice of them… What are those for?’ He pointed at the sheds. 

‘That one has all the stuff in from when you had chickens.’

Cas blinked, surprised. 'Chickens?’

'Yeah. You loved those little suckers, but you couldn't take care of them anymore.’

'Why not?’

Jody hesitated. 'I think that's a question for Dean.’

Cas nodded. 'All right, what about the other one?’

'That's where you keep all your bee stuff.’ She went over and opened the door. 

A strong smell of honey escaped, and the inside of the shed was surprisingly warm. A heavy, white jumpsuit hung on the back of the door, complete with wide-brimmed and netted hat. Along the back of the shed were shelves filled with jars and jars of honey. Cas stared at it, then quickly backed out of the shed. 

‘Cas?’ Jody said, alarmed. She followed him out, closing the door behind her. 

Cas was standing with his hands on his head, reeling at the scale of just how much he'd forgotten. 

'Cas, honey, you gotta breathe,’ Jody said gently. 

'I can't,’ Cas said hoarsely. 'I can't do this. I can't even remember chickens.’ 

'Cas-’

'It's so much. It's so much.’ 

Jody put an arm around him. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overwhelm you. Let's go back up to the house, okay? I'll make us some coffee.’ She didn't let go of him while they were walking, his shoulders trembling under her fingers. 

He stood silently in the kitchen while Jody fussed with the coffee pot. Hoagie whined at his feet, but Cas ignored him, staring into space. 

Jody nudged him, breaking him out of his reverie. 

'Did Dean ask you to check up on me?’ he asked. 

'A little bit.’

Cas didn't say anything else for a while. 'It's like a deep pit inside me,’ he said eventually. 'It just goes on, deeper and deeper…’ 

Jody didn't know what to say to this, so all she did was hand him his mug of coffee. 

He took a few sips, brow furrowed, and Hoagie pawing at his legs, whining louder. 

'What is it, boy?’ Cas said. He sighed and moved into the dining room. He closed the curtains over the windows, throwing shadows over the room. Suddenly, Cas's head spun violently, and he dropped his mug on the floor.

'Cas!’ Jody exclaimed. 

Cas staggered forward, narrowly avoiding tripping over Hoagie, who was barking continuously and jumping up at him. 

'Okay, come on, you should lie down.’ Jody forced him forward, gripping him tightly. 

Cas's head swirled as they crossed under the archway, Hoagie still barking madly. 'Something's wrong.’ His voice was barely more than a whisper, but then everything faded, vision and sound. 

 

At first, it felt as though a dense fog pressed in on all his senses. His limbs were too heavy to move, and he realised that he was lying on the floor. He felt a small, wet tongue on his cheek, and groaned, his arms too heavy to swat it away. 

'No, Hoagie, get down!’ a voice said, though it sounded very far away. 

The tongue disappeared, but Cas groaned again, and moved his arms, reaching out, though not very far. 'Hoagie,’ he mumbled. 

The dog returned and sat leaning against Cas's chest. The weight was comforting, and Cas patted him gently. 

He started at a a hand on his shoulder. 

'Whoa, whoa, just stay down, sweetie.’

'Wh-’ Cas cut himself off. His tongue felt oddly thick in his mouth. 

'You bit your tongue. Here, have some water.’ She supported his head and helped him take small sips. 

'It's going to be okay, Cas, don't worry, the ambulance is on its way.’

'Why?’

Before Jody could say anything, the door slammed open and Dean came in covered in grime and oil. 'Oh my God, Cas,’ he said. 

'What's happening?’ Cas slurred. He tried to roll on his back, but Jody held him in place. 

'Just stay calm, all right? Both of you.’ 

'Can I have some more water?’

'Of course you can, honey.’ 

The water cleared away the thick feeling in his mouth, but he began to feel the pain instead. 'Ouch.’ 

'Just a little longer.’ 

'What the hell is happening, Jody?’ Dean said loudly. 

'Okay, Dean, you need to calm down.’

'I don't feel so good,’ Cas complained. His stomach churned and he wrapped an arm around it. 

'Are you gonna be sick?’

Cas nodded, and had the waste paper basket thrust under his chin. He heaved and Jody rubbed his back. 

'That's right, get it all up.’

Cas pushed the basket away when he was done, and looked up to see Dean pacing back and forth. 'Dean.’

Dean stopped pacing and knelt beside Cas. He reached out, but stopped. 'Better not,’ he muttered, looking down at his blackened hands. 

'I'm sorry.’

'What?’ Dean said in disbelief. 'What do you mean you're sorry?’

'It's your first day back at work.’ 

'Don't be ridiculous.’ 

'Dean, will you go and get the paramedics?’ Jody said. 'They won't be able to fit the ambulance down the drive.’

'Right.’ Dean dashed from the room. 

'Why do I need an ambulance?’ Cas asked. The fog was beginning to lift, and he tried to sit up again, but Jody pushed him back down. 

Jody hesitated. 'Let's just wait for the paramedics. It'll be easier to explain to everyone at once.’ 

'Okay.’

'I'm sure everything's fine.’ She smiled, but Cas saw the worry in the creases around her eyes. 

Dean returned with the paramedics, showing them into the living room. 

One was a blonde woman with a friendly face and she crouched down next to Cas. 

'Hello. What's your name?’

'Cas.’ 

'Lovely to meet you, Cas. Can you tell me what happened?’ 

'I don't know. I was in the dining room and then I was down here.’

'We were having a coffee and then he started - I don't know, it was like he zoned out. He dropped his coffee and then we came in here, and he collapsed, then-’

'Then what?’

'I- well- he sort of started convulsing. It lasted a couple minutes and then I called you guys.’ 

'Convulsing? What does that mean?’ Dean demanded. 

'Dean, please.’ 

'I see,’ the blonde paramedic said. 

The other one had dark hair, and was wrapping a blood pressure cuff around his arm. 

'Have you ever had a seizure before, Cas?’ the blonde one asked. 

'I don't know… Dean?’ 

Dean shook his head. 

'You don't know?’ the dark-haired one asked. 

'Cas recently had a severe head trauma,’ Dean interjected. 'Followed by coma and retrograde amnesia.’ 

Cas was surprised. 'You learned the fancy words.’ 

'If that's the case, then we'll need to get you to the hospital, all right, Cas?’ 

'Okay.’

They put him on a stretcher and began to wheel him out if the house. Dean made to follow, but Jody stopped him. 

'You can't go into a hospital looking like that,’ she said. 

'But-’

‘I’ll go with Cas. You get yourself washed up and meet us there, okay?’ She phrased it like a question, but her tone of voice made it sound the opposite. 

Dean looked at Cas helplessly. 'You'll be okay?’

'I'll be fine. I'll see you soon.’ 

Dean went back into the house and Cas was hoisted into the back of the ambulance. 

'I'm just gonna strap you in back here,’ the blonde paramedic said. 'You're pretty lucid right now, which is good, but if there's something happening with your brain, we gotta get you to the hospital ASAP, so just sit tight.’

The sirens went on and the ambulance peeled out of the driveway. 

Cas bit his lip. 

'Don't be scared,’ Jody said. 'We're going to the right place.’ She reached out and squeezed his hand, which he squeezed back. 

As they drove, Cas's thoughts whirled around faster and faster, until Jody and one of the paramedics were talking him down from a panic attack. 

'What if I'm really sick?’ Cas stammered. 

'Then we'll work it out,’ Jody said firmly, holding his hand with both of hers. 

Cas was still dizzy when they reached the hospital, and he was wheeled into the emergency room. Fortunately he was seen to quite quickly, and Dean joined them when he was brought into a ward. 

'Hey, how are you feeling?’ Dean asked, sliding back the curtain. He had scrubbed himself clean, and the smell of soap drifted from his direction. 

'A little out of it,’ Cas admitted, but he smiled at Dean. 'I'm glad you're here.’

'Of course. Jody, you hanging out?’

'Don't see why not, especially since you're my ride back.’

'Who's got Hoagie?’ Cas asked. 

'Alex. My daughter,’ she added at Cas's confused expression. 'She was your physiotherapist before.’

'Oh, you're Alex's mom?’

Jody smiled. 'That's right.’

Eventually, the doctor came around. It was the same on as before, but something was different. 

'Do we know each other?’

The doctor shook his head. 'Not very well, I'm afraid,’ he said. 'We're colleagues but in different departments, so we don't see much of each other. This is good, though. You're starting to remember.’ The doctor wrote some things on his clipboard. 'We're going to do a couple of tests, just a quick EEG and an MRI, and we'll see what's going on up there.’

Dean sat down. He still looked concerned, but he seemed almost comfortable with the situation. 

'What department was I in?’ Cas asked. 

'Pediatrics.’ 

Cas's chest tightened again, but he wasn't sure why. He saw Dean glance at him anxiously, but didn't catch his eye. 

Jody and Dean talked quietly while Cas had his EEG done, but he was quite alone when they took him away to the MRI. 

He lay inside the machine, thinking hard. He knew that his working in pediatrics had to be true, but something about it felt very wrong. His mouth tasted like dust, and the round tube of the machine closed in around him. 

'We're almost done, Castiel,’ the tech said over the intercom, noticing his distress. 'Just a few more minutes.’ 

He pushed everything else out of his mind for the remaining minutes, and focused on counting in his head. For some reason, the numbers turned to bees as he counted, but it helped calm him down. 

At last, the MRI was over and Cas was brought back to his bed, where Dean and Jody were still waiting in seats either side of the bed. 

'How'd it go?’ Dean asked. 

Cas shook his head, his eyes closed tightly. 

'Right. Tight spaces, sorry.’ 

'Does anyone have anything to write on?’ Cas asked weakly. 'I want to write some things down before I forget.’ 

Jody dug in her pocket and pulled out a tiny flip pad and pen. 

'Thank you.’ Cas was so engrossed in what he was writing, that he didn't notice when the doctor came back in until Dean patted him on the leg. 'Sorry.’ He passed Dean the notepad, who stuffed it into his pocket. 

'Okay, so here's your brain,’ the doctor said, putting up a couple of the MRI scans. 'And that is the lesion that caused your seizure today.’ He circled a small spot with his finger. 

Cas squinted at it. It seemed so small to cause such a reaction. 

'And here's the bad news. This isn't going to go away, and now that you've already had one seizure, it's far more likely you'll have more.’ The doctor paused for a moment to let it sink in. 'I'm going to give you a provisional diagnosis of Post Traumatic Epilepsy. I can't suggest any medication until you have another seizure, so you'll need to contact me when that happens.’ The doctor sighed sympathetically. 'Cas, I've got to be honest with you. With this on top of your amnesia, your chances of being able to come back to work are slim. I'm sorry, I know you love your work. I don't want you to give up hope, though. There's still plenty we can do.’ 

'What you're saying is, I need a miracle.’

'I wouldn't put it like that.’ He took down the pictures and tucked them into Cas's file. 'I'll leave you to talk. Call me if you have any questions, and I still expect to see you every couple weeks.’ He left the room and with a muttered, 'I'll go get something to eat’ from Jody, she left too. 

Cas looked over at Dean. His hands were balled up on his knees, and his expression was utterly devastated. Cas felt a pang in his chest. 'Dean,’ he murmured. 

Dean buried his head in his hands and shocking Cas with a sharp sob.

This time when Cas reached out, he didn't stop himself, and he placed his hand on Dean's shoulder.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,’ Dean choked through his fingers. 

'Why?’ 

'It's all my fault. I did this to you.’ 

'What are you talking about?’ 

Dean looked up, tears streaming down his cheeks. 'I- I-’

'Tell me, Dean.’ Cas squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. 

'We were- you were on call and you were  _ so  _ tired. I made you let me drive you, but you-’ Dean sniffed and ran his hands through his hair.  'We were arguing. You didn't want me to drive you, you said it was unnecessary and I- and I wasn't paying attention to the road. I didn't stop at an intersection and this truck - it just ploughed right into the passenger side. Into you.’

'Dean…’

'I'm sorry.’ 

Cas leaned over and put his arms around Dean, and Dean didn't protest, instead pressing his forehead into Cas's chest with one more, 'I'm sorry.’

He was still there when Jody returned with some sandwiches. 

'Hey,’ she said, handing them out. 'They say we can go once we've eaten these.’ 

Dean moved away from Cas. He took a bite out of his sandwich but left the rest, and was silent while he waited for Jody and Cas to finish. 

Cas was once again wheeled out of the hospital and Jody drove them home, Dean's eyes too swollen to see properly and Cas lying across the back seat. 

Hoagie was waiting for them outside the front door, and ran over to the car once it was parked. 

'I'll see you guys later,’ Jody said, walking back up the drive. 

Dean helped Cas inside and insisted he go to bed. 

Cas didn't put up much of an argument. The trip had exhausted him, so he got into bed fully clothed. 'It's okay, Dean,’ he mumbled, falling asleep. Dean sat on the edge of the bed, eyes bloodshot and guilty. 'It's okay.’ 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and I'll see you again soon.


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

  


Cas was curled up in his recliner, the third _Harry Potter_ book lying on the armrest. He had tried to start reading it a few times, but his brain was too sluggish to concentrate on anything.

He’d had three more seizures by the end of that week, each one sapping his energy, and fogging his mind.

‘You ready to go?’ Dean asked, coming over to him.

‘I need, um… I need…’ He frowned and pointed at his feet.

‘Shoes?’

‘Yes. Shoes.’

‘Okay, I’ll get you some shoes.’ Dean bit his lip, troubled, but brought Cas over some shoes.

Cas slipped his feet in and stood up slowly, Dean hovering close to him. ‘Let’s go,’ Cas said, once firmly on his feet.

‘Are you sure you don’t need your chair?’

‘I can get to the car,’ Cas snapped, ‘just give me a second.’

Hurt flashed across Dean’s face, and Cas regretted letting his frustration spill out.

‘Maybe you could help me,’ Cas said, reaching for Dean’s arm.

Dean let him take it, and they both walked to the front door, shutting Hoagie inside before they went to the car. Dean patted his pocket for his notebook before getting in.

Cas sat in the passenger side with his eyes closed. Despite his lack of energy, Cas was still having trouble sleeping at night, and could only manage a few short naps during the day.

‘Okay, you rest, we’ll be there soon,’ Dean said, starting the car.

Cas didn’t say anything, but he didn’t sleep either. He couldn’t pretend not to hear the concern in Dean’s voice, or the gentleness with which he spoke. He could hear the years they spent together layered under Dean’s words, but had no way to respond. His layers were missing.

Once they had arrived back at the hospital, Cas needed a little more help getting up to the doctor’s office, and sat limply in his seat while Dean and the doctor talked.

‘He’s had three more seizures,’ Dean told him, consulting his notebook, ‘all under three minutes. So far, only vomited that first time, and he stays unconscious for around five minutes afterwards.’

‘How long does the fog last for?’

‘It varies. Up to three hours so far, but I think it’s affecting his concentration, or something. Forgetting words, where things are, that kind of thing.’

Cas frowned at that. ‘I don’t think that’s true.’

‘Cas, you forgot where the bathroom was the other day,’ Dean said gently.

‘Let’s not be too hasty, it could be other things,’ the doctor said. ‘Are you sleeping well, Cas? Lack of sleep can affect memory and concentration.’

'Actually, I'm not sleeping very much,’ Cas said.

'Any ideas on why?’

Cas shrugged. 'Mostly a mix of not being able to get comfortable and bad dreams.’

‘Is that new?’ the doctor asked Dean.

Dean shook his head. ‘He used to take Celexa for that.’

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. ‘Right. I think we’ve got enough here to give a definitive diagnosis of PTE, and I want to start you on some drugs and see if we can’t minimize these seizures. I’m afraid we’ll have to wait until we’ve found the right treatment before we can try you on some new anti-anxiety medication. But that’s the long term. Do you understand?’

Cas nodded.

‘All right, this medication will make you feel quite nauseous at first, but you need to keep eating regularly. You can’t lose any more weight, okay?’

Dean frantically scribbled in his notebook.

‘I want you to try and regain some muscle mass as well. You’ve done really well so far, but you were quite physically fit before the accident, so let’s try and get you back to that.’

‘I was?’ Cas said.

‘Oh yeah, you were jacked,’ Dean said without thinking, too busy writing.

Cas blinked rapidly, stunned.

Dean looked up and turned red as he realised what he had said. ‘Sorry,’ he muttered.

‘Anyway,’ the doctor said, filling in the awkward silence. ‘Try and think of some gentle exercise you can do. You don’t need to overdo it, but you should try and push yourself at least three times a week.’

‘You could take Hoagie out for longer,’ Dean suggested. ‘He won’t mind.’

‘I don’t know,’ Cas said. ‘What if I… you know… outside?’

‘I think you’ll be all right if you’re with Hoagie,’ Dean said. ‘He knows when it’ll happen. Haven’t you noticed?’

‘No, I haven’t.’

‘Yeah, he totally freaks out. I guess you don’t know him well enough to notice the difference between that and his regular freakouts.’

‘It sounds like a great idea to me,’ the doctor said. ‘I’m going to refer you to an epilepsy specialist, so you can work out some coping methods. They’ll be your point of contact on your meds as well, so keep them informed of any adverse reactions. And Alex will be available if you need any more physio.’

‘That’s reasonable,’ Cas said.

‘All right, well thanks for coming in, guys. I’ll see you again in two weeks.’ He wrote out Cas’s new prescription, which he handed to Dean.

‘Thank you, doctor,’ Cas said, rising slowly.

Cas waited in the car while Dean picked up his prescription.

‘You feeling okay?’ Dean asked as he sat down.

Cas shrugged. ‘What’s okay?’

Dean chuckled slightly. ‘That’s a good question.’

They drove in silence for a while.

‘Dean, about what you said…’

Dean blushed again. ‘I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t think…Look, you’re hot, okay? You always have been. That’s just how it is.’

‘You shouldn’t be embarrassed,’ Cas reasoned. ‘It’s nice.’

‘Nice?’

‘Everyone likes to be considered attractive.’

‘Right.’

But it wasn't just that. Cas couldn't put his finger on the exact feeling, but when he thought about Dean's words, his stomach squirmed, and he shuddered.

'Hey, are you okay?’ Dean said, trying to look at him and watch the road at the same time.

'I don't know,’ Cas said.

'You don't know?’ Dean said, alarmed. 'What is it?’

Cas put a hand to his chest to calm himself down.  'I don't know,’ Cas repeated.

'Is it bad?’

Cas looked at Dean closely. 'No. It's not bad.’

Dean sighed, relaxing against the seat. 'Don't scare me like that.’

'Sorry.’

‘You and your weird feelings,’ Dean said, shaking his head.

Hoagie was pleased as ever to see them when they got back to the house, and ran around their legs as they walked through to the kitchen.

Instead of going back to his chair, Cas forced himself to make something to eat first.

Dean grinned at his efforts, and made them both coffee.

Cas decided that he had already done enough that day, and decided to spent the rest of it relaxing and trying to read his book. Dean had retreated to the spare room, so Cas read in silence, until he fidgeted in his seat uneasily. He went into the bedroom, retrieved his own notebook and sat back down with it, reading through all the questions he’d written down.

He considered them all carefully, wondering which he should ask Dean first. There were a lot of factors to consider, including which would be more likely to trigger his memory, and which would be least likely to upset Dean. He started numbering them, then wrote a few more down as he thought of them. Dean did not emerge from the spare room until it was time to make dinner, so Cas took Hoagie for a short walk up the drive and back.

He didn’t feel like exploring the village just yet, so he took his time on the drive, enjoying the flora and fauna around him. It wasn’t hard to see why he’d chosen this place. It was quiet, for one thing, which he reasoned he would need after spending a long day at work. He stood at the top of the drive for a while, breathing in the crisp, sea air. Through the kitchen window, he saw Dean finally come out of the spare room and start preparing dinner, and he watched for a while. How often had he done this before? Would he have been able to tell what Dean was cooking just from the way he moved? Cas shook his head. It was no use speculating, so instead, Cas began working up the courage to ask Dean his questions. But not tonight, he decided. It had already been a long day, so instead, he went back inside and let Dean serve him a large bowl of mac and cheese, eating more of it that he usually would have just to make Dean smile.

He took his book to bed that night, hoping that if he stayed up reading, he might get tired enough to sleep properly.

The attempt was not entirely successful, but it was better than usual, and he was a little more rested by the next morning. He got dressed and walked into the dining room with his nose in his book. Dean was already awake, sipping on his coffee.

Cas wandered to the table, deep in concentration, and perched on the edge of it. He was so engrossed with the book in one hand, that he didn’t realise what his other hand was doing until Dean sighed, and he felt stubble pressing against it. He looked up to see his hand gently stroking Dean’s cheek. He gasped quietly, and made to take his hand away, but Dean put his own up to it, eyes closed, just for a moment, then he kissed Cas’s hand and let it go.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Cas breathed, horrified. ‘I didn’t meant to, I-’

Dean shook his head. ‘It’s okay,’ he muttered, ‘just muscle memory.’

All at once, it was too much for Cas, and hot tears dripped down his face.

‘Wh- hey, are you crying?’ Dean said.

‘I’m sorry,’ Cas stammered. ‘I didn’t-’ He put his hands on his face.

‘Come on, man, if anyone should be crying, it’s me,’ Dean joked, placing a hand on Cas’s knee.

‘My heart hurts and I don’t know why,’ Cas sniffed, his voice muffled by his hands.

‘Yeah, me too,’ Dean grimaced. ‘Except I do know why.’

‘Who are you, Dean?’ Cas asked, slipping off the table and into the chair next to Dean. ‘Why do you make me feel this way? Why don’t I know what the feeling _is?_ Why is it that even though I feel terrible, all I want to do right now is-?’ he reached out to Dean’s face again, but let his hand drop to his lap.

Dean sighed. ‘I wish I had the answers, Cas.’

‘But you do. I know you do. Why do I know?’

‘I - I don’t know what to say,’ Dean said, holding Cas’s intent stare.

‘You’re holding back. Tell me. Please.’

‘Of course I’m holding back,’ Dean said incredulously. ‘How could I not? How could I possibly explain our whole life together?’

Cas bit his lip and hung his head.

‘How could I even begin to explain to you how much I love you?’ Dean’s voice cracked. ‘How could I, when you don’t love me back right now?’

Cas curled inward, bringing his knees up to his chest, his feet resting on the seat.

‘And it’s okay that you don’t,’ Dean continued. ‘No one would be expected to love a stranger.’

He looked up at Dean, the longing plain on his face.

‘How can you be so patient with me? I would be losing my mind if it were the other way around.’

‘Who says I’m not?’ Dean joked again.

‘Dean.’

Dean squeezed Cas’s shoulder. ‘I promised to spend my life with you. I know you don’t remember, but I do. I’ll wait as long as you need. For you, I’ve got nothing but time.’ Dean got up and went into the kitchen, leaving Cas at the table. ‘You want a coffee?’ he called.

Cas wiped his face. ‘Actually, I’d like some tea, if you don’t mind.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. Perhaps if I get back into my old habits, things will come back to me.’

‘Cas, you don’t need to push it-’

‘I know.’

Dean obligingly made Cas a mug of tea, which Cas forced himself to drink. He was surprised that it didn’t taste as bad as he thought it would, but he still preferred coffee. It did help calm his thoughts, and he silently berated himself for dropping his carefully thought out plan so quickly. This time he would hold the questions in his mind, numbered in a neatly ordered list, only to come out at a calculated time and place, instead of exploding out in messy emotion. He couldn’t keep putting Dean through that. He took a few deep breaths and patted Hoagie under the table, then lifted the little dog onto his lap. Hoagie was a little too excited about this and set about trying to lick Cas to death.

There was a knock on the door, and Hoagie barked loudly in Cas’s ear, before throwing himself to the ground. He scrambled around for a second, getting to his feet, then shot to the door.

Cas heard the door open and footsteps down the hallway, then Sam appeared in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen.

‘Hey, Cas,’ he said warmly.

‘Hello - um-’ Cas squinted at him.

Sam opened his mouth, but Cas held up a hand.

‘Wait, I know this,’ Cas said, thinking hard. ‘Sam!’ he said at last. ‘Hello, Sam.’

Sam smiled widely. ‘Dean, you making coffee?’ he said over his shoulder.

‘On it,’ came Dean’s voice. ‘You need a refill, Cas?’

‘No, thank you.’

Sam sat down at the table. ‘So, how you feeling?’ he asked Cas. ‘Dean told me what’s going on.’

Cas shrugged. ‘A little out of it, mostly. Not too bad right now, though.’

‘That’s good.’

Dean clattered about in the kitchen, and Cas stared at Sam.

‘You and I are brothers-in-law,’ Cas said.

‘That’s right.’

‘Are we close?’

‘I like to think so.’

Dean came in with mugs for himself and Sam, and sat with them.

Cas let them chat with each other for a while, once again pulling Hoagie onto his lap. He watched them closely, and how they interacted with each other. It seemed easy and comfortable, and soon Sam had Dean relaxed and laughing. He thought about his questions again, and added Sam as a factor. Perhaps Dean would be more comfortable with Sam as a buffer.

Neither of them made any move to include Cas in their conversation, letting him sit and think. It wasn’t long until he looked between the two of them, waiting for an opening.

‘I’ve been thinking,’ he said to them. ‘I want to piece everything together myself, but I need a starting point.’

Sam and Dean glanced at each other.

‘Okay, what do you need?’ Dean asked.

‘I was wondering…’ he trailed off, suddenly nervous. He hugged Hoagie closer for comfort. ‘How did we- How did it-’

‘How did you guys get together?’ Sam finished.

‘Yes.’

To his relief, Sam and Dean both laughed.

‘Oh, that’s a great story,’ Dean said.

‘Yeah, in the short version, it’s love at first sight and sleeping together on the first date,’ Sam laughed.

‘And in the long version, you kill me for telling the short version,’ Dean added.

Cas let out the breath he had been holding, and waited for Dean to continue.

‘So this was what, ten years ago?’ Dean said.

‘Eleven,’ Sam corrected.

‘Eleven? Damn. Anyway, this was back before you transferred to pediatrics, and you were dealing with dumb schmucks like me. I crashed the car and broke my leg, like an idiot-’

‘Do you do that very often?’ Cas said.

‘Only twice,’ Dean said. ‘The morning after I got put back together you were doing the rounds. I opened my eyes and there you were, smelling the flowers next to my bed.’ He stopped for a moment, a nostalgic look in his eyes.

‘Well, what happened next, Dean?’ Sam said in a mocking tone. He had clearly already heard this story many times, but still enjoyed it.

Dean laughed again, and looked Cas directly in the eye. ‘I saw you, and I just thought you were the most beautiful person I ever saw.’

A shiver ran the length of Cas’s spine, and goosebumps prickled up his arms. ‘Then what?’

‘Obviously I asked you out,’ Dean grinned. ‘But you said no.’

‘Why?’

‘First off, I was _really_ high on morphine, so ethics and stuff. That and you said you don’t date patients. So I went home, made Sam take care of me, which was super fun, you should definitely try it-’

‘It was not fun at all.’

‘Yeah, not for you.’

‘Can we get on with the story, please?’

‘Only if you stop being such a baby.’

‘ _Dean.’_

‘All right, cool your jets.

‘So I go home and get ready to cut my losses. You win some, you lose some, you know? Except I cannot stop thinking about you.’

‘He’s driving me crazy at this point,’ Sam cut in. ‘He doesn’t even know your name, but he’s just talking about you non-stop. It came out of left field for me, ‘cause I didn’t even know he was into dudes, but one look at you and he’s blabbering all day.’

‘Really?’ Cas said. He rubbed the side of his head, pain beginning to throb in his temples.

‘You okay?’ Dean asked.

‘Yes. Please continue.’ Cas took a sip of his tea, trying to ignore the pain, eager to hear the rest of the story.

‘About three days in, I’m just about ready to murder Dean-’

‘So he throws me in the car and drives me back to the hospital,’ Dean said, watching Cas warily. ‘It takes a minute, ‘cause we don’t know your name, but eventually we find you.’

‘The other nurses bring you around, and they’re all giggling, and Dean’s got this big, stupid grin on his face, but you are not happy at all. You’re standing there looking like you would definitely punch Dean if he weren’t in a cast,’ Sam laughed.

Hoagie whined and jumped up to lick Cas’s face again.

‘And you said to the nurses - oh, what did he say?’ Sam said.

‘He said “this is extremely unprofessional, get back to work”,’ Dean said, mimicking Cas’s voice. ‘Then I asked you out again, and you said “give me one good reason why I should”, so I said “because we’re both extremely attractive, and it would be a crime if we didn’t”.’

‘With that ironclad argument, how could I say no?’ Cas said, pushing Hoagie away from his ear.

‘Oh, but you did,’ Dean said. ‘You told me I was still a patient and-’ Dean was cut off by Hoagie growling and staring at Cas. ‘Cas?’

But Cas didn’t respond, and Hoagie barked even louder.

‘Dean?’ Sam said.

‘Okay, help me get him on the floor,’ Dean said, jumping to his feet. He swatted Hoagie away and hauled Cas out of his seat. ‘Move those chairs,’ he said to Sam, while he lowered Cas to the floor. Hoagie howled under the table. ‘Get me a bucket and some paper towels.’

Sam obliged and placed them next to Dean.

‘It’s all right, I’m here,’ Dean whispered to Cas, rolling him onto his side.

Cas’s whole body went rigid, and Dean grabbed the stopwatch he kept in his pocket. He pressed the button on it to start the timer, and Cas began to shake, his legs flailing out. Dean held him on his side. ‘Just ride it out,’ he said. ‘I’ve got you.’ It only lasted just over a minute, with Dean holding him in place, and Sam watching from the doorway.

‘That’s intense,’ Sam muttered.

Dean just nodded, not looking away from Cas.

Cas came out of it a lot quicker than he had done before, and immediately sat up with a hand clapped over his mouth.

‘Here, here,’ Dean said, handing him the bucket Sam had brought, and rubbing his back as he threw up.

Once he was done, Cas pushed the bucket away and slumped back down. ‘Water,’ he croaked, breathing heavily.

‘Sam?’

‘On it.’

Cas patted the ground in front of him, and Hoagie dutifully sat, leaning against him. ‘Tell me the rest of the story, Dean,’ he said.

Dean got himself more comfortable on the floor, sitting cross-legged and gently patted Cas’s arm. ‘After you made me leave, I waited until I was better to try again, except I sent you flowers every week in between,’ he said softly. ‘Then I got my cast off, and I went to the hospital to ask you one more time. You had a flower in your hand when I came in, and that time you said yes.’

Sam handed Dean a glass of water. Dean helped Cas drink some, then wiped his face with a paper towel.

‘Is it true?’ Cas said. ‘Did we really… on the first date?’

Dean chuckled. ‘Yeah, we did.’

Cas hugged Hoagie, shivering despite the thin film of sweat that coated his skin. ‘Cold,’ he whispered.

‘Do you want me to help you to the couch?’

Cas nodded, so Dean lifted him up and carried him into the living room. Dean lay him down on the couch, then draped the crochet blanket over him. Hoagie jumped up next to him, and he closed his eyes. He drifted in and out of sleep, the sound of Sam and Dean talking in the next room washing over him. Before he knew it, it was dark, Sam was gone, and Dean was shaking him awake.

‘Hey,’ Dean said. ‘I made you some soup.’

Cas pushed himself up. ‘I’m not hungry.’

‘I know. You should have some anyway.’

‘Can you help me?’

‘Of course.’

‘Will you tell Sam I’m sorry?’ Cas said as he sat at the table with his soup.

‘Don’t even worry about him,’ Dean said, passing Cas a spoon. ‘How you feeling?’

Cas shrugged, spooning a small amount of soup into his mouth. He couldn’t stomach much, but sat at the table while Dean ate, occasionally slurping up another spoonful. ‘What flowers did you send?’ Cas asked.

Dean rested his elbows on the table, considering Cas carefully, then gave a small smile. ‘Maybe you’ll find out.’

Cas smiled back, the odd fluttering in his chest returning. ‘I think that’s a good idea.’

Cas went to bed late that night, Hoagie in his usual spot at the foot of the bed. He slept fitfully again. The nap during the day had thrown off what little routine he’d had, and he woke up several times in the night. Then at around two in the morning, Cas woke up clutching fistfuls of the blankets and reaching over the other side of the bed. All of a sudden, he knew what he needed – what had been missing.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and slowly paced around the room, Hoagie watching him with his eyes half closed. Cas rubbed his neck uncomfortably, the many ways he could ask Dean swirling around his head. He didn’t want to upset Dean, or put him in an awkward situation, but if he could get better sleep, then he could concentrate on his memories more. He crept out of the bedroom and stood in front of the door to the spare room. He had avoided going inside, for Dean to keep his privacy, so he hesitated with his hand on the doorknob. He chewed his thumbnail for a second, opened the door, and froze.

The room was dark and slightly chilly, but all there was inside was a large desk with a computer and chair on one side underneath the window; a few guitars on the other side; and a couple of filing cabinets shoved into a corner. No bed, and no Dean.

Hoagie trotted into the room behind him, sniffing the air.

‘Where’s Dean?’ Cas muttered to him.

Hoagie briefly wagged his tail, then turned around and left.

Cas followed him to the living room door. It had been closed, and Hoagie pawed at it.

Cas opened it and slipped into the room. He found Dean asleep on the couch, limbs sprawled out and the crochet blanket scrunched up on his chest. Cas knelt down next to him and pushed Hoagie away. He touched Dean’s shoulder and Dean jerked awake.

‘What are you doing on the couch?’ Cas whispered.

Dean groaned, rubbing his face. ‘What are you doing up?’ he said blearily, ignoring Cas’s question.

‘I can’t sleep.’

‘Man, you need your meds,’ Dean grumbled, rearranging the blanket over himself.

‘I can’t have any.’

‘I know.’

‘Why are you on the couch?’ Cas repeated.

Dean sighed. ‘I didn’t want to make things weird. You can’t just get in bed with a guy who doesn’t know you.’

Cas’s nerves disappeared, and he reached out and took Dean’s hand. ‘Come to bed, Dean,’ he said.

Dean blinked. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Only if you are.’

Dean squeezed Cas’s hand.

‘I think it might help me sleep if you were there.’

Dean stood up, putting the blanket back on Cas’s recliner.

‘Wait,’ Cas said. ‘You have to promise that this won’t hurt you.’

‘You could never hurt me,’ Dean murmured. He led the way back to the bedroom, settled Hoagie back down on his own bed, and climbed under the covers. He sighed deeply. ‘This is great,’ he said. ‘I’ve had the worst crick in my neck.’ He adjusted the pillows and Cas got in beside him.

Cas shuffled closer to Dean until he was pressed up against Dean’s chest. ‘Is this okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Dean breathed. He draped an arm over Cas, holding him close.

Cas’s whole body relaxed, Dean’s warmth and smell comforting, almost familiar, and he promptly fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to bookworm4ever81 and Superpeace for the comments!  
> See you again soon!


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

 

Cas slept until late morning the next day, finally catching up on some rest. Dean had already gone to work, so Cas lay in the bed for a while, lazily rolling onto his back. He only got up when he felt a slip of paper on Dean’s pillowcase.

_ Hope you slept well,  _ was written in Dean’s handwriting, and Cas smiled.

He slowly pulled on some clothes, hoisting Hoagie up for a hug, and wandered out to the kitchen. He opened the glass door, but halted in his tracks when he saw Dean leaning against the kitchen counter, sniffing and wiping tears away from his cheeks.

‘Dean?’ Cas said uncertainly.

‘Cas,’ Dean croaked, hurriedly attempting to collect himself. 

‘What’s wrong? Aren't you supposed to be at work? Was last night too much?’

‘No, no, of course not,’ Dean said. ‘It’s nothing, I'm fine.’

‘Dean, you promised to be honest with me.’

Dean sighed and rubbed his face. ‘You're right, I just… I'm having a hard time, I guess. They sent me home from work.’’

‘You can tell me.’

Dean nodded. ‘I started trying to fix up the car, but I- I couldn't do it.’

‘I don't understand. You've fixed it before.’

Dean chuckles slightly. ‘Not like that. I'm pretty sure it's salvageable. It's more like, it reminds me of what happened.’ He trailed off to a whisper. ‘What I did to you.’

‘Dean…’

‘You can't defend me on this. You don't remember.’ Dean sniffed again. 

Cas didn't say anything. He approached Dean carefully, watching the guilt etch itself into every line of Dean's face. He stopped just short of Dean. He considered saying something, or reaching out and touching Dean, but he couldn't figure out what would be best. Instead, he held out Hoagie, who had been sitting patiently in his arms. 

Hoagie sniffed Dean, wagged his tail, and began licking Dean's face furiously. 

Dean laughed and took Hoagie from Cas, hugging him close. 

‘Show me,’ Cas said suddenly. ‘The car, I mean.’

Dean’s smile dropped and he lowered Hoagie to the floor. ‘I don't know, Cas-’

‘I want to see it,’ Cas insisted. 

‘It’s really mashed up.’

Cas bit his lip. ‘We had our first kiss in that car,’ he mumbled. ‘It’s another piece of the puzzle, and I think I need to see it.’

Dean looked at him, shocked. ‘You remember that?’ 

‘You didn't tell me that?’

‘No.’

Cas thought hard. ‘I- yes, I suppose I do.’

‘And?’

‘It was… nice. We had dinner. I don't remember what we had…’ Cas rubbed his head. ‘Then we were in the car, and I kissed you, I think.’

‘Yeah, that's right.’

Cas’s mind went hazy again and he couldn't recall anything else. 

‘Maybe it's better you don't remember what happened next,’ Dean smiled. ‘At least not til you remember some other stuff.’

Cas blushed. 

‘All right, I'll take you to the car,’ Dean said after a moment. ‘Maybe it could help.’

Dean took them out in Cas’s car and drove them to the garage. It was a short drive, only about fifteen minutes. They didn't speak in that time, both of them preoccupied by thoughts of the past. 

Dean didn't move when they parked in the yard. He just sat in the driver's seat, staring straight ahead. ‘Are you sure about this?’ he said quietly. 

‘Yes.’

‘Okay.’

Dean got out and led Cas through the garage. 

It was loud, machinery whirring and scraping all around, and Cas pressed a hand to his ear to try and block some of it out. 

They bumped into a lot of people as they walked through, most of whom recognised Cas, but kept their distance. It seemed that they were aware of the situation. Even still, Cas grew agitated, the noise and people getting to him, and making his head throb. 

‘You don't have to do this,’ Dean shouted. 

Cas could barely hear him, so Dean continued forward. 

The noise died down a little when they exited the main buildings, and went out to another, smaller structure.  

Dean pushed up the rusty shutter door, revealing the Impala. 

Though it really was wrecked, Cas could tell that it had been a beautiful car at some point. 

The entire right side of it was crumpled and smashed. The front wheel was missing, and the passenger side door was caved in. 

Dean but his lip nervously while Cas examined it. 

Cas ran a hand along it as he walked from the back to the front. He stopped and looked down at the passenger seat, or what was left of it. The door was even more twisted on the inside, so much so that a hole had been cut through the side of the car, presumably so that Cas could be pulled out. 

His eyes were drawn to the bloody smears on the passenger window and the cracked windscreen, and he shivered. He rubbed his head, a faint twinge of pain lancing along the right side of it. 

‘You all right?’ Dean asked. His voice trembled slightly. 

Cas looked at him. He was looking anywhere but at the car. ‘I’m fine. Are you?’

Dean rubbed his hands together and glanced at the car. 

Cas followed his gaze, back to the blood. ‘Is that what's bothering you?’

Dean shrugged. 

Cas looked around the room thoughtfully. Tools were scattered around and his attention fell on a large hammer. ‘I don't know much about cars, but it seems that these windows are replaceable, right?’

‘Yeah, why?’

Cas picked up the hammer, and before Dean could stop him, he swung it at the car, smashing the passenger window through. 

‘Cas, what the hell!’

But Cas ignored him in favour of hammering in the windscreen. He dropped the hammer heavily when he was done. ‘Better?’

Dean gaped at him, but nodded.

‘You should take the rest of the day off,’ Cas continued. ‘Then you should fix your car.’

Dean nodded again, a smile tugging at his lips. 

‘Let's go home. You can make me a grilled cheese.’

‘If you insist,’ Dean said, his smile growing wider. ‘You're hungry?’

‘I forgot breakfast.’

‘Okay, let's go.’ Dean slung an arm around Cas’s shoulders, but quickly removing it again when he realised what he'd done. 

Cas was tempted to ask him to put it back. Something about it felt comforting. There was no time, however, as they walked back to the main building and his ears were assaulted by noise once more. Worse this time, Cas clapped his hands over his ears, doubling over. A grunt escaped him. He heard Dean yelling, but it blended in with the rest of the noise. A familiar vibrating sensation rattled his head, but it was too late to do anything other than get himself as close to the ground as possible before he lost consciousness. 

The garage was eerily quiet when he came to, aside from a low, murmuring conversation. 

The floor was hard and cold against his side and he couldn't stop shivering. 

‘Cold,’ he mumbled, so quietly he was sure no one had heard him until he felt Dean's hand on his shoulder. 

‘You're cold? Let's get you up.’ Dean helped Cas into a sitting position. 

Cas sagged against him heavily, and the voices around him droned on, so he closed his eyes, waiting for warmth to seep back into him. He didn't realise he had fallen asleep until Dean shook him awake. 

‘I’m sorry, but this is really uncomfortable,’ Dean groaned, stretching out his legs. 

‘Sorry.’ Cas looked around at the garage. It was empty and work had ceased. ‘Did I do this?’

‘No, it's just policy,’ Dean said. ‘Health and safety, yada yada.’

Cas moved away from Dean and climbed unsteadily to his feet. Many of his joints felt stiff and his whole right side felt bruised. 

‘You feeling better?’ Dean asked, following suit. ‘You still want that grilled cheese?’

Cas shook his head queasily. ‘Maybe later.’

‘All right, let's go home.’

As soon as they walked out of the building, the work began again and Cas flinched at the noise. He closed the car door hurriedly when he got in, sighed, and leant back against the headrest. 

‘I don’t think these meds are working, you know,’ Dean frowned. ‘We’ll ask about it at your next appointment.’

Cas made a noncommittal noise, and closed his eyes again, sleeping for the remainder of the journey home. He still felt far away, as though his head were floating in the clouds, when Dean opened his door at home. 

‘You need a minute?’

Cas nodded.

‘All right, take as long as you need.’ Dean left the car door open for him and went up to the house.

Jody came out, letting Hoagie run up to him.

‘Hoagster!’ he exclaimed, bending down to pet the dog, but Hoagie abruptly stopped, his tail freezing mid-wag. ‘What is it, boy?’

Hoagie sniffed the air, then growled and ran to the car, barking loudly.

Dean ran after him, and pulled Cas from the car moments before his body began jerking and flailing. ‘It’s all right,’ Dean murmured. ‘Just ride it out.’ He kept one eye on his watch as he held Cas firmly on his side. He winced as some of the gravel caught Cas’s face, grazing it a little.

After a minute and forty-two seconds, the shaking stopped and Cas relaxed under his grip. ‘Jody, c’mere,’ he said. ‘Stay with him. I gotta call his doctor.’

‘Sure.’ Jody sat next to Cas’s limp form, while Dean paced around waiting for the doctor to pick up.

Cas stirred and groaned. 

‘Lie still, sweetie,’ Jody said, rubbing his arm.

‘My head,’ Cas mumbled, pressing his hands to his forehead.

‘Is he awake?’ Dean called from the other side of the gravelly yard.

‘Yeah.’

‘Yeah, he’s awake,’ Dean said down the phone.

‘What happened?’ Cas asked, feeling the small cuts on his face.

‘Just a seizure, honey,’ Jody said reassuringly.

‘Another one?’

‘What do you mean?’ Jody said, suddenly more concerned than she had been.

‘I had one… just now… in the place.’ Cas licked his lips and grimaced. ‘Dusty…’

‘I’ll get you something to drink, just stay there a minute.’ Jody got up and brushed herself down before disappearing inside the house.

Cas wiggled his extremities to make sure they were all in working order while he waited for Jody to come back.

‘Are you ready to try and sit up?’ she asked when she returned with a bottle of water.

‘Yes.’ Cas shakily pushed himself up for the second time that day, until he was leaning against the car. Everything was spinning, so much so that he could hardly see anything around him. Jody put the bottled to his lips and he sipped a little of it. ‘Where’s Dean?’

‘He’s right here, honey. Right here.’ She waved him over.

Cas struggled to focus, the dizziness not going away. Dean knelt down in front of him and took his hands. 

‘What do you need?’ Dean said.

‘Make it stop,’ Cas said. Closing his eyes only made it worse.

‘Deep breaths,’ Dean said. ‘It’ll pass.’

Cas did as he said.

‘He looks real pale,’ Dean said to Jody worriedly. 

‘Have some more water, Cas.’ Jody helped him drink some more.

Dean held Cas’s head still by the chin, trying to get Cas’s glassy eyes to focus on him. ‘Cas, I spoke to the doctor, and he said it was our call. Do you feel like you need to go to the hospital?’

Cas swallowed, and Dean’s face finally swam into focus. He thought about it, as much as he had the capacity to at that point. Nothing seemed to be injured too badly, and the dizziness was beginning to subside. ‘No,’ he said finally.

Dean and Jody sighed in relief.

‘All right, let’s get you inside.’ Dean lifted him up a little too quickly and he nearly collapsed again. ‘Jody, get the door?’

‘Got it.’

Dean supported Cas all the way inside to the bedroom. He gently took off Cas’s shoes and tucked him into bed. ‘Call me if you need anything.’ He fought the urge to kiss his forehead and forced himself to walk away.

He sat down at the dining room table, his head in his hands. 

‘Here,’ Jody said, sitting next to him, setting a cup of coffee down in front of him.

‘Thanks.’

‘You okay?’

‘Sure.’

‘Dean.’

Dean shrugged. ‘How okay are you expecting me to be, exactly?’ he said. ‘I gave my husband brain damage. He’s going to be like this forever, and it’s all my fault, and he doesn’t even know who I am.’

‘He knows who you are.’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘You’re being too hard on yourself,’ Jody said. ‘You’re taking such good care of him, and it’s not like he’s ever been unobservant. He’ll remember before you know it.’

‘He did remember our first kiss this morning,’ Dean said with a small smile.

‘Really? That’s amazing, Dean, what did I tell you?’

Dean allowed his smile to widen.

‘All you need now is a little bit of patience.’

‘Yeah, maybe you’re right.’

‘I  _ am  _ right. Has he remembered anything else?’

‘He sure remembers that I make a kick-ass grilled cheese.’

Jody smiled at him. ‘Alex works with a lot of folks that need help, and she says by far the best thing for them is to celebrate the little victories. Maybe he doesn’t remember any of the big stuff, but that doesn’t discount the fact that he remembers your kick-ass grilled cheese.’

Dean laughed.

‘Now, do you need anything before I go? You want some dinner?’

‘No thanks, Jody. I appreciate today.’

‘Any time you guys need me, I’m right here, okay?’ She patted his head and Hoagie’s before she left.

 

Cas woke up later that night, with Dean beside him in bed. The sky was dark outside, but a thin, grey line on the horizon told him it was almost dawn. He felt infinitely better than he had the afternoon before, but having skipped all three meals, was also infinitely more hungry. ‘Dean,’ he murmured, shaking his shoulder.

Dean rolled over and looked up at him blearily. ‘Mm?’

‘Are you awake?’

‘I am now. What’s up?’

‘I could use a grilled-cheese.’ 

Dean smiled, rubbing his face. ‘All right. ‘

Cas waited patiently at the dining room table while Dean cooked, patting a confused Hoagie in his lap. He wasn't used to being up so early. 

Dean placed the plate and a cup of coffee down for him, sat opposite with his own, and watched Cas take a bite. 

‘As good as I remember,’ Cas said past a mouthful. 

Dean grinned. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Sore,’ Cas said. His pajamas slipped down over his shoulder, revealing a splotchy bruise, and he brushed the graze on his face. ‘What did the doctor say? You called him, right?’

Dean nodded. ‘He’s moved up your checkup for in a couple of days, and we've got an urgent appointment with your epilepsy specialist later.’

Cas frowned at his use of the word “we”. ‘You don't have to come with me.’

Dean leaned back in his chair, fixing Cas with an amused smirk. ‘Oh yeah? How are you gonna get there?’

‘I could cycle.’

‘Do you know the way?’

Cas didn't answer and felt his cheeks warm. 

Dean chuckled. ‘I don't mind taking you. Really.’

‘What about work? Your car?’

‘It'll all still be there tomorrow.’

Cas drank some more of his coffee, not entirely happy with the situation. 

Dean looked out of the window behind Cas. ‘Let me show you something.’

Cas looked up, surprised as Dean got to his feet, and followed him out onto the balcony. 

‘Look out over there,’ Dean said, pointing towards the hills to the right of the house. 

Sunlight was beginning to creep over the hills, painting the sky pale pink. 

Cas breathed in deeply, still enjoying the sea breeze that skimmed over them from the ocean, and watched the sky grow ever brighter. 

‘We get the best views out here,’ Dean said. 

Cas glanced at Dean, the light softly brushing his face. ‘We do,’ he agreed, his stomach squirming slightly. 

They watched the sunrise together a little while longer, until the sun glittered on the ocean and the birds sang around them. 

Cas thought through his list of questions again. The tranquility of the morning made him reluctant to break it, so he chose what he thought was an easier question. 

‘If that second room isn't a bedroom, what is it for?’ Cas asked. 

‘Nothing much,’ Dean said. ‘Sort of an office.’

‘Sort of?’

‘Why don't we just take a look.’

 

Cas went into the room first to have another look around. The desk was still there, though it looked larger in the light. He could see papers sticking out of the filing cabinets. ‘What’s in there?’ he said, pointing at the cabinets.

Dean shrugged. ‘Important papers,’ he said. ‘Medical records, the deed to the house, stuff like that.’

Cas nodded, then carried on around the room. ‘Are these yours?’ he asked, picking up one of the guitars.

‘Yeah.’

‘You play?’

‘A little,’ Dean said, embarrassed. ‘You don't,’ he added before Cas could ask. 

‘No, I didn't think so.’ He went to the wardrobes that took up the length of the wall between this room and the bedroom. He opened one and found guitar cases. He ran his hands over them before moving onto the next wardrobe, which he slammed closed almost as soon as he had opened. ‘Those are our wedding suits, aren't they?’ he said quietly, his mouth suddenly going dry. 

Dean nodded, watching him warily. 

Cas touched the door again but backed away. ‘I can't.’

‘You don't have to.’

Cas sighed and sat down at the desk. ‘I want to. More than anything.’

‘You will.’

‘How can you be sure?’ Cas said, fiddling with the drawers in the desk. 

‘I have to be,’ Dean murmured, so quietly that Cas almost didn't hear him. 

Cas’s fingers landed on a thick envelope inside one of the drawers, and he drew it out to find it stuffed with photos. ‘What are these?’ he asked before he opened them. 

Dean shifted uncomfortably. ‘They're pictures of you in the hospital. Sam insisted, in case…’

‘In case they were the last time you'd see me,’ Cas finished. He hesitated for a moment, then opened the folder. 

Dean bit his lip, rubbing his hands together as Cas went through them. 

The first one showed him lying in the bed, covered in bandages, and he almost gagged as he recalled the feeling of the ventilator. 

‘That one was taken not long after,’ said Dean. 

Another showed Cas with fewer bandages, but with Dean next to him. Dean appeared to be in a wheelchair, with his leg hoisted up. He was holding a book in his hands. 

‘Are you reading to me there?’ Cas asked. 

‘Yeah. Your EEG always showed more activity when I read to you. According to that, your favourite book is  _ The Hobbit.’ _

Cas flicked through the photos, surprised at how many there were. 

‘No one thought you would wake up,’ Dean said, taking the photos from him and looking through them. ‘They asked me to-’ Dean abruptly cut himself off, tearing up. 

‘What?’

‘They asked me to turn off your life support. Three times.’

Cas gasped softly. 

‘I wouldn't let them,’ Dean said in a low growl. ‘They were going to ask me again, I know they were. But then you started to wake up.’

‘What changed?’ Cas said, gazing at the picture of himself in the hospital bed. He had been talking to himself, but Dean answered. 

‘I asked you for a miracle,’ he said softly, ‘and you gave me one.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to giscindy and liesje_86 for the comments! See you again next time!


	6. Chapter Six

 

Cas’s epilepsy specialist ended up agreeing with Dean, and switching Cas’s meds, and told Dean to contact her as soon as they noticed any changes.

They updated Cas’s consultant, who decided to send Cas to a therapist.

‘I can’t give you your anxiety meds, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give you treatment,’ he said. ‘And I’ll find you one that’ll help you come up with methods of recovering memory.’

Cas thought of his notebook, hidden away in his bedside table, and glanced at Dean. He was running out of easy questions.

 

Cas was nervous before his first appointment, but his therapist seemed kind. 

‘Good morning, Castiel,’ she said, smiling when she saw him. ‘Take a seat.’

Cas sat in a comfortable chair opposite her, holding his notebook, and watched her writing on her clipboard for a while. She had straight, brown hair and round glasses. ‘I’m sorry,’ Cas said after a while. ‘I don't know your name.’

She smiled at him again. ‘You can call me Penny. Would you like to get started?’

Cas shrugged. 

‘I have your medical file here, so I understand what's going on there, but I'd just like to get to know you a little before we refer to that.’

‘What would you like to know?’

‘Do you go by Castiel? Or anything else?’

‘It’s Cas.’

‘What's your favourite colour?’

‘Does that matter?’

‘That depends. Does that matter to you?’

Cas didn't answer. 

‘It says in your file that you're suffering almost complete memory loss. It seems to me that you'd be interested in building up an idea of who you are.’

Cas smiled. ‘I suppose so.’ He thought about it for a moment. ‘My favourite colour is green.’

‘Good. We're not going to dig too deep this session. All we're going to do is set out some goals and, if we have time, start on some techniques to improve your memory.’

‘That sounds good.’

Penny grabbed a fresh sheet of paper and settled down properly in her seat. ‘What are you hoping to get out of these sessions? What would you consider to be your end goal?’

‘Dean,’ Cas said immediately. ‘I want to remember Dean.’

‘Dean is?’

‘My husband.’

‘What do you remember about him?’

‘Not much,’ Cas said sadly. ‘A little of when we met. His car. That's about it.’

Penny nodded, writing on her paper. ‘All right, we can put that down as our end goal. We can add to it or change it as we go along. For now though, did you have anything smaller in mind?’ She looked up and noticed the small notebook clutched in Cas’s hands. ‘What's that you have there?’

Cas hesitated. ‘These are questions,’ he said. ‘Questions that I wanted to ask Dean.’

‘Why haven't you?’

‘I don't want to upset him.’

Penny tapped her pen on the clipboard. ‘Perhaps that can be one of your smaller goals - asking Dean one of your questions.’

‘I think I would like that.’

‘I like that you're already writing things down. I think we can use that to help with your short term memory. I would recommend that you begin writing lists of more things than this, such as what chores you need to do for the day, and what medications you've taken, and that will help you be a little more independent. What do you think?’

Cas nodded. 

For the rest of the sessions, Penny helped him identify some smaller things he could remember by himself, like walking Hoagie, and insisted he take pride in those things. 

‘I’ve seen your file, Cas,’ she said, just as they were finishing the session. ‘I know what happened to you, and you should be very proud of how far you've come alone. It may not seem like much to you, and I can help you put it into perspective.’

Cas got to his feet, and allowed himself a small moment of pride. ‘Thank you,’ he said. 

‘You're very welcome. I'll see you next week.’

When Cas went out to the waiting room, Dean was dozing quietly in a chair, but looked up blearily when he heard Cas coming. 

‘Hey,’ he mumbled. ‘How’d it go?’

‘I have homework.’

Dean laughed and stood up. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Wait,’ Cas said. ‘What’s your favourite colour?’

Dean’s eyebrows rose. ‘That part of your homework?’

‘Sort of.’

Dean looked Cas in the eye. ‘My favourite colour’s blue,’ he said quietly. ‘Come on, I’m hungry, let’s get lunch.’

‘Then you’re going to work on the car?’

‘Then I’m going to work on the car.’

 

Dean was quiet for a few weeks, coming home grimy and exhausted every day, though he seemed pleased with the progress he was making on the Impala.

Cas attempted to cook for him a few times, seeing as he was so tired, but he couldn’t remember how to make much. There were a few cookbooks around, but Cas kept forgetting about things once he set them to cook. More than once, Dean came home to things burnt to the bottom of pots and pans, and ended up ordering a pizza.

‘I’m sorry, Dean,’ Cas said miserably one night, while Dean scraped the charred remains of his mac and cheese out of a pan.

‘What? Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘Was I this bad before?’

Dean didn’t answer.

‘I didn’t think I was,’ Cas sighed. 

‘You’ve got brain damage, Cas. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Come on, I’m ordering chinese food tonight.’

Cas still couldn’t stomach much food. The new meds had lessened the frequency of his seizures, but made him feel worse than the last ones.

Dean frowned when Cas fiddled with his food more than he ate it, but didn’t comment on it.

 

They were still sleeping in the same bed, though Dean was now frequently woken in the night by Cas bolting to the bathroom to vomit.

On one of Dean’s mornings off, Cas woke early and slightly light-headed, though surprisingly hungry.

Dean was already in the bathroom, so Cas got up and threw on some clothes. Hoagie wagged his tail in greeting, and Cas scratched him under the chin. Just as he was leaving the bedroom, there was knock on the front door.

‘Will you get that?’ Dean called from the bathroom.

Cas opened the door to find a delivery man holding a huge bouquet of sweet-smelling lilies. 

‘Uh, I’m looking for Mr Winchester?’

Cas just stared at him. ‘Which one?’

The man fiddled with the card attached to the flowers. ‘Um… Castiel?’

‘Oh, that’s me.’ Cas thanked him and took the flowers from him. He walked down the hallway, his nose buried in the bouquet, and into the kitchen to get a vase.

Dean was in there, pouring them both some coffee. He winked at Cas when he came in with the flowers.

‘They’re beautiful,’ Cas said, smiling shyly. 

‘They are. You’re a lucky guy,’ said Dean, feigning innocence. He took a vase down from one of the cupboards, filled it with water, and passed it to Cas.

Cas decided to put them on top of the chest with the photo albums in the dining room. He stood admiring them until Dean came in with their coffee. ‘They remind me of something…’ Cas murmured, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

They drank their coffee together, sitting on either side of the table.

Cas glanced up occasionally, at Dean who was gazing at him intently, and he felt himself blush several times.

The silence was broken when Sam came in the side door, making them both jump.

‘Hey, guys!’ Sam called. He came into the dining room and saw the surprised expressions on both of their faces. ‘You forgot I was coming for breakfast.’

‘I would never,’ Dean said.

‘I have brain damage,’ said Cas.

‘Oh good, you taught him how to use that as an excuse.’ Sam sat down at the table, and Cas got up at the same time.

‘Coffee, Sam?’ Cas said.

‘Sure.’

Cas switched on the coffee machine and made himself a bowl of cereal while he was there, then brought it and Sam’s coffee through to the dining room. 

‘Nice flowers,’ Sam said when Cas came back in.

Cas smiled, blushing again.

Sam grinned and sipped his coffee, but it turned to a slight frown as Cas stared at him. 

‘You’re a lawyer,’ Cas blurted out.

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I am.’

‘You’re good.’

‘I like to think so.’

Cas settled down, satisfied with his assessment of Sam, and ate his cereal while his stomach was still calm. He listened to Sam and Dean teasing each other. He was glad that Dean still had normalcy with his brother, and it was the only time he got to see Dean almost fully relax. He watched Dean almost fall out of his chair from laughing, and a thought suddenly occurred to him. 

‘Did you call Gabriel?’ he asked.

The laughter suddenly died, and Sam and Dean both stared at him.

‘I know he can be difficult to contact, but I  _ was  _ in a coma.’ Cas looked between them, neither of them saying anything. ‘What?’

Sam and Dean looked at each other, shifting uncomfortably. 

‘Sam, don’t you have that thing you have to do?’ said Dean.

‘Oh, yeah, I have a thing,’ Sam said, hurriedly getting to his feet. ‘See you later.’

‘What's going on?’ Cas said warily, putting his spoon down.

Dean moved around the table to sit next to Cas, and stared at his knees. ‘Cas…’ he mumbled, his voice shaking slightly. He opened and closed his mouth, then sighed. ‘Cas, I’m so sorry.’ He looked up at Cas, sympathy and sorrow clear on his face. ‘Gabriel - Gabriel’s gone.’

Cas froze. ‘What?’

Dean’s chin wobbled, and he pressed his lips together. ‘He passed away just over a year ago.’

Cas pulled away from Dean, shaking his head. ‘No,’ he said. ‘That’s not right.’

‘Cas-’

‘No, you’re wrong.’ Dread spread through Cas’s chest. ‘He can’t be, I saw him…’

Dean’s heart broke for Cas, and tears filled his eyes. ‘When did you see him?’ he said quietly.

‘I…’ Cas wracked his mind for the memory but it wouldn’t come. ‘But I saw him, I know I did.’

Dean grabbed Cas’s hands but Cas snatched them away.

‘I  _ saw him,’  _ Cas insisted, suddenly angry. He pushed himself to his feet, knocking his bowl onto the floor. ‘He’s just - he’s just in the mountains somewhere, or - or-’

‘Cas, please,’ Dean said, tears openly falling down his cheeks.

‘ _ No.’  _ Cas stormed out of the room, and continued through the kitchen, the utility room, and out through the side door.

‘Where are you going?’ Dean said, following Cas outside. ‘You’re not wearing any shoes.’

‘I don’t care,’ Cas shouted, walking out onto the gravel. ‘Leave me alone, Dean.’

‘No.’

Cas stopped, the stones digging into the soles of his feet, and rounded on Dean. ‘You can’t - you can’t just say things like that. You can’t.’

‘I’m sorry,’ was the only thing Dean could say. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you, you know I wouldn’t.’

‘Do I?’ Cas said scathingly.

‘Cas, come on…’

Cas looked Dean up and down. He was still crying, and holding his hands out slightly, for Cas to come back. Cas saw the openness on his face, and his stomach clenched. He  _ did  _ know that Dean wouldn’t lie to him. ‘Oh,  _ God,’  _ he whispered, putting a hand over his mouth. His whole body trembled, and he felt as though he were falling. ‘Dean…’

Dean crossed the remaining distance between them and wrapped his arms around Cas, holding him close.

‘Not Gabriel,’ Cas whimpered into Dean’s chest.

‘I’m sorry, baby,’ Dean said, stroking Cas’s head. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Cas’s fists balled up in Dean’s shirt. ‘Not Gabriel,’ he repeated.

‘Just come inside, Cas,’ Dean murmured. ‘You’ll hurt your feet, please come inside.’

Cas nodded, and followed Dean back into the house.  Dean bundled him up on the couch and he stared at the blank TV screen. He felt numb, and empty, but for the stinging in his feet. 

Dean came into the living room with a hot chocolate and placed it on the coffee table, then sat next to Cas in silence.

Eventually, Cas picked up the drink and took a sip. The warmth made him feel marginally better, and he shifted until he was sitting cross-legged on the couch, facing Dean. He gripped the mug tightly. ‘What- what happened to him?’ he asked. ‘What happened to Gabriel?’

Dean leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes briefly. ‘It was an aneurysm,’ he said finally. ‘It was already too late by the time they got him to the hospital. There was nothing they could do.’

Cas ran a hand through his hair. ‘It seems by brother and I were not lucky in the neurology department.’

Dean snorted quietly. ‘No, I guess not.’ Dean’s eyes searched Cas for a moment. ‘Wait here a sec, I’ve got something to show you.’

Cas sipped his drink, and listened to Dean rummaging around. When he came back, he had an envelope in his hand, similar to the one Cas had found containing the pictures of himself in the hospital.

Dean hesitated, then put them in Cas’s hand. ‘You guys went to Six Flags a few days before - before it happened. You didn’t want to see them before, but I - I had them printed anyway, just in case you ever changed your mind.’

Cas held the envelope limply. 

‘I’ll give you some space,’ Dean said, making to leave the room. 

‘No,’ said Cas. ‘Don't go. Please?’

Dean stopped, staring at him in surprise. 

‘Will you look at these with me?’

Dean sat back down. ‘Are you sure?’

Cas nodded and opened the envelope. 

The first photo was of Cas and Gabriel outside the gates at Six Flags. Gabriel had on large aviator sunglasses and had his arm tightly around Cas’s shoulders. Cas looked at his own, embarrassed face, then at Gabriel's gleeful one. 

There were more of them in various places around the park, and a few of them on the rides. 

‘I don't remember,’ Cas said, flipping through the photos. ‘I don’t remember this at all.’

‘It’s okay-’

‘It’s not okay,’ Cas interrupted, letting the photos drop into his lap. ‘It’s not okay that I can’t remember my last days with my brother.’ Cas’s voice cracked. ‘It is very far from okay.’ He stuffed the photos away and angrily wiped his face.

Dean gently took the envelope away. ‘There’s nothing I can say to make this better, Cas.’

Cas shook his head. ‘Where is he buried?’

‘He isn’t,’ Dean said. ‘He was cremated. He always used to say that when he died, he wanted you to leave his urn somewhere in the Circus Circus Casino in Vegas.’

Cas laughed softly. ‘That seems inappropriate.’

Dean’s face softened. ‘Yeah, that’s what you said at the time.’

‘Where is he, then?’

‘I don’t know where exactly,’ Dean said apologetically. ‘You didn’t do the Circus Circus thing, but you took him out into the Nevada desert and scattered him somewhere out there. You wanted to go alone, so…’ Dean tried to check his watch discreetly, but Cas noticed.

‘You should go to work. It’s getting late.’

‘I really don’t have to.’

Cas sighed. ‘What are you going to do around here all day? There’s no point in watching me sit here. I’ll call if I need anything.’

If Cas was honest with himself, he was glad of the quiet once Dean had left for work. His nausea returned, but he managed to force down half a sandwich for lunch. He didn’t have dinner either, but was able to drink another hot chocolate while Dean ate alone at the table.

Dean quickly fell asleep that night, with his arm draped protectively over Cas, but sleep wouldn’t come for Cas.

He stared at the ceiling for hours, thinking about Gabriel, until he couldn’t lie still any longer. He carefully extricated himself from Dean and made his way outside, remembering to put on shoes and a sweater this time. 

It was chilly out in the dark, but the sky was clear. Cas walked around the side of the house and out onto the lawn, where he lay down on the grass. He could hear the waves crashing in the distance. The stars shone brightly, and as Cas stared up at them, he recognised some of the shapes.

_ ‘That one’s Cassiopeia,’  _ Gabriel had said to him once, pointing at the constellation.

_ ‘Cassie, like me,’  _ Cas had said back, giggling at it.

_ ‘Yeah, just like you.’  _ Gabriel had laughed, mussing his hair.

Cas felt the memory like a kick in the chest, and he curled into a ball, his tears falling hot and fast into the grass. Great, heaving sobs hammered through him, until his throat was sore and his mouth was dry. Eventually, the tears stopped coming, but the ache in his chest worsened. The chilly breeze dried his face, making it feel crusty, but he made no move to wipe it away, or get up. He breathed in the smell of the earth and ran his fingers through the grass. He heard footsteps, but didn't look up until a blanket was draped over him. 

Dean didn't say anything. He just lay down beside Cas and gently stroked his hair. 

‘Why?’ Cas whispered. 

Dean sighed deeply. ‘It’s not fair, I know. I never thought I'd be the guy to have to tell you twice.’ 

Cas sniffed. ‘What woke you?’

‘Hoagie.’ Dean said. ‘He went back to sleep though.’

Cas’s eyes started to sting now that they were so dry. He rolled onto his back and stared back up at the sky, to try and distract himself. 

‘That one's Cassiopeia,’ said Dean, pointing up. He seemed to know that Cas wanted a distraction. ‘And that one's Draco.’

‘How do you know?’

‘You showed me,’ Dean said softly. ‘You love the stars.’

‘They are beautiful.’

‘Yeah,’ Dean said, turning to face him. He was barely discernible in the dark, but his eyes shone in the dim light of the crescent moon. ‘They are.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to liesje_86 and piccoguard for the comments!


	7. Chapter Seven

 

Dean knelt beside Cas in the bathroom, rubbing his back with one hand, and holding his ear to his phone with the other.

‘I’m telling you, these meds are doing more harm than good,’ Dean insisted to the doctor. ‘I know you wanted to wait it out, but it’s been four weeks and it’s just getting worse.’

Cas had his head in the toilet, sweating and shaking.

‘No, he hasn’t stopped puking all morning, and he hasn’t eaten since breakfast yeterday. He’s not supposed to lose any weight, but he’s sure not gaining any like this.’

Cas retched again, but had nothing left to bring up.

‘Yeah, yeah, I’ll bring him, if I can get him away from the toilet.’ Dean hung up the phone and turned his attention back to Cas.

‘Ugh,’ Cas groaned, sitting back heavily.

‘Here, try and drink some water,’ Dean said, passing him a glass.

Cas took it with shaking fingers and took a tiny sip - just enough to soothe his cracked lips and burning throat.

Dean stroked the back of Cas’s head. ‘It staying down?’ he asked.

Cas gave a slight nod, closing his eyes.

‘You think you can go in the car?’

‘Let me get dressed,’ he croaked.

‘Sure. Take your time.’ Dean helped him up, and watched him walk down the hallway to their bedroom.

He went into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. He had helped Cas put up several whiteboards around the kitchen, a couple stuck to cupboard doors, and another to the door to the utility room. He looked around at them and sighed. Even this small thing served as a reminder of how different things were now. Where Cas had been quick and decisive, he was now uncertain, and almost helpless. It was a jarring change, to be sure, and as he stared at the whiteboards, all with different lists written on them, Dean realised that even Cas’s handwriting was different now. He gripped his cup tightly, and wondered if he would ever see Cas’s neat, cursive again, or if it was forever replaced by the messy scrawl that more resembled his own on the whiteboards.

Cas didn’t emerge from the bedroom until Dean had almost finished his coffee. He was pale and still shaking, but Dean smiled at him.

‘That’s my shirt,’ Dean said.

‘Sorry,’ Cas mumbled.

Dean shook his head. The Cas standing in front of him was pale and skinny, nothing like the lean, tanned man he’d been before, but all Dean had to do was look at him and feel the squeezing in his chest to know that his feelings were one of the few things that remained unchanged.

‘Dean, can I ask you something?’ Cas said.

Dean raised his eyebrows. Another thing that hadn’t changed was the way that Cas’s brilliant blue eyes searched him, and seemed to see into his very soul. ‘What?’

Cas hesitated. ‘I know you don’t like to talk about it, but…’ His eyes flickered down to the drawer that Dean kept his sobriety chips in.

‘It’s okay,’ Dean said, ignoring the tensing in his shoulders.

‘I worry about you…’ Cas began.

Dean smiled. ‘At least there’s that.’

‘When was the last time you went to a meeting?’

Dean froze. ‘Uh… it’s been a while, I guess.’

‘Maybe you should go to one… Or maybe you should call your sponsor?’

Dean downed the rest of his coffee and stared into the bottom of the mug. He could feel Cas’s apprehension from where he was standing. ‘You know, maybe that’s not such a bad idea,’ he murmured.

Cas relaxed slightly. ‘That wasn’t - that wasn’t too forward of me?’

‘No, no, of course not,’ Dean said, smiling at him. He fought the urge to reach out and stroke Cas’s cheek. He could still feel the ghost of Cas’s hand on his own face, and the squeezing in his chest grew deeper. ‘Come on, the doctor’s waiting.’

 

This time when they arrived at the hospital, both the epilepsy specialist and Cas’s consultant were waiting in the office.

Dean wrote down everything he thought might be important, but noticed Cas leaning back in his chair and staring into space.

‘Are you all right with all of this, Cas?’ the consultant asked.

Cas nodded distractedly.

‘Cas?’ Dean said, again resisting touching him.

‘Hmm?’

‘You okay?’

Cas blinked and shook himself out of his reverie. ‘I had an idea… a suggestion,’ he said, looking at the doctor.

‘Oh?’

‘I thought - perhaps - it might not be a good idea - but maybe I could visit the ward I worked on.’

Dean bit his lip. ‘I don’t know if that’s the best idea, Cas.’

‘I think it could be,’ the consultant said. ‘If you think it’ll help with your memory.’

Cas nodded. ‘You should check with the nurses there first, I wouldn’t want to upset any of the children. I’m sure there are still some there that know me.’

‘I’ll see what I can do. Here’s your new prescription, and I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.’

 

Dean walked Cas back out of the office, but they only made it as far as the elevator before Cas had to sit down, resting his head in his hands.

‘What’s wrong?’ Dean asked.

‘Just a little light-headed,’ Cas mumbled.

‘Do you need the chair?’ said Dean. ‘I know you hate it,’ he added hastily at Cas’s scowl, ‘but it’s in the car if you want it.’

Cas nodded, and Dean smiled to himself as he walked away, listening to Cas’s grumbling.

When Dean got Cas outside, he lost his willpower for a moment, and ran his hand through the hair on the top of Cas’s head. He loved how thick Cas’s hair was, how easy it was to get his fingers tangled in it. He removed his hand before he made Cas uncomfortable and drove them both home.

Cas had regained enough energy to get himself to his recliner, but nothing more, and fell asleep with Hoagie curled up in his lap.

Dean watched him sleep for a while. That was new too. Cas never used to sleep much, and never at all during the day. His heart ached and he longed to join Cas curled up in the chair. Instead, he made himself another cup of coffee, and swallowed all of it once it was cool enough. A little niggle in the back of his mind wished for it to be something stronger. He made another cup of coffee.

Even this new Cas refused to ask Dean for anything more than what was necessary. He'd found it annoying before, but now it was familiar and comforting. He snorted quietly to himself. Perhaps he had changed too, now that he found the strangest things comforting. But the one thing Cas had asked for so far was the Impala. Dean couldn't fix Cas’s brain or take away what had happened, but this he could do. He finished his coffee, left a message for Cas on one of the whiteboards and drove down to the yard.

He'd made good progress already. He'd straightened out the passenger side door, and fixed most of the dents in the body. The windows would go in after he buffed out all the scratches, and then he would apply a coat of paint to even out the colour.

He set to work, even more determined to finish it now than he had been before, with the memory of Cas smashing the windows for him as motivation.

Over the next few days, Cas’s nausea disappeared once the new medication began to kick in, and Dean finally finished the car.

He put on the finishing touches, waxing and polishing her until she gleamed, putting all of his tapes back in the glove box, and restocking the emergency supplies in the trunk Then he sat down in the driver's seat, his hands on the wheel. He sighed deeply. ‘I missed you,’ he whispered to her. ‘You're gonna help me get Cas back, aren't you?’ He rested his head on the wheel for a while, breathing in the smell of leather and polish. It wasn't until he was sitting in it that Dean realised precisely how much he'd missed the Impala. Cas’s little blue car was fine for getting around in, but nothing fit him like it did in the Impala. Even down to the smell - a faint whiff of disinfectant - the Toyota was more Cas’s than it ever would be his. He pulled out his phone and texted Sam.

_Fixed the car. Come drive Cas’s home._

He didn't wait for a reply, and put his keys in the ignition.

The Impala roared to life, and Dean gave it a few revs before pulling out of the garage.

He steered it down the driveway, where he found Cas already waiting, with a huge smile on his face. He rolled the window down and popped his head out.

‘I recognised the sound,’ Cas said to Dean as he approached the car.

‘That's great,’ Dean grinned. He watched Cas move around the car, running his hands along it.

‘She really is beautiful,’ Cas said.

‘Yeah. You want to take her for a spin?’

‘Absolutely.’ Cas hopped into the passenger side and strapped himself in. ‘Where are we going?’ he asked excitedly.

Dean considered it. The sun was beginning to set but the air was still warm, and he smiled. He knew the perfect place. ‘You'll see,’ he said.

Once out of their own driveway, Dean drove them along a winding road lined with swaying trees. He glanced at Cas every so often, making sure that the peaceful smile remained on Cas’s face. Cas rolled down his own window and put his hand out.

Dean switched on the tape deck and played the music on a low volume and saw Cas shiver slightly. ‘Cold?’ he asked.

Cas shook his head. ‘Something else,’ he murmured.

Dean drove for another few minutes until they came to a turn in the road, and heard Cas gasp as it opened out onto a road right alongside the beach.

The sun had turned everything a peachy orange, and glittered off the ocean waves.

Dean slowed the car a little so Cas could enjoy the view, but kept driving along the coast. Soon, he had his destination in his sights, and pulled the car to a stop next to a secluded sand dune.

Cas got out of the car first, looking around curiously. ‘This seems familiar,’ he said. ‘Where are we?’

Dean shrugged. ‘The beach,’ he said.

‘It’s more than that, isn't it?’

Dean smiled, still marvelling at Cas’s perception. ‘I- I don't want to tell you,’ he said. ‘Well not yet. I want you to try and remember. It doesn't matter whether or not I tell you if you don't know what it feels like.’

‘I understand.’ Cas climbed up the dune and Dean followed him to the top, where they gazed out across the sea. Cas breathed deeply. ‘I can see why I wanted to be near the ocean,’ he said. He took off his shoes and slid down the other side of the dune, walking towards the water.

Dean hung back and watched him. It was true that he'd always loved the waves, but the ache in Dean's chest only got worse. Cas could remember his love for the ocean, for Gabriel, even for the Impala, but not for Dean. He watched while Cas splashed his feet in the water, sitting in the sand on top of the dune.

‘You're not joining me?’ Cas called.

Dean laughed. ‘All right.’ He took off his own socks and shoes, and waded into the water beside Cas. He wasn't as much of a fan of it as Cas was, but the water was cool, and gently lapped at his ankles.

Cas went out even further.

‘Hey, you get too wet, you're not allowed back in my car,’ Dean said, reaching out to him.

‘Oh, so wet things aren’t allowed in the Impala?’

‘Nope. No way.’

Before Dean could react, Cas had thrown water all over him. He wiped his eyes and gaped at Cas, who was doubled over with laughter.

‘Wet things aren’t allowed in your car, Dean,’ he laughed. ‘Looks like you’ll have to stay here.’

Slowly, Dean’s shock wore off and a grin spread across his face. ‘Oh, you’re dead meat.’ He splashed Cas back, and back and forth until they were both soaked and breathless.

Cas lay down in the water, so he was floating on his back and gazing up at the sky. He looked peaceful, and Dean was loathe to pull him out of it, but it was getting dark.

‘Come on,’ Dean said, pulling Cas’s arm. ‘We should get back to Hoagie.’

Cas sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. ‘All right,’ he said. He sat up and shook the water out of his hair, then followed Dean back to the Impala. ‘You should have known you couldn’t bring me to the beach and not get wet,’ he said.

Dean didn’t reply, he just opened the trunk, pulled out a couple of towels, and gave Cas a smug smile. He towelled himself down as best he could, and Cas did them same. ‘Gettin’ sand all in my car,’ he grumbled as they got back in, but he couldn’t stop smiling.

Hoagie whined indignantly when he smelled the beach on them.‘Next time,’ Dean said, crouching down to pet Hoagie.

They showered and ate, and soon, it was time for bed, though a little earlier than usual when Dean noticed that Cas’s eyelids were drooping as he was washing the dishes.

Going to bed was Dean’s favourite part of the day. With Cas asleep, Dean could admire him freely. The years hadn’t faded him at all, and though a lot had changed, he was still as gorgeous as he had been the day they met.

Sleeping in the same bed also gave Dean an excuse to hold Cas as they both slept, and for those early morning hours, the aching in his chest eased.

Though they had both been sleeping better recently, late that night, Dean stirred, and looked around blearily for what had woken him.

Cas was tossing and turning in his sleep.

‘Cas,’ Dean mumbled, shaking Cas’s arm. ‘You all right?’ Cas didn’t answer. ‘Cas?’

Hoagie growled sleepily from his cushion at the foot of his bed, and lifted his head.

‘Oh boy.’

Hoagie woke up a little more and growled louder.

‘Yeah, I got it,’ Dean said, rubbing his eyes.

Cas went rigid, then started to shake.

Dean rolled him onto his side, and kept him from falling out of the bed. ‘It’s all right,’ he whispered. He didn’t know whether or not Cas could hear him, but that didn’t stop him when Cas was in a coma, and it wouldn’t stop him now.

Just as the seizure was subsiding, a warm wetness spread out underneath them, and Dean groaned quietly. ‘Okay,’ he muttered. Once it was over, he shook Cas again. ‘Hey, you gotta wake up.’ It took a few tries, but eventually, he managed to wake Cas.

‘Dean,’ he mumbled.

‘Don’t be embarrassed,’ Dean said quickly. ‘Let’s get you out of these pajamas and into the shower, okay?’

Cas just groaned, his eyes barely open.

‘Do you want me to help you?’

Cas pushed himself up, swaying violently.

Dean steadied him by his shoulders, and could feel how limp he was. He watched as Cas attempted to unbutton his pajama shirt himself, but his fingers fumbled with the buttons, and his arm dropped back into his lap.

‘I’ll help you,’ Dean said, reaching out.

Cas weakly pushed Dean’s arm away, and Dean sighed.

‘I know it’s hard,’ Dean said, ‘but if it makes you feel any better, I’ve seen you naked like a gajillion times. There’s nothing you got that I ain’t seen.’

Cas leaned back against his pillows and nodded.

Dean got out of bed, grabbed a bathrobe from the closet, and went around to Cas’s side of the bed, ignoring the wet patch on his pants, and sat down in front of him. ‘Here.’ This time, Cas let him unbutton his shirt and pull it off of him. Then he lifted Cas up and eased off his pants, wrapping him in the bathrobe as soon as they were off. Cas was still extremely weak and couldn’t stand up, so Dean swept him up in his arms and carried him to the bathroom. It unnerved him how easy it was to lift Cas now, but it was the closest they had been with Cas awake, his arms draped around Dean’s neck, and his head buried in Dean’s shoulder.

Dean carefully lowered Cas to the floor of the bathroom, and propped him up against the wall next to the bath.

‘I’ll run you a bath,’ he said softly.

He dumped in some bubble bath, in the hope that it would at least make Cas feel better, and left Cas in the bathroom with Hoagie while he stripped the sheets on their bed, including the plastic mattress protector that he’d added at Sam’s suggestion. He pulled off his own pajamas and threw them on the pile, then put on another bathrobe. He carried the pile through the house and stuffed it all into the washing machine. He checked on Cas and the bath on his way back. The bath was almost ready, and Cas was still sitting against the wall. Dean thought he had fallen back asleep, until he noticed Cas’s hand gently patting Hoagie. Dean went back to the bedroom and redressed the bed with fresh sheets, then went back to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

He switched off the faucet, kneeling next to Cas. ‘Is it too hot?’ he asked.

Cas dangled his fingers in the water and shook his head.

‘Okay.’ Dean helped Cas to his feet. Cas seemed a little more alert now, but still very weak, so Dean held him up as he removed his bathrobe. ‘I’ve got you,’ he said as he lowered Cas into the bath.

Cas sighed once he was sitting down, his eyes still closed, and Dean allowed him a few minutes of relaxing in the warm water.

In some ways, Dean was almost glad that Cas couldn’t remember who he was before the accident. He couldn’t imagine how much more frustrated Cas would be, if he could remember how active he was before and how sharp his mind was. He could tell that Cas could feel it, but perhaps he would never know the full extent.

Dean leant over the bath a gently began washing Cas, sponging soap all over him.

‘Dean, why are you doing this?’ Cas mumbled, and Dean’s stomach twisted.

Dean bit back the emotion rising in his throat. ‘For better, for worse,’ he said. ‘In sickness and in health.’

Cas stared at him, his beautiful blue eyes immensely sad.

‘And because I love you,’ Dean said simply, not stopping his sponging.

Cas shook his head, but didn’t say anything else.

Dean finished washing him, helped him back out of the bath, and dried him of, rubbing him down with a fresh towel. He helped Cas back to the bedroom, not carrying him this time as he insisted on using his own feet. Cas put on a fresh set of pajamas himself, but let Dean tuck him back into bed.

‘You’re not coming?’ Cas whispered.

‘I’m just getting some water,’ Dean told him. ‘Go to sleep, I’ll be back soon.’ Dean wandered down the hallway to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and sat on the kitchen floor with it. He stared down at the glass, his longing for Cas tugging at him. He downed the water. As soon as he’d seen that first PET scan, he knew it wouldn’t be easy, if Cas woke up at all, but he could never have been prepared for how hard it would be; to see the face he’d woken up to every day for eleven years not recognise him at all; to see the love of his life lose bodily and cognitive function; to have to break the news about Gabriel for a second time. He stared down at the bottom of his empty glass, then glanced up at the drawer with his chips in. Maybe calling his sponsor wasn’t such a bad idea after all. He got up, grabbed his phone from the kitchen counter where he had been charging it, and dialled the number.

‘Hey, it’s me,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m sorry to call so late.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to Willowcat, Angela_Collins and liesje_86 for the comments!  
> Something a little different this time, I hope you guys enjoyed it. See you next time!


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight 

Cas woke up just as dawn broke and everything was still spinning. He groaned and rolled over. The previous night was no more than a vague memory of being in the bath, and Dean's gentle touch. His mouth was bone dry, so he slowly got to his feet, holding his head, and stumbled down the hallway. Hoagie followed close at his heels. He crossed into the kitchen, but stopped. There were low voices coming from the dining room; Dean's and another he didn't recognise. He rubbed his eyes and moved to the dining room door.

'Dean,' he groaned.

Dean was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, and a man next to him that Cas had never seen before. He had a round face and a beard.

'Cas,' Dean said, 'what are you doing up?'

'I- uh- I don't…' He looked between Dean and the man, and Dean sighed.

'Cas, this is Benny. Benny, Cas.' Dean introduced them without looking up.

'Benny,' Cas said, squinting at him. 'Have we met before?'

'I have not had that pleasure,' Benny said in a slow, Georgia drawl, smiling.

'Cas, why don't you go back to bed?' Dean said, an irritated note creeping into his voice.

'I- I came for…' He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to remember what he'd got up for.

'Cas, would you just-' Dean smacked a hand against the table and his legs bounced rapidly.

Cas stared at him. His harsh words stung.

'Allow me,' said Benny, getting up from the table. 'Don't you move,' he said firmly to Dean, before taking Cas’s arm.

'Wait, I wanted water,' said Cas, finally remembering and filling up a glass to take with him. 'Who are you?' he asked Benny as they walked.

'I'm Dean's sponsor.'

'I see.' Cas swallowed a mouthful of water. 'Thank you for helping him.'

'It's been my honour.'

'Is he- is he all right?'

'He will be, just give him some time.'

Cas sat down on the bed, Hoagie sitting dutifully at his feet. 'You must think I'm pathetic,' he said.

'Now don't you be coming out with stuff like that, I get enough of it from him. You've both been dealt a crappy hand, but that don't make either of you bad people.'

Cas shrugged and climbed back under the covers. 'Thank you, Benny.'

Benny left the room, and Cas dangled a hand down for Hoagie to sniff. Dean's tone of voice still echoed in his ears, so he pulled Hoagie into the bed for a hug, and slowly went back to sleep.

He woke to Dean shaking him awake, and he opened one eye. Dean was crouched next to his side of the bed, looking at him guiltily.

'Hey,' Dean murmured. 'You know, Hoagie's not allowed on the bed.'

Cas smiled. 'I thought I'd relax that rule, just this once.'

Hoagie popped his head out from under the blanket and sniffed Dean sleepily.

'I'm sorry,' Dean said. 'I didn't mean to snap at you.'

'I shouldn't have interrupted-'

'No. It's not your fault you were foggy.'

Cas sat up, and noticed the deep shadows under Dean’s eyes, and extra stubble covering his cheeks. 'This is so hard on you, Dean. What can I do to help you?'

Dean smiled. 'You're already doing everything you can.'

'Are you sure?'

Dean nodded. 'I'm sure. Come on, I made breakfast.'

'What are we having?'

'Pancakes,' Dean grinned.

Cas lowered Hoagie to the ground, then pushed himself up. He tripped on his way up, but Dean caught him.

‘Careful,’ Dean whispered, his hands firmly grasping Cas’s waist. He lingered for a moment, then turned away.

When Cas entered the dining room, he saw another vase of flowers sitting on the cabinet. A freshly cut bouquet of tulips shone in the morning sun.

They sat down together at the table, and Cas watched Dean for a while.

'Can I ask you about him?' Cas asked.

Dean looked up from his pancakes. 'What Benny?'

Cas nodded.

'Fire away.'

'Why haven't we met?'

Dean paused to eat some more pancakes. 'I prefer to keep that stuff separate from you. I don’t like you seeing me like that.'

'Why?'

Dean smiled sadly. 'You never saw me at my worst..'

'Was it bad?'

'It was bad.'

Cas could tell that Dean was getting uncomfortable with that line of questioning, so switched to another. 'You've known Benny longer than me?'

'Oh sure. When my mom died, I had Jody, and when I lost my dad too, there was Benny.'

'Were you and he ever…?'

'Me and Benny?' Dean laughed loudly. 'Definitely not. Never.'

'He seems like he could be your type.'

Dean laughed again. 'Oh, man, are you _jealous?'_

'He has a better beard than me.'

'Is that what you think I look for?'

Cas shrugged.

'Listen, you got nothing to worry about, trust me. Besides, I'm definitely not _his_ type.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah, I think his wife and kids would have something to say about it.'

Cas smiled, but felt a faint pang in his chest.

Dean didn't notice, still chuckling at the thought of him and Benny.

Cas grabbed one of the many notebooks he had strewn about the house, and wrote another question. He would have to reorganise the list.

'What do you write in those?' Dean asked curiously.

Cas shrugged. 'Thoughts and ideas I want to remember.'

Dean wore a smile for the rest of the morning, before going to work.

Cas wandered around the garden for a while that afternoon, and started pulling some weeds. He was soon overwhelmed though, and just as Dean came home, he settled down at the kitchen table with the fourth _Harry Potter_ book.

'Burgers?' Dean called from the kitchen, once he had cleaned himself up.

'Mm,' Cas said distractedly. He had read half of the first chapter, but was struggling to connect names and events. Then, another chapter in, he realised that he couldn't remember what had happened in the previous books. Frustration boiled over and he threw the book on the ground. 'Damn it,' he muttered, holding his head in his hands.

'What happened?' Dean said in alarm, having heard the loud bang. 'What's wrong?' He poked his head around the door and saw the book on the floor.

Cas shook his head. 'I'm broken.'

Dean looked aghast, dragged a chair over next to him, and sit down. 'No, Cas...'

'It wasn't like this before,'Cas said through his fingers. 'It's like - it's like things keep falling out of my head.'

Dean rubbed his back. 'You haven't had many sessions with Penny yet,' he said softly. 'We can work it out.'

Cas shook his head again. 'I don't think this is something you can just work out, Dean.'

'It's gonna be okay,' said Dean. 'Just bring it up with Penny next time, and she'll help you. That's what she's there for.' Dean waited for Cas to respond, but he didn't say anything, so Dean aimed for distraction rather than comfort. ‘I got a message from your doctor today. He says he spoke with the staff on your ward, and they agreed to let you visit.’

Cas finally looked up. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah,’ Dean smiled. ‘There are still some kids who’re long-term patients who know you, and they’d love to have you visit.’

Cas looked doubtful. ‘They won’t be upset that I don’t know them?’

‘They said that the kids understood well enough,’ Dean said. ‘It’s up to you, but if you do want to go, I’m gonna be with you the whole time, and I want you to let me know how you’re feeling, okay?’

‘Should I be worried?’

‘No, no. It’s just, you spent a whole lot of time there, and we don’t know what might come up, if anything.’

‘I understand.’

‘So, do you want to go?’

‘Yes. I really want to go.’

Dean smiled again, and bent to pick up Cas’s book. ‘You’re not broken, Cas,’ he said, placing it gently on the table. ‘Things are just a little harder now, that’s all.’

Cas sighed and pushed the book away. ‘You’d better get back into the kitchen,’ he said, ‘you’ll burn the burgers.’

Dean jumped to his feet and ran back through the kitchen door.

  


Cas sat in the car outside the hospital the next afternoon, rubbing his hands together nervously.

‘You ready?’ Dean said, unbuckling his seatbelt.

Cas took a deep breath and nodded, then got out of the car.

Dean led him to the children’s ward, and all the nurses met them outside the doors.

They all crowded in to give Cas a hug. Many of them had tears in their eyes when they pulled away.

‘You don’t recognise any of us, do you?’ one of them asked.

Cas looked at the floor.

‘It’s okay, let’s go in. The kids are dying to see you, come on.’

The walked through the ward, and Cas felt a flicker of recognition as they passed the nurses’ station. There were lots of adults milling around, presumably the parents of some of the patients, but they passed by them too. They went round a gentle curve in the hallway, and met a small, bald boy, walking around with his IVs.

The boy gasped loudly when he saw Cas, turned on his heel, and hurried back down the corridor. They heard him open a door and shout, ‘Guys, he’s here!’, then several more excited gasps and shouts.

The sound of pattering feet and IV poles rolling along on their wheels came down the hall, and six children of varying ages all smiled up at Cas.

'Come on, we want to show you something!' a little girl of about ten said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along with her.

'Oh, okay.'

She dragged him to a large playroom, where a few more kids were waiting. All of them were sickly-looking, but all of them gave Cas huge smiles when he came in.

'Nurse Hannah told us that you hurt your head,' the girl said. She seemed to be in charge.

'Yes, that's right.'

'She said you wouldn't remember us, so we made name tags, so you could see our names.' She pointed at her chest, where she wore a sticker that said 'Daisy' on it, with a drawing of the flower.

Cas looked around and noticed that they all had stickers.

'The children all wanted to help you with your memory,' the nurse that had accompanied them prompted. 'They were working on it all day yesterday.'

The girl hurried around the edge of the room, where there were rows of plastic drawers, and yanked out a stack of papers. 'Come sit,' she said, waving Cas over to the table in the middle.

Cas looked at Dean uncertainly.

'Go on,' Dean murmured. 'I'm right here.'

Cas moved into the room, and Dean and the nurse remained standing in the doorway.

'What have we got here?' Cas said, sitting at the table. All the other children crowded around as best they could with all their apparatus.

Daisy spread the papers out so Cas could see. 'We drew pictures,' she explained, 'so you can see when you helped us, even if you can't remember. See, this one's me.' She passed Cas a picture, in which she was lying in a bed and Cas was standing beside it. 'This is the first time I had to have a blood test and I was sad, that's why there's a tear there.' She poked the picture. 'And that's you. You made me laugh and I didn't even really feel the blood coming out.'

'This is very good,' Cas said. He held up the drawing. Though it was not much more than a couple of stick figures, he could clearly see his own dark hair and blue eyes, as well as the scrubs he would have been wearing.

'And this one's of you and Kyle. Kyle drew it,' Daisy said.

'That's when you were putting in my tube,' the boy they had first seen grinned.

All the kids showed him the pictures they had drawn.

'Wow,' Cas whispered. He cleared his throat, emotion rising in his chest. 'May I keep these?' he asked them.

There was a resounding agreement from all of the kids, so Cas stacked them back up neatly, biting his lip to stop himself from crying.

'Cas, you okay?' Dean said from the doorway.

Cas wiped his eyes, nodding.

'Who's that, Nurse Cas?' Daisy asked.

'That's Dean,' Cas told her, and her mouth dropped open.

' _That's_ Dean?' she said, gaping at him.

'I've told you about him?'

'Uh-huh.' Daisy turned to the other children. 'Should we give it to him?'

'Give what to him?' Cas said, but they stopped paying attention to him, and Daisy ran to the drawers again.

'We made Dean a present,' Daisy said, 'but he never came to get it so we've been keeping it safe for him.'

'A present?'

'Yeah. Dean, come here.'

Dean glanced at the nurse, who waved him through, and knelt down next to Cas.

'When Nurse Hannah told us Nurse Cas was sick, we wanted to come and take care of him,' Daisy said, putting a battered cardboard box in front of Dean. 'But she said that you were taking care of him, and since Nurse Cas told us you're the best husband in the whole world, we wanted to make you something for helping him for us.'

Cas felt his cheeks warm.

'Something extra special,' Kyle added.

'Open it, open it,' Daisy said excitedly.

Dean lifted the lid of the box and lifted out a handmade medal, made of several lengths of ribbon and a piece of cardboard cut into a rough circle. The cardboard had been painted gold, and the words ‘#1 husband’ had been written on it.

‘What!’ Dean exclaimed. ‘This is awesome!’ He showed it to Cas with a huge smile.

Cas smiled back and carefully placed it around Dean’s neck.

‘He’s dreamy,’ one of the girls whispered to Cas, and all the girls giggled.

‘I agree,’ Cas whispered back, but loud enough that Dean could hear.

‘Nurse Cas, can I ask a question?’ another of the boys said, putting his hand in the air.

‘Of course you can… George,’ Cas said, squinting at his sticker.

‘Does your head still hurt?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘Can you feel where you hit it on the outside?’

‘I’ve never tried,’ Cas frowned. He reached up with a hand, but couldn’t remember where the injury had been. ‘Dean?’

‘Here.’ Dean moved Cas’s hand to a spot above his right ear. ‘Feel anything?’

‘No.’ He smiled at George’s disappointed look.

‘You should still have a scar from where they had to drain your skull, though,’ Dean said, and George’s face lit up.

‘Can we see it?’

‘Sure,’ Cas said. ‘I don’t know where it is though.’

‘Oh, it’s just here.’ Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair, looking for the small, round scar. ‘Hang on, you got a lot of hair.’

Cas sighed deeply, enjoying the sensation while Dean searched.

‘Here it is.’ Dean moved Cas’s hand a few inches behind the fracture, and Cas felt a small dent under his fingers.

‘That’s very strange,’ Cas said.

‘It looks just like mine, see!’ Daisy parted the hair on the back of her head to show him.

‘That’s so cool,’ said George.

‘Nurse Cas, are you coming back soon?’

Cas’s heart sank, but he smiled warmly at Kyle. ‘I don’t know. My brain still isn’t working very well.’

‘Will it get better?’

‘I hope so.’

‘Is Mister Dean taking good care of you?’ Daisy asked.

Cas chuckled and looked up at Dean. ‘Yes, he’s taking very good care of me.’ Cas felt the odd dent in his skull again and shivered. Suddenly, his stomach churned, and a metallic taste coated his tongue. ‘Dean,’ he murmured, ‘I don’t feel so good.’

‘You need to lie down?’

Cas nodded, his heart racing. ‘Don’t let them see,’ he whispered.

‘I got you.’ Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him up. ‘Don’t worry kids, we’ll be right back. Me and Nurse Cas gotta take care of something a minute.’

Cas struggled around the side of the table. ‘Don’t let them see,’ he repeated.

  


When Cas woke up, he was half sitting, half leaning against something soft. He didn’t feel like opening his eyes just yet, but he realised the something soft was moving, gently breathing in and out. Then he heard some muffled giggles and smiled.

‘I can hear lots of little giggly people,’ he said, and the giggles turned to laughter. Cas opened his eyes and found himself lying on a hospital bed in a private room, and the soft thing was Dean. He adjusted himself, but Dean’s arm around him stayed in place. ‘They didn’t see?’ Cas whispered in Dean’s ear.

Dean shook his head.

‘Are you still sick, Nurse Cas?’ Daisy asked.

‘A little,’ Cas said, rubbing his head. He thought hard for a way to explain it. ‘Have any of you seen when the lights flicker on and off?’

They all nodded.

‘It’s like that, but in my brain. It makes me really tired.’

‘Is it ‘cause you hit it so hard?’

Cas nodded again. ‘Is there any water?’ he asked Dean.

‘Right here.’ Dean passed him a plastic cup, which he drained. Dean looked around at all the kids, and at Cas’s slightly unfocused eyes, and decided to take over the conversation. ‘I have a question for you guys,’ he said. ‘What’s the best thing Nurse Cas does?’

‘Oh, oh, I know!’ Daisy exclaimed. ‘He brings us snacks sometimes, even when we’re not really supposed to have candy, he brings us some.’

‘Does he really?’ Dean grinned. ‘What else?’

‘I like - I like when he - he starts and checks on everyone before he does any of his work,’ George said.

‘My favourite thing is how he’s always on our side,’ Kyle said, adjusting his IV pole. ‘Remember when he got Nurse Naomi fired?’

All the kids nodded in agreement.

‘Oh yeah, Nurse Naomi,’ Dean chuckled. ‘I know all about her. God you hated that b- ad nurse.’

‘Nurse Naomi?’ Cas asked, feeling a little more alert.

‘She was so mean,’ Kyle told him. ‘She made Alfie cry, so you fired her. That was when you were in charge of the whole ward.’

‘The whole ward?’ Cas said, surprised.

‘You were a charge nurse,’ Dean smiled proudly. ‘You made all the schedules, assigned nurses to patients, stuff like that.’

‘Wow,’ Cas said. ‘Was I good?’

‘You’re the best!’ Daisy said.

‘Who does all that now?’

‘Nurse Hannah,’ said Kyle. ‘She’s good too.’

‘I have one,’ a blonde girl spoke up from behind the rest. ‘My favourite thing about Nurse Cas is how he reads us a bedtime story if he’s here at night.’

All the kids made noises of agreement.

‘I didn’t know he did that,’ Dean said.

‘Yeah, he reads a story to all the kids in their own rooms,’ Daisy said, ‘and then he gets a chair and sits in the middle of the ward so everyone can hear him.’

Cas put his hand over his mouth to choke back a sob.

‘Cas?’ Dean said, holding him closer.

Cas shook his head.

The nurse that had been accompanying them spoke up from the doorway. ‘Come on, kids,’ she said. ‘Time to go. You’ve all got treatment this afternoon.’

The kids all complained loudly.

‘Will you come back soon, Nurse Cas?’ Daisy asked.

Cas nodded, but still couldn’t say anything.

The nurse herded all the children out of the room, and threw Cas a brief, mournful look.

‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ Dean asked as soon as they were gone.

‘I - I don’t know,’ Cas choked. ‘It hurts.’

‘What hurts?’ Dean adjusted them both so Cas was looking at him, tears streaking his face. ‘Look at me,’ he said, holding Cas’s chin. ‘What hurts?’

‘Them,’ said Cas, nodding at the door. ‘I don’t know why.’

Dean wiped Cas’s face. ‘You care about them. Your life was here.’

Cas leant on Dean’s shoulder. He knew Dean was trying to help, but the suppressed bitterness in his voice only made things worse. ‘I’m sorry,’ Cas wept. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ Dean whispered.

‘I want to go home now.’

Dean nodded. ‘Okay, we can go.’

Cas sniffed and struggled to regain control of himself before walking back through the ward. A few of the kids waved to him as they left, and he forced himself to smile and wave back.

The nurse that had been helping them followed them just outside the door.

‘Castiel, are you all right?’ she asked.

‘Castiel?’ said Cas. ‘Is that what you call me… uh…’

‘Hannah. Yes, I feel it’s more appropriate for a professional setting.’

‘Oh, you’re Hannah? The children seem to like you.’

Hannah smiled. ‘They always liked you the most. You left large shoes to fill.’

‘Hannah, are we friends?’ Cas asked.

Hannah’s eyebrows rose. ‘We had a good relationship as superior and subordinate, if that’s what you mean.’

‘No, not really.’

‘You’re different now,’ Hannah commented. ‘Though I suppose a head injury will do that to a person.’

‘Right.’

They stood in an awkward silence until Dean cleared his throat.

‘It was good to see you, Castiel,’ Hannah said. ‘You should go home and rest.’

‘Thank you for today, Hannah,’ said Cas. ‘Perhaps I could visit again.’

‘Of course.’ Hannah smiled again, and turned back onto the ward.

‘Come on,’ Dean said quietly.

Once back in the car, Cas broke down again, his head in his arms, leaning on the dashboard.

‘Talk to me,’ Dean said, rubbing his back. ‘You promised.’

‘I don’t know,’ said Cas, his voice muffled by his arms. ‘I’m sad, and frustrated. I remember being there, but I wish more than anything it were being with you instead.’

‘I know you do.’

‘It’s not enough.’

‘Yes it is,’ Dean said firmly.

‘What?’ Cas said, looking up.

‘It’s enough that you’re trying. It’s enough that you’re wishing.’

Cas shook his head. ‘I don’t understand why the ward made me so upset.’

Dean sighed and bit his lip, then started the car. ‘Let’s just go.’ He drove them away from the hospital. ‘So…’ he said finally, smiling slightly. ‘You think I’m dreamy?’

Cas gave a watery chuckle. ‘I lost my memory, Dean, I didn’t go blind.’ He sniffed hard, rubbing his face.

‘Still got it,’ Dean grinned, steering the car smoothly around a corner.

Cas glanced at Dean. ‘Dean?’ he said hesitantly.

‘Yeah?’

‘I liked what you were doing with my hair earlier,’ he stammered. ‘You could do that again sometime, if you wanted to.’

Dean looked over at him. ‘I think I can make that happen,’ he said warmly.

Cas leaned back in his seat, struggling to process all of his emotions.

‘I think you need a nap,’ Dean said, as though reading Cas’s mind.

Cas nodded. ‘You’re right.’

When they got inside, Cas headed straight for his chair. His thoughts were still swirling, so he pulled a blanket over himself and pushed everything away but the feeling of Dean’s fingers in his hair.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Apologies for taking so long due to some technical issues. My laptop is getting on a bit so please be patient with her :L Thanks to Missginnyw and liesje_86 for the comments, and I'll see you all next time!


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

 

Cas bolted upright in bed, desperately fighting for breath. In the week following his visit to the ward, he had been plagued with nightmares, most of which he hardly remembered when he woke. This time it had been particularly vivid, and he dreamed he was back in his hospital bed, still hooked up to a ventilator.

Dean jolted awake and looked at him blearily. ‘Cas?’ he mumbled.

‘Can’t - breathe -’ Cas gasped. He just couldn’t seem to take in enough air.

‘Hey, hey,’ Dean said softly, reaching over and gently rubbing his chest. ‘It was just a dream.’ But Cas continued to struggle, so Dean sat up properly to help him. He placed a firm hand on Cas’s chest, and the other on his back, then pushed him gently forwards so he was leaning on Dean’s hand. ‘I’ve got you,’ he said. ‘Just breathe… that’s it.’ It worked as he had hoped, slowing Cas’s breathing to a regular rate. ‘That was a tough one, huh,’ he said sympathetically.

Cas leaned back against his pillows, his hands clasped together to stop them shaking. ‘Were they this bad before?’ he asked.

‘Sometimes.’

‘Did anything make them go away?’

‘Not really.’

Cas sighed. ‘Great.’

Dean glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost time to get up, but Cas was already sinking back into the bed, so Dean tucked the blanket around him and carefully extricated himself from the bed.

Cas slept lightly but comfortably for the next few hours, until the sun was up. He felt the warmth on his face, but it was the smell of cooking that awakened him fully.

Dean came into the bedroom with a tray.

‘Breakfast in bed?’ Cas smiled, sitting up properly. ‘What have I done to deserve this?’

‘Nothing, just felt like a breakfast in bed kinda morning,’ Dean said brightly. He sat opposite Cas on the bed and shared the eggs and bacon with him. 

Cas ate quietly, glancing at Dean every so often. He couldn’t help but notice the bags under Dean’s eyes, and that he was staring intently into his coffee. ‘Are you all right, Dean?’ he asked. ‘Are you sleeping well?’

Dean looked up. ‘Of course I am.’

‘But?’

Dean chuckled. ‘But I wanted to talk to you about something.’

‘Okay.’

Dean swallowed another mouthful of eggs before speaking again. ‘I was asking round the village,’ he said slowly, ‘but no one’s seen you.’

Cas bit his lip. He hadn’t been able to work up the courage to venture past their long driveway.

‘What are you scared of?’ Dean asked.

‘I - uh - I’m afraid of getting lost,’ Cas confessed, ‘or having a seizure in the road, or somewhere no one can see me.’

Dean nodded. ‘I get it, I can see why that’s scary.’

‘It is rather daunting, yes. Sorry.’

‘No, it’s my fault, I should have thought about it,’ Dean said, sipping his coffee. ‘All right, a suggestion then.’

‘Go on.’

‘I have the afternoon off, so why don’t I take you for a walk and show you around?’

Cas smiled. ‘That sounds good.’

‘Okay then. I gotta go, but I’ll see you later.’ Dean got up and left Cas the remainder of their breakfast.

Cas still didn’t know which clothes were his and which were Dean’s, and usually just reached into the wardrobe for anything that fit. That afternoon was the same, and Cas pulled out a green jacket while he was waiting for Dean.

There was a knock at the bedroom door, which Cas went to answer, and found Dean standing outside holding a single, huge sunflower.

‘Afternoon,’ Dean grinned. 

Cas laughed. ‘Where did you get a sunflower at this time of year?’

‘I have my ways. You ready to go?’

‘Yes, just let me put this in some water.’ Cas put it in the vase on the dining room cabinet, clipped Hoagie into his harness and leash, and followed Dean outside.

When they got to the end of the driveway, Cas stopped, staring out at the road apprehensively.

‘Take your time,’ Dean said, standing beside him.

Cas gripped Hoagie’s leash tightly and took a shaky breath. ‘Dean…?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Would it be all right if I held your hand?’

'Of course.'

Cas slipped his hand into Dean's and squeezed. His fingers were rough and calloused, but they fit so well in Cas’s hand, it was as though they had always belonged there. 

So with Hoagie's leash in one hand and Dean in the other, Cas took a step forward. 

Dean led the way, turning right at the end of the driveway and down a steep hill, then right again at the bottom. 

The road opened out onto a large square, lined all the way around with sidewalk, and cars parked along them. There was a huge patch of grass in the middle, where children and several dogs were playing, while their parents watched from the benches scattered around it. Hoagie strained against his leash. 

'You okay?' Dean asked. 

Cas didn't realise he'd stopped walking, but nodded. A few people waved to them, and Cas waved back uncertainly. 'Do we know all these people?' asked Cas. 

Dean grinned. 'Sure. We were their first - uh -  _ gay  _ couple and when we moved in, they made a big deal out of letting us know that it's not a big deal.'

'Really? That's nice of them.'

'They got a bit too excited, honestly. They threw us a huge barbecue on the green over there. It was a little embarrassing, but I'd rather that than if they were the other way inclined.'

Cas nodded thoughtfully and allowed Dean to keep them moving. 

They were passing a small grocery store, when a short, blonde woman came out and hugged Dean. 

'It's so good to see you both!' she exclaimed, hugging Cas as well. 

'Cas, this is Belle, she owns this shop here,' Dean said. 

'Oh, of course, I'm so sorry!' Belle said, clapping a hand to her mouth. 

'It's fine,' Cas mumbled. 

'Listen, anything you need, I'm right here. You can call in any time.'

'Thanks, Belle,' Dean smiled. ‘We’re taking a walk, but I’ll be back for those tomatoes.’

‘I look forward to it,’ Belle called as they walked away.

‘Tomatoes?’ Cas asked.

‘Yeah, I’m making pizza tonight, you in?’

‘Absolutely. I love your pizza.’

Dean looked at him, surprised. ‘You do?’

‘Yes, it’s delicious.’

Dean turned pink and grinned. ‘Only ‘cause the dough you make is so good.’

‘I make pizza dough?’

‘Yeah…’ Dean said slowly. ‘Yeah, I’m sure you still could. You want to give it a shot today? I’ll help.’

‘All right, I could try it,’ Cas smiled.

Dean grinned again, squeezing Cas’s hand again, then led him to the other side of the square and along the road leading out.

‘There’s a park just up here,’ Dean said, pointing further down the road, ‘and your gym is just over there.’

‘This village has a gym?’ Cas said, taken aback.

‘A small one,’ said Dean. ‘The elderly gotta exercise too.’

‘Who’re you calling elderly?’

‘You, obviously,’ Dean teased, nudging him. ‘Maybe you could think about going back sometime.’

Cas shrugged. ‘I can’t. I don’t feel comfortable without you or Hoagie, and I doubt they would allow him inside.’

‘Hmm.’ 

They crossed the road and doubled back towards the village square. Dean pointed at the road leading off the other side of the square.

‘That road leads to the Village Hall, and then the beach further on.’

Cas nodded.

‘You think you can remember all that?’ Dean asked.

‘I suppose we’ll see.’

‘Come on, let’s sit down.’

They stepped over onto the green and sat down on one of the benches. 

Hoagie quivered in excitement as he watched the other dogs playing.

‘If you want, you can let him off the leash,’ Dean said gently.

Cas tightened his grip on the leash. ‘I - I don’t know. I want him to play, but…’

‘It’s okay, you don’t have to. But if you did let him off, I’d still be here.’

Cas pressed his lips together, then reached down. He hesitated for a moment, but unclipped the leash and watched Hoagie race off to play with the other dogs. Cas clutched Dean’s hand, feeling exposed without Hoagie.

‘It’s okay,’ Dean said again. ‘He’s really well trained, watch this- Hoagie, come here!’ He followed it with a whistle and Hoagie immediately scampered back over to them. ‘See? Good boy.’ Dean fed him a treat from his pocket and sent him running back to the other dogs. 

They sat quietly, watching the kids playing with the dogs while Cas calmed down.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Dean asked eventually. 

‘That nurse on the ward,’ Cas said. ‘What was her name, Hannah?’

‘Yeah.’

‘She was… strange.’

Dean shrugged noncommittally.

‘Was I like her?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She seemed very rigid.’

Dean laughed. ‘You weren’t really like her. You were really,  _ really  _ professional, but you had to be. To keep the kids safe, you know? I mean, sometimes you were a little… well, we called it your Castiel voice.’

‘My what?’ Cas said, relaxing enough to chuckle a little. ‘Did I ever use it on you?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘I’m sorry.’

Dean bit his lip. ‘Well, I kinda liked it.’

It was Cas’s turn to blush and they both dissolved into laughter. Cas loosened his grip on Dean’s hand. ‘Thank you for helping me, Dean.’

‘No need to thank me. I’m the best, it’s what I do.’

Cas laughed again, but it was cut short by a yell from across the green. 

A man and a woman had been sitting on a bench opposite them, but the man was now limp and the woman shaking him by the shoulders.

Cas leapt to his feet and sprinted across the green. ‘What’s his name?’ Cas asked the woman.

‘Tom,’ she whimpered. ‘His name’s Tom.’

Cas grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. ‘Tom, can you hear me?’ he said loudly, but Tom didn’t respond. 'Help me get him down.' He and the woman dragged Tom to the ground and Cas knelt beside him. He pressed and ear to the man's lips, but didn't hear any breathing. 'Dean, call an ambulance,' Cas said as Dean ran over. 'What's your name?' Cas said to the woman, positioning himself over Tom, hands clasped on his chest. 

'Rachel.'

'All right, Rachel, I'm going to start CPR on Tom now, and I need you to stay calm. Can you do that for me?' 

She nodded, tears in her eyes. 

Cas tilted Tom's head back and started compressions. He heard Dean talking but focused only on keeping count under his breath. 'Come on, Tom,' he muttered after a few cycles. 'Breathe for me, Tom.' At last, Cas heard a quiet gasp from Tom and stopped to listen. Seconds that felt like hours passed, but finally, Cas was satisfied that he was breathing steadily. Cas rolled him into the recovery position, and watched him like a hawk until the paramedics arrived with blaring sirens. 

Tom still wasn't conscious when they loaded him into the back of the ambulance, but Cas let the paramedics take over and stepped away to let Rachel clamber in after them. 

The ambulance peeled away and Cas sat heavily on the grass. 

'That was amazing,' Dean said, sitting in front of him. 

Cas shrugged. 

'Hey, what's up?' 

Cas looked the way the ambulance had gone and Dean followed his gaze. 

'I'm sure he's gonna be fine,' said Dean, taking hold of Cas’s hand again. 'You brought him back, you did it.' 

Cas pulled his hand away. 'It doesn't feel right.'

'In what way?' Dean whistled for Hoagie and clipped him back onto the leash for Cas. 

Cas didn't answer, searching for the right words. 'I did that all on instinct.'

'Yeah, it was awesome.'

'Dean, you don't understand. I don't remember any of my medical training at all. What if I did something wrong? What if I hurt him? 

'But you didn't.'

'But I could have, and I wouldn't have known.'

'It's okay, Cas-' 

'No, it isn't. Stop saying it's okay,' Cas snapped. 

'Cas…' 

Cas thought of all the children on the ward. 'I - I don't think I can go back to work, Dean.'

'Why not?' Dean spluttered. 

'I can't risk getting it wrong. Not with the children.'

'I get it, but you shouldn't make such a big decision so quick. Maybe you could do your training again.'

Cas shook his head, sighing. 'I can barely keep the day of the week in my head, let alone full nursing training.'

'Okay, look, talk to Penny tomorrow and see what she says. Maybe she can help you come up with a way to redo your training.'

Cas was about to make a comment about Penny not being a miracle worker, but he looked up and saw Dean's earnest expression, and changed his mind. 'All right.'

Dean smiled on relief. 'All right, then. Wait here, I gotta go get those tomatoes from Belle. You still want that pizza, right?' 

Cas nodded and Dean got to his feet. 

As soon as he was gone, however, Hoagie whined at Cas, ears pricking up. 

'What?' Cas said, scratching the top of his head. 

Hoagie barked, and Cas understood as a fuzzy feeling filled his head. He groaned loudly, and Hoagie barked more. Dean had already disappeared inside the store, so all Cas could do was lie down and wait for it to pass. 

The first thing he felt as he came around was Dean softly stroking his hair. He struggled to pull himself together and groaned as he shifted on the hard ground. 

'Relax,' Dean said. 'You're okay.'

He tried to push himself up, but swayed violently, and fell back down. 'I'm not having much luck today.'

'I'll get you an appointment with the epilepsy woman and get you some new meds.'

'No,' said Cas. 

'No?' 

'These ones aren't so bad,' Cas mumbled, rolling onto his back. 'I've gained weight and I don't want to risk losing it if I react badly to new medication.'

'Well, if you're sure…' 

Cas pushed himself up again. 

'You don't need to rush,' Dean said, holding him up. 

'People are looking.' 

'No one's looking.'

But Cas ignored him, this time making it all the way to his feet, though holding onto Dean tightly. 

'Come on, man, you can't make it back up the hill like this.'

'I don't want to stay here.' Cas took a couple of steps, but he was so drained, he couldn't go any further. 'Damn it,' Cas muttered. 

'Just sit down,' Dean said firmly, helping Cas over to the nearest bench. 

Cas slumped down into it, pulling the green jacket more tightly around himself. 

'Are you cold?' Dean asked, stroking Cas’s hair again. 

Cas nodded, allowing his eyes to close. 

'You look good in my jacket.'

Cas smiled. 'I thought so too.' He drifted off, head on Dean's shoulder. 

Eventually, Hoagie got bored and pawed at his leg and woke him up. 

Cas rubbed his face. To his surprise, he saw that Dean's eyes were closed and that he was snoring softly. 

'Dean?' he murmured, shaking Dean gently. 

'Mmm?' Dean stretched out all his limbs. 

'Are you sleeping?' 

'Well, if you were gonna nap outside, I thought I'd give it a try.' He gave Cas a sleepy grin. 'You feeling better?' 

'Yes.'

‘All right, let’s go then.’

By the time they made it up the hill and back to the house, Cas’s energy waned, so he napped in his recliner while Dean made their pizza.

He didn’t say much while they were eating, replaying the events of the afternoon in his head over and over again. He could barely think of anything else by the time he arrived at his appointment with Penny the next day.

 

He sat in the seat opposite Penny, chewing a fingernail and staring into space.

‘Cas?’ Penny prompted.

Cas frowned. ‘Would you consider me to be disabled?’ he asked.

Penny’s eyebrows twitched upwards in surprise. She was quiet for a moment, then said, ‘Would you consider yourself disabled?’

Cas sighed. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘If this were someone else in my position, I wouldn’t hesitate in that assessment.’

‘So what’s causing this hesitation?’

‘I think - it’s hard to describe… I don’t have any real memories, but I had a - a perception of myself, I suppose.’

‘And this perception doesn’t line up.’

‘No.’

Penny regarded him closely. ‘What would it mean to you if you were disabled?’

Cas ignored the question. ‘I’m considering leaving work permanently,’ he said.

‘That’s a big step,’ Penny said, writing in her notepad.

‘I would like your opinion.’

Penny nodded. ‘In my professional opinion, I believe that not returning to work would be beneficial to your mental health, and free up some energy to work on your physical health too.’

‘I don’t think it’s been affecting me that much. I’ve only been back once.’

‘Yes, but it did trigger your latest spell of nightmares and insomnia.’

‘That’s true.’

Penny wrote in her notebook some more. ‘It seems to me, you already made up your mind before you came in here, so what’s holding you back?’

‘I’m worried about Dean.’

‘I see…’ Penny closed her notebook and looked Cas in the face. ‘Cas, sometimes you have to focus on yourself before you can help others, do you understand?’

‘Yes.’ 

Penny glanced at the clock. ‘We’re almost out of time, was there anything else you wanted to discuss?’

‘Oh, there was one thing,’ said Cas. ‘I’m having trouble remembering what happens in the books I read.’

Penny smiled. ‘There’s no shame in writing things down, Cas. Next time you’re reading, keep a notebook nearby and write it down.’

‘You think that’ll help?’

'Has it been helping so far?' 

'A little.'

'Then it might be worth trying. Sticky tabs could be useful too, to mark important events in the book.'

'All right, I'll try it,' said Cas. 'Thank you, Penny.'

'See you soon, Cas.'

 

Dean was waiting for him outside, asleep in a chair with a magazine folded open on his chest.

Cas knelt down in front of him and placed a hand on his knee. 

'I'm awake,' Dean grumbled. He looked at Cas and sighed. 'You decided, then.'

'Penny agrees with me,' Cas said. 'I'm sorry.'

'No, look, I get it. If you think it's the best thing to do, then I'm on board. Really.' But he couldn't hide the doubt on his face. 'Come on, I'll drop you home.'

'Are you sure you're all right to work?' Cas asked, standing as Dean did. 'You seem very tired.'

'I'm fine, don't worry about me.'

'If you say so.'

 

Dean drove them to the top of the long driveway. 

'You good here?' he asked. 

'Yes.' Cas got out of the car. 

'See you later, then.' Dean pulled away, leaving Cas standing alone.

He wandered down the driveway and stopped at the top of the track that led down to their house. 

Jody's house was just to the left, so Cas went over and knocked on the door. 

'Cas!' she gasped as she opened the door. 'Come on in!' 

Cas followed her inside the cosy house and sat him at the dining room table. 

'Make yourself at home, I'll get coffee.'

Cas waited patiently while Jody clattered around the kitchen, and heard someone else coming down the hallway. 

A dark-haired women came into the room, but stopped when she saw him. 

'Hey, Cas,' she said, and Cas recognised her as Alex. 

'Hello, Alex,' he smiled. 

She gave him a small smile in response. 'It's good to see you,' she said. 

'Here you go,' said Jody, coming in with two cups of coffee. 'Hey, Alex.'

'Hi, Jody,' she said as she walked through and carried on upstairs. 

'So, what's up?' Jody asked Cas once they were gone. 

Cas took a sip of his coffee. 'I'm not going back to work and I think Dean's upset.' 

'Oh, honey…' Jody reached over and squeezed his hand. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be, it's better this way,' Cas said. 'But I was wondering if you could help me with something.'

'Of course, anything.'

Cas hesitated, suddenly nervous. 'I want to do something nice for Dean - to show him that everything is okay - but I don't know what he likes.'

Jody thought about it. 'He's at work this afternoon, right?' 

Cas nodded. 

'Well, why don't you make him dinner? I'll help you,' she added at his doubtful expression. 'He's a simple guy, he'd love some homemade burgers.'

'I - all right.'

Jody let him finish his coffee, then got up and led him back outside. 'Bye, Alex,' she called up the stairs. 

'Bye, Jody,' she called back. 

'Does Alex live with you?' Cas asked, as they wandered down the driveway. 

'Yeah, she likes the quiet. A lot like you, in that way.'

'We must have been good friends.'

'Yeah, but you both were busy with work, so it's been a while since you caught up. That was before the accident, of course.'

'I hope she's not upset with me.'

'Honey, of course she isn't,' Jody smiled. 'She understands just as well as the rest of us.'

They walked into the house and Hoagie jumped excitedly at Jody. 

Cas watched her while she went through the cupboards and the fridge. 

'Awesome, got everything we need,' she said, straightening up. 'Let's start with the burger meat.' 

She pulled out some meat and dumped it all in a bowl for Cas. 'Wash your hands and come mix this up.'

Cas did as he was told, scrubbing his hands, then sticking them in the bowl with the meat, salt, pepper, and herbs. 

'That's it,' Jody said encouragingly. 'Now we can cover that up and put it in the fridge for now, he won't be back for a few hours.'

Cas put the bowl of meat away, and they started on the fries. 

He peeled and chopped potatoes, while Jody supervised, and they stopped for a cup of coffee once the potatoes were done. 

'How are you feeling, Cas?' Jody asked. 

Cas blinked, surprised. 'I'm worried about Dean,' he said. 'I don't think he's taking it very well.'

'Do you feel like you made the right decision?' 

'I do.'

'Then he'll come around, trust me,' Jody smiled. 'You were always the more decisive one, it just takes him a minute to adjust.' 

Cas nodded. 

They finished their coffee and Jody helped Cas set up the table, patiently watching him mess with the tablecloth and candlesticks. 

'So is it the actual cooking that worries you?' Jody asked as they started on the fries. 

'It's easier when there's someone here to remind me I'm cooking something.'

'That's fair.'

It went well until Cas got distracted by a calendar in the living room and Jody had to save the burger patties. 

All that was left to do by the time Dean arrived home was put the burgers together, so at the sound of Dean coming in the front door, Jody slipped out of the side door. 

'Something smells good,' Dean called down the hallway, fending off Hoagie. He stopped when he walked into the dining room, stunned. Cas was standing next to the table, candles lit, drinks poured, and dinner placed neatly. 

'Hello, Dean,' Cas said nervously. 'Please sit.'

'What's this about?' Dean smiled, sitting down. 

Cas joined him at the table. 'I wanted to do something for you…' 

'Come on, man, you don't have to do anything for me.' Dean took a bite of his burger. 'Whoa, I change my mind, you can definitely do this more often. Did you make these?' 

'Jody helped,' Cas admitted. 

'They're really good.'

'Thank you.' Cas watched Dean eat, picking at his own dinner. 'I care about you, Dean,' he said. 

Dean choked on his food. 'What?' he coughed, eyes watering. 

'I care about you,' Cas repeated, 'and if my leaving work upsets you, then maybe - maybe I could try harder - or go back into training, like you said-' 

'You would do that?' 

'You've done so much for me, Dean, and I'd like to think I'm the kind of person who would return the favor.'

'You are,' Dean smiled. 'But I'm okay with it, I really am.'

'You don't seem okay with it.'

Dean sighed. 'It's just that your job was your life, and I don't want you to regret leaving.'

'I don't see why they wouldn't have me back, if I did happen to remember everything, but even if I do, that won't change the fact that I'm not - as able as I was before. I would still have epilepsy, and I would still have memory issues. It wouldn't be the same, no matter what.'

'I guess you're right,' said Dean. 'You're so smart.'

Cas felt his face flush, and Dean grinned. 'I'm glad you think so,' Cas said, a slight flutter in his chest. 

Once they finished their food, Cas leaned against the counter in the kitchen while Dean washed the dishes. 

Dean glanced up at Cas and smiled. 'Will you switch that stereo on for me?' 

Cas did as he was asked, switching on the stereo that sat on top of the microwave. A quiet song that he didn't recognise came over the speakers and he closed his eyes, slowly swaying to the music. 

He didn't open his eyes when Dean held him at the waist and danced with him. He just leaned closer and weaved his fingers into Dean's free hand. 

'You smell nice,' Cas mumbled into Dean's chest. 

'Thanks, it's my natural musk.'

Cas snorted. 'Don't lie, I've seen the bottle in the bathroom.'

Dean chuckled quietly and held him closer.

As they slowly revolved around the kitchen, it occurred to Cas that it might be a good time to ask one of his questions. 'Dean?' he said carefully. 

'Mm?' 

'Why didn't you switch off the machines?'

Dean stopped and dropped Cas’s hand. 'Why didn't I switch off your machines?' he repeated. 

Cas nodded. 

'I just - I knew you were in there. I  _ knew  _ it.'

'How?'

'Because I know you. You were fighting to come back, I could feel it.'

Cas grabbed Dean's hand again. 'I'm sorry I put you through that.'

'I couldn't give up on you, you know?' 

'Wouldn't it be easier if you had?' 

'Excuse me?' Dean said sharply. 

'I'm all but useless now, Dean,' said Cas. 'I don't have anything to offer you, or anyone.'

Dean pulled away slightly so he could look Cas in the face. 'How long have you felt like this?' 

'I don't know. A while. It's true, though, isn't it?' 

' _ No,'  _ Dean said incredulously. 'You're not worthless because you're sick, Cas.'

'But-'

'But nothing. You don't have to have something to offer. All you have to do is be you, and that's enough, okay?’

Cas shrugged.

‘Okay?’ Dean said again.

‘Okay.’

‘I’m gonna see if I can get Penny to reschedule your next session and get you in sooner. I want you to talk to her about this.’

Cas groaned.

‘I mean it. Can I write it in your notepad? Which one’s got your therapy notes?’

‘The yellow one.’

Dean made a quick note in it for Cas, then turned back to him. ‘Besides,’ he smiled, ‘I’d rather have you, brain damaged or not.’ He chanced a quick kiss on Cas’s forehead, and held both of his hands.

Then, to Dean’s surprised, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and squeezed him tightly.

‘Maybe seeing Penny sooner is a good idea,’ said Cas.

Dean began swaying with him again. ‘Yeah, we want to keep that noggin as healthy and happy as possible, all right?’

Cas smiled. ‘All right, Dean.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to thegirlJulie and liesje_86 for the comments! See you again next time!


	10. Chapter Ten

 

The next few nights were difficult for Cas as it got harder and harder for him to remain asleep, so much so that Dean had started allowing Hoagie to sleep in the bed with them. 

Cas woke after a particularly vivid nightmare one night, and found the bed empty. 

He got up and wandered into the living room. The lights were on in the dining room, and Cas found Dean and Hoagie at the table. Papers were strewn around and Dean was running his hands through his hair. Dean looked up and saw Cas through the archway. 

'Hey,' he said, smiling tiredly. 'You all right? Nightmares again?' 

Cas nodded. 'What are you doing out here? It's so late.'

'Nothing much, just working through the finances,' said Dean, gesturing at all the paper. 

'Oh, are we okay?' 

'Yeah, of course we are,' Dean said, 'I just need to move some stuff around, I think. It's just… '

Cas sat down next to him. 'Just?' 

'You always used to do this stuff,' Dean explained. 'And Sam's been helping me with it, but I wanted to do it myself this time.'

'I see.'

'It's hard,' Dean admitted. 

Cas looked down at the paperwork, then back up at Dean, and a thought suddenly occurred to him. 'You're dyslexic.'

'You remember?' 

'Yes. Have you been struggling this whole time? Why didn't you say anything?' 

'You have enough to deal with, and like I said, Sam's been helping me. I'm fine most of the time, this is just - more.'

'Let me help you,' Cas said. 'Where are you stuck?' 

'Well…' Dean grabbed some papers. 'I've got the numbers on this one. If we take out your pension, that'll cover what's left of the mortgage. But this small bit here… I asked them to print it in bigger font…' 

'Let me see…' Cas pulled the paper towards himself. 'It says that you can take it out early if you have written permission from me, a letter from the doctor confirming my diagnoses, and have it signed off by a lawyer.'

'Oh, okay, well we can do that,' Dean said, relaxing. 

'What else?' 

'There's this one… This is your savings account. I can’t figure out how to access it.’

Cas read the letter. ‘This one might be a little more difficult,’ Cas told him. ‘They want me to confirm the access request on my online account.’

‘Right?’

‘And I would need my memorable data to get into it.’

Dean snorted and they both started laughing. ‘We’ll have to go in with your ID, or something,’ he said.

Cas picked up the bank statement and saw the large number displayed on it. ‘What was I saving for?’ he asked. 

Dean shrugged, avoiding Cas’s eyes. ‘A rainy day, I guess.’

Cas read through some more of the letters, not quite putting it all together. ‘Will we be all right on just your income?’

Dean smiled again, somewhat proudly. ‘I don’t mean to brag, or anything, but I’m one of the best mechanics in the state,’ he grinned. ‘All the rich douchebags bring me their classic cars to work on, and the guys at the shop know they have to pay me ‘cause I’ll steal all their clients if I leave.’

‘Wow, I’m impressed.’

‘Yeah, no big deal.’

Cas helped Dean stack the papers neatly. ‘Is there anything else I can do?’ he asked hopefully. 

‘Well… I got Sam to help me with the important stuff… ' Then Dean saw the disappointed look on Cas’s face. 'Tell you what, you can give our medical records a look over tomorrow and check I didn't miss anything, what do you say?' 

'All right,' Cas smiled. He moved the papers away from Dean. 'It's time for bed, Dean.'

'Yeah, you're right.'

As they walked back to the bedroom, Cas saw his book sitting on one of the coffee tables, and stopped. 'I have an idea,' he said, picking up the book.  'I could read to you. It might help improve my recall, and we would both get to hear the story.'

Dean stared at him, startled. 

'And - and if I forget something, you could remind me.'

'That sounds like a great idea,' said Dean. 'You want to start now? Could help with your sleeping too.'

They climbed into bed together, and started at the beginning, Cas reading out loud, leaning against Dean's shoulder. 

After a chapter or so, Dean began to fall asleep, so Cas put the book away, and pulled the covers over them. 

Dean rolled away, but Cas scooted up behind him and got himself comfortable, fitting one arm snugly around Dean. 

  


Dean overslept the next morning, and flew around the house getting ready for work. He left in a rush, but not before leaving Cas a hot cup of coffee on the dining room table and a post-it that said ‘ _Read me more of your book tonight’,_ in his messy handwriting.

Cas smiled at it, and drank his coffee. He walked Hoagie up and down the driveway, still a little afraid to walk in the village without Dean, and eventually made his way to the office room with another cup of coffee.

Dean had asked him to look through the medical documents, and it took him a minute to remember where they were kept, but he found them in the third drawer down of the filing cabinet.

It was clear where Dean had taken over. The files in the back were stacked and dated neatly, but the ones nearer the front had been thrown in haphazardly, their names and dates scrawled across the top.

Cas was glad to have something to do for once, so he took out all the new files, grabbed a pen and notepad, and took them all out to the dining table.

He painstakingly went through all of them, comparing them to Dean’s notes, as well as a few of his own. Dean had written things in the wrong place occasionally, but aside from the odd spelling mistake, Cas was pleased to see that Dean had made very few errors. 

He made sure all the papers were in the right order, and in the right folders, rewrote the dates where needed, then stacked them back up. A few hours had passed by the time Cas finished with them, so he stopped for some lunch, before carrying them back to the office room.

He pulled the drawer back open, but just as he was about to put the files in, he noticed another folder stuffed down the side of the drawer, battered and scrunched up. He put the files down on the desk, and pulled out the folder.

It was dated almost half a year before his accident and had his name on. It was an odd anomaly in what he’d otherwise gathered was a well organised system, so he sat at the desk and opened it.

The first thing he saw was a list of medications that he didn’t recognise, so he flipped to the next page and frowned.

It was in Dean’s handwriting, entitled ‘ _Psych Notes’._ It looked as though he had written it in a hurry, with a lot more mistakes, and words written the wrong way round, than in the papers Cas had been working on that afternoon. It was difficult to read, but a sense of unease grew in his chest as words such as ‘ _obsessive tendencies’, ‘extreme irritability’_ and ‘ _psychotic symptoms’_ popped out.

‘What is this?’ he muttered to himself.

He turned the page again and saw some discharge papers, again with his name on, and saw that he’d been discharged from the hospital’s mental health unit. He quickly closed the file, heart racing. Cas got up, taking the file with him, and paced around the house.

‘This doesn’t make any sense,’ he said aloud. 

He had seen all the previous files describing his anxiety and panic attacks, but this was something else entirely.

By the time Dean arrived home, Cas was sitting at the table, chewing his nails, and picking at the skin on his lips. The file lay on the table.

Dean came into the dining room, saw the file, and his face fell. He sighed quietly. ‘Coffee?’ he said, but didn’t wait for an answer.

Cas listened to him in the kitchen, not moving until he came back in with two cups of coffee.

Neither of them spoke for a moment.

‘What is this, Dean?’ Cas said quietly.

Dean took a deep breath. ‘You’ve been sick, Cas. Real sick.’

‘I don’t understand. I couldn’t read your notes very well.’

Dean rubbed his head. ‘I don’t know where to start.’

‘The beginning would be best.’

‘Right. Okay.’ Dean took as sip of his coffee, choking slightly when it was too hot. ‘Your psychiatrist said that losing Gabriel was what triggered it.’

‘Triggered _what?’_

‘OCD,’ Dean said. ‘It wasn’t so bad at first, I thought it was just how you were handling things, and God knows I don’t have to right to comment on other people’s coping methods.’

‘What was I doing?’

‘Little things. Washing the dishes twice to make sure all the germs were gone, walking around the house and checking all the light switches.’

‘It got worse?’

‘Yeah.’

‘A lot worse?’

Dean nodded. ‘You got really obsessed with making sure we were both healthy at all times. You planned our meals all the time and got really upset if I ate something outside the plan. You wouldn’t let me order takeout anymore.’

Cas frowned. ‘I wouldn’t _let_ you?’

Dean shrugged. ‘You were sick,’ he said again. ‘You had to have all the labels on our food with the nutritional info facing out so you could see it. At your worst, I wasn’t allowed to touch any of it until you’d weighed and counted it before I cooked it.’

‘Dean, I’m so sorry, that sounds terrible.’

‘You were getting better, I swear you were,’ Dean said in earnest. ‘You were on meds, and in therapy. It was going really well.’

‘Therapy… Not with Penny?’

‘No. Me and your doctor thought it would be better if you started fresh. We thought it would be weird if you started a new course with someone who knew you better than you did.’

‘I was getting better.’

‘Yeah.’

‘But?’

Dean leaned back in his seat, and groaned.

Cas scowled, frustrated. ‘Tell me.’

Dean picked Hoagie up and cuddled him. ‘We were - ‘ He cut himself off and cleared his throat. ‘You wanted - you really wanted…’

‘Dean.’

Dean buried his head in Hoagie’s fur. ‘You wanted to have a baby,’ Dean said so quietly Cas almost didn’t hear him. ‘That’s what you were saving for. You were gonna extend the reading room so you could fit the desk and stuff in, and turn the office into a nursery.’

Cas suddenly felt very heavy, as though all the breath had left his body. ‘Wow,’ he whispered.

‘We put it on hold for a little while, after Gabriel… you wanted to get better first, but then - um- ‘ Dean rubbed his face again. ‘We went to get started, and you wanted - to do it - and you had all these tests done… and you can’t - I mean, you’re not…’

‘I can’t have biological children,’ Cas finished for him.

Dean shook his head miserably.

‘I see…’ Cas said slowly. He took a moment to try and process it, but he couldn’t make sense of it. ‘But what does that have to do with this?’

Dean took out the discharge papers. ‘You don’t handle loss well, Cas.’ He stared at the paper, a faraway look in his eyes. Cas waited for him to speak again. ‘We got the news, and you were just - different. Talking to yourself, going to work but not really doing much. You weren’t sleeping either.’

‘I don’t understand, Dean,’ Cas interrupted. ‘Why would I be so upset about this? Surely we could have just used you, or adopted a child.’

‘I didn’t want to do it,’ Dean said. ‘Sam’s got more than enough time to spread our genes, but I don’t want any more of me around. We talked about adoption, but you weren’t really into it.’ Dean shook his head. ‘You were just so scared of being alone, especially after Gabriel. I don’t know.’

‘This appears to have been very important to me.’

‘Yeah. You had names picked out and everything.’

‘What were they?’

‘Cas-’

‘I want to know.’

Hoagie whined and licked Dean’s hands, upset by the tension in the room.

‘They were Jack, for a boy, and Claire, for a girl.’

Cas’s stomach lurched, and glanced down at the papers again. ‘What happened next?’

Dean rubbed his face. ‘You called me at work one day and asked me to pick you up, saying you weren’t feeling so great, so I drive up and you’re already waiting outside, which was weird, ‘cause you’ve always got something last minute to do.’ Dean stopped and drained the rest of his coffee. ‘You didn’t even say hello when you got in the car, you just kinda sat there, I mean, you had like a weird twitch going on, but… Anyway, we got about half way home, and you haven’t said anything the whole time, but you look at me, and you grab my knee, and…’ Dean trailed off, a tremble in his voice.

‘Tell me, Dean.’

‘You told me - you told me to turn around and take you back to the hospital, because you’re hearing Gabriel’s voice in the back seat of the car.’

‘ _What?’_ Cas said, aghast. 

Dean sighed deeply. 

Cas thumbed through the papers in the file. ‘None of this is in any of my older files,’ he said, distressed. ‘If I was mentally unstable, why wouldn’t it have come up before? Why would I think it was a good idea to have a child?’

‘You’re not mentally unstable,’ Dean wearily, ‘you’re just a bit… delicate. And we weren’t really worried about it, it only happened once before, and that was a long time ago.’

‘When?’

‘It was before we met. Do you remember your dad?’

‘My father?’ Cas frowned. ‘I don’t know. Vaguely.’ 

‘The first time it happened was when he disappeared. Gabriel told me you kept hearing him places, or smelling his cologne, and running off down alleys and stuff ‘cause you were convinced he was there. That was the first time your OCD flared up as well. Gabriel said you couldn’t sleep more than a couple hours at night. You’d have to get up and make sure the porch light was working, in case he was lost, and that got you into a whole cycle of checking all the light switches.’

‘How did I get out of it?’

Dean shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I wasn’t there. You never really talked about it. Just enough to let me know it happened.’

‘But that doesn’t explain why it’s not on my notes.’

‘You were never formally diagnosed the first time. Gabriel couldn’t get you to the doctor’s office at the time.’

Cas nodded slowly ‘My father… Did he ever come back?’

‘No. No one ever heard from him again.’

Cas took a sip from his own, now lukewarm coffee, nauseous. ‘Why didn’t anyone tell me?’

Dean’s fists curled and uncurled nervously. ‘We didn’t want to trigger it again. You were already shaky on things.’

‘So, when exactly were you planning on telling me?’ Cas asked, his voice taking on a sharp edge.

‘Well, we didn’t have anything solid, but we were thinking after you were stable on your meds…’

‘That’s still ongoing, Dean.’

‘I know…’

‘You should have told me.’

‘But-’

‘I had a right to know.’ Cas’s jaw tightened, and he grabbed the file. ‘I had a right to know, and you were hiding it from me.’

‘I wasn’t-’

‘I found this crumpled down the side of the filing cabinet, and according to these notes, I certainly didn’t do it.’

‘Cas-’

‘No, Dean, you should have told me, so I would have known to recognise any changes in myself, aligning with these symptoms.’

‘I would have noticed,’ Dean insisted. ‘I know you, I would have noticed.’

‘You don’t know that. I had a brain injury, involving multiple changes in my neurological function. Neither of us has any idea how that could affect my mental illness.’

‘I would have-’

‘What did my neurologist say?’

‘Not much. Just to keep an eye on it.’

‘Oh, good. An eye.’ Cas got up and went to the kitchen, dumping his coffee down the sink.

‘Talk to me, Cas, why are you so worked up about this?’ Dean asked, following him to the kitchen. ‘It’s been gone since you woke up.’

‘I need to know these things, Dean, and you promised to tell me the truth.’

‘I know I did.’

‘And I - I don’t think it’s gone. Not completely.’

‘What do you mean?’

Cas picked up one of his notebooks and handed it do Dean.

Dean’s expression grew more and more dismayed as he flicked through it. ‘What’s this supposed to be?’

‘They’re questions I was going to ask you, although this answers a lot of them’

Dean went through more of the notebook. The same questions had been written in over and over again, with numbers, dates, and times written around them. The notebook was almost full. ‘Why didn’t you say something?’

‘I didn’t know it was a cause for concern,’ Cas said, ‘because you didn’t tell me. It’s a different presentation, but the trigger appears to be similar.’

‘What is it?’

‘You.’

‘ _Me?’_

‘I didn’t want anything to hurt you, then or now.’

‘Oh.’

‘I don’t know why you’re so surprised, Dean, if you knew what my triggers were, as you say you do, you should have seen this.’

‘Oh, well excuse me for giving you some privacy.’

‘Unless you were going to tell me about my previous problems, then you shouldn’t have.’

‘You’re really upset about this.’

‘Yes I am,’ Cas snapped. ‘It’s already bad enough that I can’t remember anything. I have no choice but to trust the people around me, and yet you all feel the need to conspire behind my back, and make my decisions for me. I’m not completely incapable, and I should have been consulted.’

Hoagie whined again, and walked slowly to Cas, head down and tail between his legs.

‘Cas, please don’t be mad-’

‘How would you feel if this were you, Dean?’

‘I guess I’d be pretty pissed.’

Cas got himself a glass of water and went back into the dining room. He pressed a hand to his forehead.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ Dean reached out, but Cas brushed him off.

‘I have a headache. You would too if you were in my situation.’

‘You should sit down-’

‘I’m fine, Dean. Stop telling me what to do.’ Cas went out onto the balcony for some fresh air, and Dean followed. ‘I need some space,’ Cas said to him. ‘Leave me alone.’

He walked down into the garden and sat beside the pond, watching the fish swim around. He took a few calming breaths, but they didn’t do much to still his reeling mind. He eventually ended up pacing around the edge of the garden until the sun started to set.

Dean came outside and stood at the edge of the garde. ‘Cas, come inside, it’s getting cold.’

‘Go away,’ Cas grumbled, continuing his pacing.

‘Cas, stop pacing.’

‘No.’

‘Cas.’

‘What?’ Cas stopped and glared at Dean, arms folded.

‘You’ve been out here for hours.’

‘So?’

‘You’re shivering.’

‘ _So?’_

‘So, I’m making mac and cheese for dinner, and you should eat it while it’s warm.’

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘All right, fine, but Hoagie’s getting anxious up there.’ Dean turned back to the house, and Cas reluctantly followed him inside. It wasn’t until he was inside that he realised how cold he had been. 

He closed the door behind him, but stopped and stared at the file still lying on the table.

Dean gave him a brief, smug smile, but dropped it when he saw Cas’s expression. ‘Let me move that.’

‘Dean,’ Cas murmured. ‘I can’t do this.’

‘What?’

‘I don’t want to go back to that,’ Cas said, gesturing at the file. ‘I don’t want to remember the things that put me in that situation.’

‘Cas, what are you saying?’

‘It must have been frightening for you too, seeing me like that. I’m frightened and I don’t even remember it.’ Cas stepped closer to Dean. ‘I don’t want to remember it.’

Dean took a step back. ‘So - so what, you’re just gonna stop trying?’

‘Yes.’

‘No. No, you can’t do that.’

‘Why not? If it’s distressing, wouldn’t it be better if I didn’t remember it?’

‘No, because then you wouldn’t remember the rest of you either.’

‘But, Dean, it sounds like it was awful for you too, why would you want that?’

‘You just gotta get the old Cas back.’

‘It’s extremely unlikely that I ever will even if I tried.’

‘But you have to try.’

‘Why?’

Dean gave a short, disbelieving laugh. ‘I’m not hearing this.’ Dean walked out to the kitchen, and Cas followed. 

‘Where are you going?’ Cas asked.

‘Hey, if you’re allowed to storm off in a mood, so am I.’ Dean grabbed his keys.

‘Why are you upset? I thought you would want me to get better, and if this is the best way, then shouldn’t I do it?’

‘Because - because you just can’t.’

‘Why?’

‘ _Because!’_ Dean shouted, making Cas jump. ‘The old Cas had issues, sure. And yeah, it could be real scary, but the old Cas is the Cas who loved me.’ Dean shoved his shoes on, and carried on outside.

‘Dean, wait.’

‘I don’t want to hear it.’ Dean got in the car and slammed the door.

‘Don’t go.’ But Dean didn’t hear him over the Impala roaring to life. He peeled out of the driveway, leaving Cas standing alone, the silence ringing in his ears.

  


Cas stood there for a while, not moving until the familiar smell of burning filled his nose, and he realised that Dean had left the mac and cheese on the stove.

‘Where would he go, Hoagie?’ Cas mumbled, after he had disposed of the burnt pasta. ‘Sam’s, right?’

Hoagie whimpered, still upset after the argument. 

‘It’s okay, boy. You want to go for a walk?’

Hoagie’s ears perked up slightly, and Cas smiled, then got them both ready for a short walk up the driveway.

Hours later, Dean had not returned. The sun had set completely, and Cas began to worry around midnight. 

He made sure the kitchen light was still on, so Dean could see when he came back, and he tried to go to bed, but it was impossible in his state of heightened anxiety. He couldn’t get comfortable without Dean, so he went back into the living room to sit in his chair.

He considered reading his book, but remembered the note that Dean had left him that morning, and decided against it. Instead, he waited in his chair with Hoagie in his lap.

Just as he was dozing off, the side door slammed. Cas jerked awake, and Hoagie barked.

‘Dean?’ he mumbled. ‘Is that you?’ But there was no response, only more slamming.

Cas got to his feet and warily approached the kitchen door. Hoagie growled, but they both relaxed when they heard Dean swear in the kitchen.

‘Where did you go?’ Cas asked as he entered the kitchen, but stopped when he saw Dean.

Something was off.

Dean’s face was red, his eyes unfocused, and he was leaning heavily against the counter.

‘Dean, what-?’

Dean groaned and stumbled forward, tripping on his own feet.

Cas moved towards him, but clapped a hand over his mouth as he was overcome by the strong smell of whiskey. ‘Dean, tell me you didn’t,’ Cas whispered. ‘Please tell me you didn’t.’

Dean’s head lolled and he pulled a half-empty glass bottle from inside his jacket. 

Cas reached for it, but Dean leaned away, swigging at it before he could grab it.

‘’S mine,’ Dean slurred. ‘Get off.’

‘Give me that,’ Cas said.

‘No!’ Dean shoved Cas away.

Tears filled Cas’s eyes. ‘Just give it to me, Dean.’

‘Why- why do you even care? You don’t, tha’s why.’ Dean reached into one of the cabinets and grabbed a tall glass, knocking several out, smashing them on the counter.

‘Don’t say that. Just give me the bottle, and - and everything will be all right. We can work it out, you’ll see. Just give me the bottle.’

‘I said no!’ Dean yelled, suddenly furious. ‘Get away from me. You’re not him. You’re not Cas.’

Cas bit his lip hard, but couldn’t stop himself from crying. ‘I can be. I can do it, I can. Just give it to me, Dean.’

Dean made a growling sound and moved away from Cas again, pouring what remained of the bottle into the glass. ‘You want it so bad? Go get it.’ He hurled the bottle at the door leading to the hallway, shattering both the glass in the door and the bottle.

Cas hurriedly scooped Hoagie up, so he wouldn’t get glass in his paws, and backed out of the kitchen into the dining room, closing the door on Dean. He felt panic rising in his chest, but fought it back while he searched for his phone. ‘Where is it?’ he muttered. He eventually found it tucked down the side of his chair, but found he couldn’t remember his passcode. He put Hoagie down and rubbed his head, but he heard more smashing sounds from the kitchen, and more swearing from Dean.

‘Come on, come on, what is it?’ Cas said, squeezing his eyes shut. ‘Damn it.’ He pressed all the buttons on the phone until the voice command screen came on. ‘Oh! Uh - call - call Sam! Call Sam.’

It took a minute, but eventually Sam answered his phone.

‘ _Cas?’_ he said, voice croaky from sleep. ‘ _What’s up? Is everything okay?’_

‘Sam,’ said Cas, unable to hide the emotion in his voice. ‘It’s Dean.’

‘ _What about him?’_

‘Sam he - he-’ Cas fought off another surge of panic. ‘I need you to come and get him.’

‘ _Why? Cas, what’s going on?’_

‘He relapsed, Sam.’

‘ _Oh, God, okay, I’m coming. Just sit tight, I’m on my way.’_

Cas sat with his back to the wall between the kitchen and the dining room, holding Hoagie close. 

Dean continued to smash things in the kitchen.

‘Please stop,’ Cas whispered, tears falling down his cheeks. ‘Please.’

  


It didn’t take long for Sam to arrive, and Cas heard him burst into the kitchen.

‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ he demanded.

‘None your business, Sammy,’ Dean shouted back.

The kitchen door opened, and a blonde woman came in. She was still wearing her nightgown.

‘Who - who are you?’ Cas choked.

‘It’s me,’ she said, holding out her hands. ‘It’s Jess.’

‘Jess?’

‘Yeah, I’m married to Sam.’

There was more shouting from the kitchen.

‘Come on, why don’t we sit down,’ Jess said gently, guiding Cas to the table.

‘This is all my fault,’ Cas sobbed, holding his head in his hands.

‘Of course it isn’t,’ said Jess, rubbing his arm. ‘I promise it isn’t your fault.’

‘I said get in the goddamn car, Dean!’ Sam yelled in the kitchen.

There was a scuffling sound, and then the yelling faded as Sam and Dean left the house.

‘Do you want some water, or anything?’ Jess said kindly, in an attempt to distract him.

Cas shook his head.

Then Sam came into the dining room. ‘All right, he’s in the car,’ he said. ‘We’ll get him sober and bring him back tomorrow, okay?’

‘Sam, I’m so sorry,’ Cas sniffed.

‘It’s not your fault, Cas. Really, it isn’t,’ Sam grimaced. ‘Try and get some sleep, okay?’

Jess squeezed Cas’s hand and got up from the table. ‘See you tomorrow.’

The house was silent again when they were gone, and Cas sat at the table for a while in shock, until he got abruptly to his feet and went into the bedroom.

He dug through the wardrobe, throwing random clothes into a duffel bag. He located the piece of paper with the passcode to his phone on it, his wallet, and the charger for his phone, which he threw into the bag with his clothes.

Then he went into the second room to collect any paperwork he might need, and stopped at the wardrobe before he left. He slowly slid it open and stared at their wedding suits.

‘Come on,’ he muttered. ‘Something. Anything.’ But the memories refused to so much as stir, so Cas slid the door shut again. 

He put Hoagie into his harness and went out to his blue Toyota, locking the front door behind him.

He sat in the driver’s seat, gripping the wheel tightly. ‘I can do this,’ he murmured. ‘Right, Hoagie?’

Hoagie scratched at the glove box.

‘What?’ Cas reached over to open it, and found an extra strap to attach Hoagie’s harness to the seatbelt. ‘Good boy.’

Once they were both strapped in, Cas pulled up a map on his phone, set the directions, and started the car. ‘I can do this,’ he said again, before hesitantly pulling out of the driveway.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to liesje_86, thegirlJulie, Natisantos18, celestialcastiel42 for the comments.
> 
> If you're feeling a little down after this chapter like I was, check out my new story Heart Sense. It's a lot lighter.
> 
> See you next time!


	11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

 

Cas drove as slowly as possible, not altogether sure which switches did what. He mostly focused on the accelerator and the brake, and gripped the wheel tightly. He couldn’t remember how to change gears, or how to switch on the radio, so all he had to listen to was Hoagie’s nervous whining in the passenger seat, and his phone telling him the directions.

‘It’s all right, boy,’ Cas murmured to him, as he rolled to a stop at an intersection. He couldn’t move for a while, willing himself to drive past the outer boundary of the village. If the village had scared him, it was nothing compared to the whole wider world, but he had to go.

'Just go,' he muttered to himself. 'You can't stay here, just go.' He took some deep breaths and thought of Dean, then put his foot on the accelerator. 

His heart was racing the whole, painstaking journey but, eventually, he reached his destination: a grungy motel a little way out from the village.

He parked the car in a space just outside the entrance, and let out the breath he had been holding, now that the car was no longer in motion. He sat still, head resting against the wheel, until Hoagie pawed at him.

‘All right, let’s go,’ Cas said to him, undoing his seatbelt and attaching his leash.

He grabbed his bag out of the trunk, and fumbled with his wallet before going inside.

‘Can I check in, please?’ Cas said to the thoroughly bored boy behind the desk.

The boy looked down at Hoagie. ‘No dogs allowed,’ he said.

Cas clutched the leash tightly. ‘He’s a service dog.’ He felt bad for lying, but he couldn’t be without Hoagie.

The boy looked for a moment as though he might argue, but then just rolled his eyes. ‘Whatever.’ The boy handed Cas his key and leaned back in his chair without another word.

 

The room was cramped, with one single bed, a small table with a couple of chairs, and a bathroom with a shower. 

Cas threw his bag down and lay down on the bed. Hoagie jumped up next to him and they both curled up under the covers.

‘You’re right, we should get some rest,’ Cas murmured to Hoagie. ‘And we can figure out what to do tomorrow.’

But instead of sleeping, Cas hugged Hoagie and cried into his fur.

His thoughts swirled and his head pounded, but he couldn’t stop crying. Hoagie gently licked his face, but settled down with his head in the crook of Cas’s neck, and eventually his steady breathing helped Cas calm down, though he still couldn't sleep. 

 

The next morning, Cas sat at the tiny table with a notepad after feeding Hoagie, trying to come up with a plan. His head was still sore, but he pushed past it, spreading some maps on the floor, and listing the supplies he would need.

‘Water - lots of water,’ Cas muttered, pretending that Hoagie was listening. ‘And food, probably. Stuff that doesn’t spoil, so no dairy or meat…’ His car keys lying on the table caught his eye. ‘Stop at a bookstore and get something on driving.’

He was part-way through planning his idea when there was a knock at the door. He climbed to his feet and went to open it, assuming it was someone from the motel coming to ask if he would be staying another night. When he opened it, however, he found Dean standing there, sweaty and pale.

‘You really shouldn’t be driving,’ Dean mumbled.

Cas’s mouth tightened. ‘Should  _ you _ be?’

Dean flinched and avoided Cas’s eyes. ‘Sam breathalyzed me before I left, I’m good.’

‘How did you know I was here?’

Dean glanced up at him. ‘You used our joint bank account to book the room.’

‘Oh.’

Dean saw the maps on the floor and frowned. ‘Are you going somewhere?’

Cas shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Nevada maybe.’

_ ‘Nevada?  _ Cas, you can’t go to Nevada.’

‘I can’t stay here.’

‘Yes you can,’ Dean said, finally making eye contact. ‘Just - just come back, okay?  _ I’ll  _ go.’

Cas folded his arms.

‘I’ll - I’ll stay with Sam, or something. Please, come back, Cas, it’s your home.’ Dean's voice was low and hoarse. 

Cas bit his tongue, stopping himself from making a mean comment about the kitchen door.

‘You love that house,’ Dean pressed. ‘Please, you worked so hard for it.’

‘I don’t remember doing that.’

Dean shifted on his toes, uncertain. ‘Can - can I come in?’

Cas sighed and moved aside for Dean, who sat at the table nervously. Cas joined him, warily watching him pat Hoagie.

'I'm impressed, you know,' Dean said, chancing a smile that Cas did not return. 'Driving all the way out here by yourself.'

'Don't patronise me, Dean,' Cas scowled. 

'I just meant - you know - because you didn't want to go out in the village…' 

'It's stressful walking around people who look at me like they're expecting something, because they know me. No one knows me here.'

'That makes sense.'

There was a tense silence until Dean sucked in a breath. 'Look, I messed up. I really did. I can't take it back, but I don't want you to leave. I get it if you need space, so I'll go. I know you don't remember much, so you'll just have to take my word for it that you love the house, and I can't let you give it up.'

Cas sat down opposite Dean. 

'I'll stay with Sam,' Dean said again. 

Cas looked down at his notes and plans, and sighed. 'I can't get on the interstate anyway,' he admitted. 'I can't remember how to drive properly.'

'So you'll come back?' 

Cas nodded, and Dean exhaled in relief. 

'Okay. Okay, great,' Dean said, wiping his eyes. 

Cas closed his notebook. 'You said I wasn't Cas,' he said quietly. 

'I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was saying-' 

'You were right,' Cas interrupted. 'I'm not the Cas you knew, and maybe you need to stop clinging to the idea of who I'm supposed to be. Maybe we both do.'

'That's fair,' Dean nodded. 

'I certainly don't want to go back to the person that hallucinates their dead brother's voice.'

'I was being selfish,' Dean said, 'and I'm sorry.'

'I don't know what to think about any of this. My head  _ hurts.' _

'Let me take you home,' said Dean. 'You can take all the time you need to figure it out.'

Cas nodded and reached for his keys, but Dean grabbed them.

‘I’m driving. Sam’ll pick your car up later.’

Cas didn’t bother arguing, and let Dean pack up his things for him. He was suddenly very tired, so allowed himself to fall asleep in Dean’s car with Hoagie in his lap, until Dean pulled up at the top of the long driveway.

Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean. His hands were shaking on the wheel, and he’d turned a pale shade of green. ‘Are you going to throw up?’ Cas asked.

‘No, I’m fine,’ Dean hastily. ‘I’m gonna have Sam grab my stuff later, okay?’

Cas nodded and made to get out.

‘Cas, wait.’ Dean looked at him uncertainly. ‘If - if anything  _ happens -  _ if you need anything-’

‘The emergency numbers are on the fridge, I know.’

‘Jody’s going to help you with food, she knows what you’re like with cooking-’

‘All right.’

‘And make sure you call Penny, she’ll want-’

‘Dean,’ Cas said firmly, and Dean squeezed his eyes shut.

‘Yeah. Okay.’ His voice cracked.

Cas opened the car door, and Hoagie jumped out. He looked back at Dean, who was staring resolutely ahead. ‘Goodbye, Dean,’ he murmured, before climbing out of the car and closing the door behind him.

Dean sped away in the Impala, leaving Cas and Hoagie standing in the road.

Cas sighed and picked up Hoagie’s leash, walking the both of them down the long driveway, past Jody’s house, and into the gravelly yard.

He stopped in front of the side door, a hand on the peeling red paint.

‘You’re being ridiculous,’ Cas said to himself, before pushing the door open.

Hoagie followed behind him, but his ears and tail drooped as they went into the kitchen.

It was immediately obvious what had occured. All the glass shards had been swept off the floor, but the door had been boarded up. 

Cas stepped into the kitchen silently and knelt down on the floor. Whoever had cleaned up missed a piece. Cas carefully picked it up, and recognised the feathered pattern on it. He sat with his legs crossed, cradling the remaining piece of his coffee mug in his hand. He couldn’t cry any more, his head hurt too much, but he slumped and leant against the cabinet.

He didn’t know how long he sat there for, but he jumped at a hand on his shoulder. ‘Jody,’ he said. ‘I didn’t hear you come in.’

‘I just came to drop off some food. I know how much you like my lasagna,’ Jody said warmly. ‘Come on, honey, come sit at the table.’

Cas let Jody sit him down.

‘I’ll make you some coffee.’

‘My mug…’

‘That’s okay, you’ve got plenty in the cabinet.’ 

Cas rested his head on the table while Jody made the coffee.

‘You tired, sweetie?’ Jody asked, coming back with their drinks.

‘I haven’t really slept.’

‘Of course not.’

Cas gratefully drank some of the coffee, though the mug was unfamiliar in his hands.

Jody was watching him expectantly, but waited for him to speak first.

‘You’ve seen Dean like that before?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did he always break things?’

‘Not always.’ Jody was looking at him, her face tense and anxious. ‘He’s gonna be fine, though. He’s going back to meetings, and he’s gonna get a therapist and everything.’

Cas nodded. ‘That’s good.’

‘But - but you don’t want to be around him while he does it?’

Cas didn’t say anything.

‘Cas, listen, I know he scared you, but-’

‘Is that what you think this is about?’ Cas asked. 

‘Well…’

‘I’m not scared of Dean. I could never be scared of him.’

‘Then, I’m sorry, but I don’t get what the issue is.’

Cas sighed deeply. ‘I can’t make him do this anymore. I can’t force him to be around me when I don’t feel the way he needs me to feel.’

Jody leaned back in her seat, suddenly understanding.

‘Look what happened, Jody. I ruined twelve years of sobriety for him. It was my fault.’

‘Honey, look at me.’ Jody took his hands. ‘It’s not your fault. It doesn’t matter what happened, or who said what. It was Dean’s decision to take that drink, and Dean’s alone. He knows that, and he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.’

‘He hurts when he looks at me, Jody, anyone can see that,’ Cas said. ‘I don’t want to do that to him anymore, especially if it compromises something he worked so hard for.’

‘Huh,’ Jody said, a smile tugging at her mouth.

‘What?’

‘Nothing, honey. I get it.’

Cas finished his coffee.

‘I can stay, if you want,’ Jody offered. ‘I don’t mind.’

‘No, it’s all right. I - I can do it.’

‘I’m sure you can. Call me if you need anything.’ Jody got to her feet, and glanced back at him sadly before leaving the house. 

Cas pushed himself up too and went to the kitchen to look at his whiteboards. It was more important to keep track of them, now that Dean wasn’t there to help him.

‘I can do it,’ Cas repeated to himself, writing his daily and weekly to-do list on the boards, then he went through all the drawers and cabinets to remind himself of where everything was. 

He stopped when he came to the drawer with Dean’s chips inside. He slowly pulled the drawer open and his heart ached. The box that contained the chips was empty. 

He closed the drawer, forcing himself to keep it together, and decided to take Hoagie for a walk. 

He got to the top of the driveway again, but couldn't step past it into the village. 

'This is stupid,' he muttered angrily. 'You can do this. You drove a car yesterday.'

But then someone he didn't recognise walked across the other side of the road and waved to him. 

Cas waved politely back, but turned around with Hoagie and walked back towards the house. 

Once back in his own yard, he kicked at some gravel in frustration. 

'I am an adult,' he said to himself furiously. 'I am Castiel Winchester, a grown up, fully capable man. I am not a scared child, damn it.'

He went inside the kitchen and tried to distract himself, digging one of Jody's lasagnas out of the fridge. She'd stuck a note on it with the cooking instructions. 

Cas glanced uneasily at the oven, then shook his head. 'I  _ can  _ do it.' He went over to the oven and stared at it until he remembered which dial did what and smiled to himself as he successfully set it to the right temperature. 'All right, next problem,' he muttered. 'The oven needs to heat up, right?' he said to Hoagie. 'How long do you think that'll take?' 

Hoagie just tilted his head. 

'I should know this… Ten minutes? Yeah, ten minutes.' 

He looked at the clock and wrote down the time he'd switched on the oven, so he wouldn't forget, and waited in the kitchen with Hoagie. 

'Ten minutes up, so now we put the lasagna in.' He walked himself through it, step by step, and wrote down the time again. 

Just then, Hoagie whined and barked at him. 

'What?' 

Hoagie sniffed and pawed his leg, then growled, and Cas realised what he was doing. 

'Really? Now?' Cas groaned. 

Hoagie barked again. 

'Okay, I'm going.' Cas stepped towards the bedroom, but he was too slow. He tasted metal on his tongue, and his head vibrated. 

 

He didn't know how long he was out for, but he was jolted out of his fuzzy state by someone yelling his name. 

'Wha-?' He smelled burning and pushed himself up to see Sam wafting smoke out the window. 

Sam opened the oven door and more smoke billowed out, sending them both into a spluttering coughing fit. 

'Are you all right?' Sam choked, waving a hand in front of his face. 

'My head…' He reached up and felt a small bump on his forehead. 

'Are you all right?' Sam repeated. 

'I think so.'

Sam got them both a glass of water and sat on the floor with Cas, folding up his long legs. 

'Thank you,' Cas mumbled. 'You're here for Dean's things?' 

'Yeah,' Sam grimaced. 

'How is he?' 

'At a meeting, I think.'

'That's good,' Cas nodded. 'Are you upset with me, Sam?' 

'No, of course not!' 

'I wouldn't blame you if you were. Dean's your brother.'

'You're my brother too, Cas,' Sam said kindly. 

Cas drew his legs up to his chest. 

'He can come back, you know,' said Sam. 'This doesn't have to be forever.'

'I don't know, Sam…' 

'I get it. You want him to get better, and he shouldn't rely on you for his recovery, so how about we leave it open?' 

'What do you mean?' 

'How about, when Dean feels like he's stable by himself, we can see about him coming back?' Sam suggested. 'That way you both get some space, and you both get something to work for. What do you think?' 

Cas nodded. 'I think that could work.'

Sam smiled. 'That's great, Cas. I'll get his stuff and tell him when I get back.' Sam got to his feet. 

'Sam? Will you tell Dean I'm sorry?' 

'You've got nothing to be sorry for,' Sam insisted, helped Cas up. 'I'm buying you dinner tonight. Try and be more careful with that oven.' 

Cas sat at the table while Sam rifled around in their bedroom, packing things into bags. 

'You sure you're gonna be all right?' Sam said, coming into the dining room, bags in hand. 

Cas nodded. 

'All right, let me get these back and I'll send you over a pizza, okay?' 

'Thank you, Sam.'

'And listen, you can call me if you need anything. Even if you just want to talk, I'm here.'

'I appreciate that.'

Sam smiled again. 'I gotta go, but keep in touch, okay? Keep yourself busy, and don't forget you've got family around you.' Sam hoisted the bags onto his shoulder and left the house with a wave. 

Cas sighed and finished his water before going back into the kitchen and throwing out his burned lasagna. He left the oven door open, as well as all the kitchen windows to try and air it out the burnt smell. 

The bump on his forehead stung, so he wrapped some frozen peas in a towel and pressed it to his head. 

'I can do this,' Cas said, a little less convinced than he had been before. 'I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself.'

He ate the pizza that Sam sent gratefully, and put the leftovers in the fridge.

Slowly, he changed into his pajamas, but avoided actually going to bed for as long as possible. He didn't know if he would be able to sleep at all without Dean. The book they were reading still sat on the bedside table, but he couldn't bring himself to try and read it alone. 

He walked around the house, making sure all the appliances and lights were switched off, except the light outside the front door, which he left on. 

Hoagie was already in bed by the time Cas ran out of excuses to stay awake. He was used to being allowed in the bed now, and the sight of him stretched out, completely relaxed and asleep, made Cas smile, so he got into bed and pulled Hoagie closer. 

Hoagie huffed in his ear, but got himself comfortable again. 

'It's going to be okay,' Cas whispered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to celestialcastiel42, Natisantos18, thegirlJulie, Ginnafyre, Dragon67, Angella_Collins and Vaso for the comments!
> 
> It'll get better soon, I promise. See you next time.


	12. Chapter Twelve

_This chapter got a little more intense than I was expecting, so I'm gonna go ahead and add a content warning for mental health issues and psychosis. Please don't read if you feel like that sort of thing triggers you._

* * *

 

 

One month 

 

Cas woke up every morning and read the notes on his whiteboard. He took Hoagie for a walk after breakfast, and worked on the garden during the day. 

After the second time burning something in the oven, Cas went up to Jody's. 

'Come in, sweetie, it's good to see you,' Jody said when she saw him. 'Alex is at work, I'm afraid.'

'I actually wanted to talk to you,' Cas said, sitting at the table. 

'Oh, okay. Shoot.'

Cas fidgeted nervously. 'I need your help with something. You've already done so much for me, so if you don't want-' 

'What is it, honey?' 

'I was thinking, it might be better to make food that can be cooked in the microwave,' said Cas. 'That way, if I can't get to it, it stops on its own, and then nothing will catch fire.'

Jody smiled widely. 'That's a great idea,' she said. 'You want some of these cookies?' 

'Sure.'

 

Cas was getting better at getting himself somewhere soft whenever he felt a seizure coming on, but he wasn't always quick enough. He began to accumulate bruises, and a couple of grazes from when he was outside. He listed the occurrences as best he could, though he was often too foggy to get down the exact time. 

He did notice that Hoagie had started scratching and whining at the doors whenever he had a particularly bad one, and running to Jody's house if they were already outside. 

'Are you trying to get help for me?' Cas murmured as they lay on the floor together. 

Hoagie whined. He had lost his usual energetic manner since Dean had left. 'Is this what you were like when I was asleep?'

Hoagie huffed and lay his head on the ground.

'I miss him too.'

Cas rested on the floor a little while longer, then called Sam. 

'Hey, Sam, I have an idea. I want to put in a dog door for Hoagie, but I don't think I should be handling any power tools. Can you help me with it?' 

' _ Sure, I'll get some supplies and be over at the weekend.' _

'See you then.'

Cas, however, forgot to make a note of it, and was surprised when Sam turned up with a toolbox and the dog door he was going to install. 

'It's okay,' Sam laughed as Cas apologised profusely for forgetting. 'Really, Cas, it's fine. Just change out of your PJs and we can get started.'

Cas did so and made Sam a coffee before they started. 

'Which door did you want this on?' Sam asked. 

'The side door,' Cas told him. 

'All right, let's go.'

Sam made Cas put on some plastic goggles, then started pulling out the tools he would need. 

'How's Dean doing?' Cas asked as he held up a level for Sam. 

'A lot better,' said Sam, tracing the outline of the dog door. 'He got his one month chip yesterday.'

'That's great,' Cas smiled. 'Has he been talking to Benny?' 

'Yeah, Benny's over almost every day.' Sam said, his smile faltering. 

Cas frowned. 'That's not so great.'

'Well, hey, whatever works, I guess,' said Sam, resuming his smile. 

'Yes, you're right.'

'How are  _ you  _ doing, anyway?' 

'I think I'm okay. I haven't burned anything this week.'

Sam laughed. 'I'm glad to hear it, Cas.'

They spent the afternoon installing the dog door, and Cas offered Sam dinner, but he declined. 

'I better get back to Jess,' Sam said. 'She'll kill me if I don't bring her favourite pickles.'

Cas snorted. 'All right, Sam.'

Sam packed all of his tools away. 

'Sam, will you tell Dean…' 

'Yeah?' 

'Nothing. Nevermind.'

Sam gave him a brief, sad look, but then smiled and said goodbye. 

 

Cas usually spent his evenings either cleaning up after he burned something, or walking around the house making sure all the light switches were working, and all the appliances were off, except the light outside the front door that he had been leaving on overnight. He couldn't risk anything catching fire while he was asleep. He still couldn't seem to keep track of his books, so he left the one he had been reading on Dean's bedside table, ready for when he came back. 

 

Two Months

 

The days were shortening, and the air becoming colder day by day. Eventually, Cas looked through his cupboards and confronted the fact that he needed to go shopping. 

He wrote a list of things he needed and got Hoagie into his harness and leash. 

They slowly walked up the driveway together, and stopped at the top. 

Cas bounced on his toes, then finally stepped past the the drive. He gasped and wrung his hands. 'Keep going,' he whispered. 'One step at a time. Which way was it?' He looked to his left, and to his right, but was saved having to remember by Hoagie, who pulled him to the right, to the bottom of the hill. 

He walked into the square and his stomach flipped as he saw how many people were wandering around. 

Hoagie pulled at his leash again, forcing Cas forward. 

Cas bit his lip, fighting to keep his breathing steady. He could see the store from this side of the square, so he walked directly over to it, but stopped outside when he realised he couldn't bring Hoagie inside. Cas was tempted to go home, but instead looked around for somewhere he could tie Hoagie up. 

Just as he found somewhere, a blonde girl came outside. 

'What are you doing?' she asked. 

'Uh, it's not dogs allowed,' Cas said, staring at her. 'I know you…' 

'Belle,' she said kindly. 

'Belle, of course,' Cas laughed nervously. His hands shook slightly. 

'Last I heard, Hoagie's a service dog, so he's allowed inside,' Belle smiled. 

'Thank you,' Cas breathed. 

He went inside with Belle and looked around. 

'What can I help you with?' Belle asked. 

Cas's mind went blank. 'Um…' 

'Did you need some groceries?' Belle prompted. 

Cas nodded and went into his pocket for his list, but he couldn't find it. 'It- it was here,' he said, patting all of his pockets. 'I had it.' He desperately looked around at the shelves, hoping that something there would remind him of what was on the list. 

He saw Belle looking at him in concern, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and he couldn't control his breathing any longer. 

'I have to go,' he gasped, hurrying from the store. 

'Cas, wait!' Belle called, but he ignored her. 

He got back outside, and stood on the green in the square. He couldn't remember which way home was. 

'Calm down,' he told himself, turning around so he was looking at the store from the way he'd gone in. 'I came from - I came from that way.' He fled back towards the house, not stopping until he got inside the gate and skidded to a halt on the gravel. He tried to force his ragged breathing back into a regular rhythm. 'Like Dean taught you,' he wheezed.

He was still outside as the sun went down, and shivered in the cold, but he finally calmed down and went back inside. His shopping list was still sitting on the kitchen counter.

Cas looked in the fridge for something to eat, but he'd lost his appetite, so instead did his usual routine of switching off all the lights, checking the appliances were off, and making sure the light outside the front door was working, flipping the switch on and off a few times. 

 

A couple of seizures in his sleep knocked Cas out of his morning routine. He was too foggy in the morning to be able to rewrite his whiteboards, and ended up doing the wrong things on the wrong days. Several times, he forgot to switch the appliances back on, so he took to checking all the switches when he got up, as well as when he went to bed. 

One late night before bed, Cas was checking the switches, listening to the rain outside, when the light by the front door flickered out. Cas flicked the switch a few times to make sure it really was dead. 

‘All right, where do we keep the light bulbs?’ he sighed.

Hoagie ignored him and went to bed.

Cas dug through all the kitchen drawers searching, and getting more and more worked up when he couldn’t find any.

‘I’m sure we have some,’ he muttered, throwing open all the cabinets, his chest tightening when still no light bulbs appeared. ‘Okay, think, where would we keep them?’ He ran his hands through his hair.

He tried both his bedroom and the office, but still no luck. Hoagie watched him through half-closed eyes as he searched the wardrobes.

‘Come on, come on, there has to be one somewhere.’ He scrubbed his face. ‘Ah, Dean’s shed,’ he said. ‘I bet they’re in there.’ He left Hoagie in bed, but grabbed the broken bulb from the light, so he would remember what kind he needed. He shoved on some shoes, grabbed a flashlight, and ran out to the shed in the rain.

It was dusty inside the shed, and hard to see in the dark, but Cas shone the light into every corner and every drawer he could find, but still nothing.

Cas dropped the torch and pressed his hands to his temples. ‘We had light bulbs, I’m sure we did.’ He grabbed the bulb again. ‘I’ll just - I’ll just go to the store and get one.’ He marched up the drive, the rain soaking him to the skin, gripping the bulb in his hands, but it was very dark, and he’d left the flashlight in the shed.

He got stuck about half way up, lost in the dark. It was too much for him, and all he could do was stand there, panicking. 

Suddenly, a flashlight bobbed up and down, coming towards him.

‘Cas?’ a voice called, barely discernible through the rain.

He looked up, and the shape behind the flashlight solidified into someone he recognised.

‘Cas, what are you doing out here in the rain?’ Alex said, holding her umbrella over him.

‘I - I-’ He tried to gulp in some air, and held out the lightbulb in his hand.

‘Come inside,’ Alex said, putting an arm around his shoulder and leading him the right way. It was a lot easier to see with her flashlight. ‘Jody!’ Alex called as they got inside.

‘What?’ Jody said, coming down the stairs in her nightdress, tying on a robe. ‘Cas!’

‘Can you get us a towel?’ Alex said. ‘Why don’t you sit at the table there, Cas? I’ll make some hot chocolate.’

Cas did as he was told, and sat, shivering feverishly and dripping on the carpet.

Jody wrapped a large towel around him, and waited for Alex to come back with their drinks.

‘What were you doing outside in this rain?’ Alex asked, rubbing his shoulder.

Cas, still holding the lightbulb, sniffed. ‘I - I needed a lightbulb. This one’s broken, and I need it. I was going to the store.’

Alex and Jody looked at each other, alarmed. 

‘But, Cas, it’s the middle of the night,’ Alex said slowly. ‘The store isn’t open.’

Cas scrunched up his face, but couldn’t stop the sob rising up into his throat. ‘But - I - I need it,’ he wept. ‘I - I can’t sleep wi- without the light on, I-’

‘It’s okay, I’m sure we’ve got one of these, right, Alex?’ said Jody.

‘Yeah, definitely. Can I take this to check?’ Alex gently took the lightbulb from Cas’s hand and left the room.

Cas buried his head in his hands, still shivering.

‘Honey…’ Jody said softly. ‘Is there anything you want to talk about?’

Cas shook his head. ‘No - no, I just - I just need a lightbulb. I just need a lightbulb.’

Alex came back with the bulb he needed, and another towel, which she used to dry his hair with. ‘Drink your hot chocolate, Cas, it’ll make you feel better.’

Cas could barely hold the mug, his hands were shaking so badly, but he drank some of it, and it warmed him up. ‘Have you heard from Dean?’ he asked, holding the mug tightly.

Jody smiled. ‘Yeah, I have. He’s doing good. Real good.’

‘That’s good to hear. Did he get his two months chip?’

‘He did.’ Jody held his hand. Her fingers were warm. ‘He might be ready to come back soon.’

Cas closed his eyes. ‘He shouldn’t rush it. Tell him to take his time.’

‘I will.’ Jody squeezed his hand. ‘Maybe you should stay here tonight.’

Cas pulled his hand away. ‘I can’t. I need to lock the doors, and I need Hoagie - and - and, the lightbulb-’

‘All right, all right,’ Jody placated. ‘Let Alex walk you home, though, okay?’

Cas nodded, sniffing. ‘Thank you.’ He got up and gave Jody back her towels, and followed Alex outside.

She walked him right to the front door, and hugged him before she left.

Cas didn’t go inside straight away. He reached up to the outside light, and put in the new bulb. He stood inside the door, flipping the switch over and over again, resting his head against the wall in relief as it worked.

 

Three Months

 

Cas lost his phone. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he lost it. All he knew was that one day he had it, and the next he didn’t. He looked everywhere for it, or thought he had. Either way, he couldn’t find it.

He lost track of the date, and started just trying to make it through one day at a time. It got colder and colder, and he couldn’t ever remember how to switch on the heat, despite how many times Sam showed him. He ended up digging through the wardrobes for warmer clothes, and found a matching set of dark blue gloves, scarf, and beanie hat. He ended up wearing them most of the time.

Jody had come over at some point and noticed the lack of groceries in the house, and picked them up herself, after Cas outright refused to go back to the village.

He managed to get himself out to walk Hoagie every day, but everything eventually began to blur together.

Every morning, he checked the lights and appliances. Every night, he checked the lights and appliances, and left the light by the front door on.

Occasionally, he would go to his whiteboards to write something on them, but he would forget what it was as soon as he got there.

Food spoiled in the fridge before Cas even realised it was there.

Jody helped as best she could, but she couldn’t always be there, and Sam stopped coming over altogether. He had a reason, but Cas forgot what it was.

It wasn’t long before he ran out of medication, but kept forgetting to ask someone to get him some more, and the increased frequency of his seizures made things worse.

The days passed quickly. Too quickly for Cas to keep up, though he did his best, and his heart began to ache. He missed Dean, but now couldn’t contact him, even if he wanted to.

The house became cold and unwelcoming, and Cas heard odd noises around him. The weather was too bad for him to work on the garden, so he clung to what little routine he had, until even that became too much for him.

It started on an overcast morning. It had stopped raining, but looked like it could start again at any moment. Cas didn’t know what time it was when he woke up. His clock had stopped and he couldn’t find any more batteries, but he dragged himself to the bathroom anyway. He’d fallen asleep with his hat on, so he stripped himself down and took a long shower.

He was daydreaming as he was brushing his teeth, when he thought he heard something out in the hallway. He stepped backwards, toothbrush still in his mouth, and looked around, but all he saw was Hoagie lying outside the door. He shrugged and went back into the bathroom.

“What are you doing?”

Cas choked on his toothpaste, and dropped his toothbrush in the sink. ‘What?’ He went out into the hallway again, but there was no one there. Hoagie hadn’t moved. Cas wrapped his arms around himself, and slowly went to the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder as he went. That day, he heard the voice every few hours, always wanting to know what he was doing. He ignored it, for the most part, only twitching when he heard it. It sounded so close to his ear.

Jody visited briefly, but Cas didn’t mention it to her. He didn’t want to cause her undue worry, certain that it would go away soon.

It was raining again when it got worse. He was in the bathroom again, brushing his teeth, when something in the mirror caught his eye. It was just his reflection, but then it moved.

“I’m talking to you”

Cas cried out and tripped over his feet, backing out of the bathroom. He didn’t move, sitting up against the wall in the hallway, hand over his mouth. Hoagie came over to him and licked his hand. He sat there for a long time, too scared to move, but eventually he drew up the nerve to go back into the bathroom. He grabbed the mirror and stared into it, but it remained only his reflection. He sighed. ‘Okay,’ he whispered. 

He put Hoagie into his harness and walked up to Jody’s front door, and knocked, but no one was in. He bit his lip, but went back inside.

‘Sleep it off,’ he whispered. ‘You’re probably just tired.’

“I doubt it.’

Cas whirled around but there was no one there.

He tried to sleep, but his heart was pounding.

It went on for days, getting worse until his reflection moved every time he passed it, in windows as well as all the mirrors in the house. He threw a sheet over the full length mirrors, turned the small one over in the bathroom, and kept the curtains closed. 

It worked for a while, until he walked into the dining room with his dinner and froze. Someone was sitting at the table with his back to Cas. He recognised the wavy brown hair, and the black leather jacket.

Gabriel turned around and smiled, and Cas slammed the kitchen door shut. He curled into a ball, crying on the kitchen floor.

‘It’s not real,’ he whispered, eyes shut. ‘It’s not real.’

 

He didn’t see Gabriel again, but in the coming days, he saw a version of himself walking in and out of doors, or standing at the end of the hallway. It always glared at him, and always wore the same, beige trench coat. Most of the time it was silent, but sometimes it spoke.

“Why are you doing this?” it would ask. “Where is Dean?”

Cas mostly ignored it, only once telling it to shut up, which he didn’t do again when it screeched at him.

He stopped sleeping at night, but always left the light on. He couldn’t stomach much food either, only eating small snacks throughout the day.

He woke up after a nap in the afternoon to someone banging on the door. He crept slowly to the front door, not entirely certain that the knocking was real. The fake Castiel wasn’t there, so Cas opened the front door.

Dean stood there, one rose in hand. ‘Hey,’ he said, smiling softly. He took Cas’s hand and pressed a plastic token into it, that read ‘3 months’. ‘I was hoping we could start again.’

Cas stared at him for a minute, shocked, then stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck. 

Dean hugged him back, strong arms around his waist. ‘I missed you,’ he whispered.

‘I missed you too,’ Cas said, burying his head in Dean’s shoulder.

‘Can I come in?’

‘Of course!’ Cas turned around and saw Castiel standing there, still glaring at him. He grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him inside, ignoring the figure by the bedroom door.

He and Dean sat at the table, after Dean put the rose in the vase.

‘Why are all the curtains closed?’ he asked, reaching out to open them.

‘Don’t,’ Cas said.

Dean looked him up and down, and dropped his hand. ‘Cas, you don’t look so good. What happened?’

Cas sighed, but couldn’t bring himself to answer.

‘You lost the weight,’ Dean frowned.

‘Yes.’

‘I like the beard, though.’

Cas smiled slightly, resting his head on his hand. ‘I kept forgetting to shave it.’ His chest loosened more than it had done in the last week, relieved to finally see Dean.

‘I was kinda hoping we could talk, but you seem a little out of it.’

Cas looked up at Dean’s concerned face. ‘I don’t feel right. Not for a while now.’

Dean’s expression became more alarmed. ‘Why didn’t you call someone?’

‘I lost my phone.’

‘Oh. That explains the whiteboards.’

Cas nodded.

‘Well, what about Jody?’

‘I - uh - I went to see her, but she wasn’t there. I don’t know when that was. Maybe a few days ago?’

‘Okay, well, I’m going to make you a killer grilled cheese, and you’ll feel so much better you’ll be singing off the balcony.’ Dean stood up, but Cas grabbed his arm. Castiel had appeared in the kitchen doorway, and Cas couldn’t help but stare at him.

‘What?’ Dean said, following Cas’s gaze. 

Cas whimpered, and Dean went pale.

‘Cas, are you - have you been?’

Cas nodded slowly.

‘Cas, look at me. I’m right here. Look at me.’

Cas tore his eyes away and looked at Dean instead. ‘I’m scared, Dean,’ he whispered. ‘I’m afraid, and I’m so tired.’

‘Don’t be scared, okay?’ Dean said, smiling at him. ‘Here’s what we’re gonna do: we’re gonna take a nap, we’re gonna get some rest, and then we’re gonna go to the hospital, all right?’

‘I don’t know, Dean,’ Cas mumbled.

‘They’ll help you. Just come take a nap with me, all right?’

Finally, Cas nodded. ‘All right, Dean, I trust you.’

Dean led him by the hand to the bedroom, briefly glancing at the covered up mirror, and put Cas to bed. He took off his shoes, while Hoagie, who had been sleeping in the bed, jumped up at him, excitedly wagging his tail and trying to lick Dean’s face. Dean climbed into bed beside Cas and pulled him in close.

Cas breathed deeply, clutching Dean’s shirt tightly.

‘Don’t be scared,’ Dean whispered, stroking Cas’s hair. ‘I’ve got you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone. Thanks to Ginnafyre, thegirlJulie, NolaBelle, celestialcastiel42, Natisantos18 and Dragon67


	13. Chapter Thirteen

 

Cas lay quietly in bed with Hoagie. It had only been a short nap, but it had been the most relaxed one he'd had in a while. Dean had got up and gone to the kitchen at some point, and Cas listened to him talking on the phone, eyes closed, his low voice soothing. 

'... No, I know you're busy with Jess, but you were supposed to… I know you didn't know…  _ I know you didn't know…  _ What about Jody?... What do you mean she's on vacation? Why didn't anybody tell me?... She said he'd been off, I mean, you heard about the light bulb incident…' 

Cas breathed deeply, rolling away from Hoagie and stretching widely. He yawned and opened his eyes, and recoiled in horror. His own face was glaring at him, inches away from his nose. It snarled at him, blurring at the edges, and he screamed, hiding under the covers. 

Dean came running into the bedroom. 'What? What is it?' He shook Cas’s shoulder, but he wouldn't come out, so Dean got back under the covers. 'What are you seeing?' he asked softly. 

Cas shook his head. 

'All right, well, do you want to get a bag ready to go?' 

'I - I can't, not w-without Hoagie,' Cas groaned. 

'I called them up, and they said they've got no problem with accommodating for your epilepsy. You're gonna get your own room and everything.'

'I don't want to go, Dean,' Cas mumbled, scrunching Dean's shirt up in his fists. 

Dean sighed and stroked his cheek. 'I'm gonna pack you a bag anyway, just in case. Then, how about we go out into town, and get some ice-cream, or something? Get you out of the house for a while.'

Cas nodded. 'Okay.'

'You ready to come out from under here?'

Cas’s hands shook, but he nodded again. 

'Just keep your eyes on me.' Dean slowly pulled the blanket off of them and Cas tensed. 

He held Dean's hands tightly, but eased up when he saw nothing but Dean. 

'You're doing so good,' Dean smiled. 'I'm gonna pack your bag, okay?' 

'Okay.'

Hoagie jumped around the bed, wagging his tail. He'd perked up a lot since Dean had come home. 

'I heard you on the phone,' Cas said. 'It's not Sam's fault.'

Dean glanced back at him from the wardrobe, but didn't say anything. 

'It's not your fault either. It's no one's fault.'

Dean sighed. 'I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you.'

'Someone said something… I think it was Penny. She said - she said that you can't take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself first.'

Dean smiled at him. 'You know what, I think she's right.' Dean finished packing the back and slung it over his shoulder. 'I'll be right back.' He left the room, and Cas heard the front door open. 

When Dean came back, he was carrying a pair of shoes for Cas. 'Can't walk around without shoes,' he smiled, gently easing them onto Cas’s feet. 'Okay, let's go.'

Cas got up shakily, holding Dean's hand, and left the bedroom. 

Suddenly, he saw Castiel out of the corner of his eye. 'No!' he cried, putting his hands over his ears, as the figure yelled at him. 'Stop it! Leave me alone!' 

The Dean’s hands were at his arms, guiding him out the front door. ‘It’s all right,’ he said. ‘It can’t hurt you, I’m here.’

He clutched Dean tightly, not looking at anything until Dean had put him in the car.

Dean whistled, then called Hoagie to the car, and they both got in.

'Time for ice-cream!' Dean said a little too excitedly, starting the car. 

Cas leaned against the door of the car, shaking like a leaf. 'Was it like this last time?' he asked. 

Dean grimaced as they pulled out of the driveway. 'I don't know what it was like last time,' he admitted. 'You wouldn't talk about it. I don't think you were seeing anything though. Just voices.'

Cas smacked his hand against the dashboard. 'Why was I such a goddamn asshole?' 

'Hey, hey, you weren't an asshole,' Dean protested. 'You didn't want to scare anyone. It's not like you were expecting this to happen.'

'Don't defend me, Dean,' Cas snapped. 

'Okay,' Dean said calmly. 

'Do you need this wing mirror?' said Cas, agitated, trying to avoid looking at it. He could see his reflection moving. 

Dean glanced at it. 'I can do without it for now.'

Cas rolled down the window and turned the mirror in so he couldn't see it. 

Dean squeezed his knee. 'Just try and keep calm, okay? Do your box breathing.'

Cas nodded and did as he was told, but he couldn't stop fidgeting in his seat. 

Dean stopped outside a store once they arrived in town. 'Wait here with Hoagie a minute,' he said as he got out of the car. 'I won't be long.'

As soon as Dean was gone, he knew that something besides Hoagie was in the back seat, so he bit his lip and closed his eyes again. 'It's not real,' he whispered. 'It can't hurt me, it's not real.' He jumped as Dean got back into the car. 

'Got something for you,' Dean grinned. He passed Cas a plush dachshund teddy in a hot dog bun. 'It's a hot dog, get it?' 

Cas took it and hugged it close. 

'I'm thinking we can call him Hoagie Jr.'

'I'd like that.'

Dean drove them around to another part of town, nearer the beach, and parked the car. ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Let’s get some of that sea air, I know you love it.’

They all got out of the car, Hoagie included, and Dean walked them to a beach shack to buy them ice-cream.

‘Chocolate sprinkles, your favourite,’ Dean said, passing Cas a cone.

They sat together on a bench, the salty air blowing over them.

‘We used to do this every weekend,’ Dean said, licking his ice-cream. ‘If you had the weekend off, I mean.’

Cas just held his cone in his hand. ‘It’s a - a little c-cold for ice-cream, Dean.’

‘Yeah, you’re right. Here, take my jacket.’ Dean took off his heavy leather jacket and wrapped it around Cas, taking the cone out of his hand.

Cas could hear the waves in the distance, and Dean sighed next to him.

‘Cas,’ he said eventually, holding Cas’s hand. ‘I know you don’t want to go, but I really think it would be a good idea, you just gotta trust me on this.’

Cas bit his lip. ‘Not yet,’ he said.

‘There’s no rush,’ said Dean. 

Cas leaned back against the bench and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. Hoagie sat at his feet, and Hoagie Jr in his lap. 

They sat quietly together for maybe an hour, until Cas sat up, holding Hoagie Jr tightly. ‘Okay, Dean,’ he said, pushing away his fear, ‘I think it’s time to go now.’

‘Yeah?’

Cas nodded.

‘All right, then.’

They walked slowly back to the car, Cas shivering the whole way, and flinching whenever he heard a voice in his ear.

Dean drove slightly faster than he should have, as though worried that Cas might change his mind, and they arrived at the hospital within minutes of leaving the beach shack.

‘Here we go,’ said Dean, taking Cas’s bag out of the trunk. ‘They’re expecting us, so don’t worry, everyone’s prepared.’

'What about Hoagie?' Cas asked. 

'He has to wait here.'

'Oh.' Cas lifted him out of the back seat for a quick cuddle. 'I'll miss you,' he said, kissing Hoagie on the top of his head. 

'You can bring Hoagie Jr,' Dean said encouragingly. 

Cas nodded, not trusting his voice.  

Dean lead him away from the main building, towards a separate facility. 

'I - I don't know if I can - can do this alone,' Cas mumbled, walking slowly towards the building. 

'You're not alone, you got Hoagie Jr,' Dean smiled. 

'Dean.'

Dean stopped and turned Cas to face him. 'Listen to me, Cas. I am not the right person to help you right now,' he said seriously. 'I can't make these things go away, and I definitely can't get you any meds. But they can.' Dean cupped Cas’s face. 'This is all I can do for you.'

Cas sniffed and rested his head on Dean's chest for a moment. 'How long do I have to stay?'

‘I think that’s up to you and your doctors.’

‘All right.’ 

They finally made it inside, where a few doctors were waiting for them. Cas didn't recognise any of them for a minute, but then saw Penny hovering by a door on the other side of the reception room. He was somewhat relieved, but still held onto Dean’s hand tightly.

‘Hello, Cas,’ one of the doctors said, smiling kindly. ‘We’ve been waiting for you.’

‘Sorry,’ he mumbled.

‘Don’t be silly,’ he said. ‘Now, before we get you settled, we have to do a quick entry assessment, you think you’re up to that?’

Cas looked at Dean, who nodded reassuringly.

‘And this must be Dean,’ said the doctor. ‘Come, step into my office. Dean can come too,’ he said at Cas’s expression.

It was a comfortable office, with a large desk and squashy couch. Cas and Dean sat on the couch, and the doctor behind the desk. Penny came in after, and perched on the desk.

‘Hi, Cas,’ she said. ‘It’s good to see you. I was worried.’

‘Did - did you know - about-?’

‘It was in your file,’ Penny admitted. ‘I was monitoring you for symptoms, and you never showed anything… but then you stopped coming.’

‘For the record, I’m still annoyed that no one told me.’

‘That’s fair.’

The doctor cleared his throat. ‘Okay, I’m going to ask you a few questions, just to get an idea of what we’re dealing with here… All right, let’s start with a little bit about your physical health. You’ve been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Epilepsy, is that correct?’

Cas nodded.

‘And you’ve been on some medication for that, I see. Are you taking that regularly?’

‘Uh, no, I - I ran out, and forgot to get more.’

‘Okay, and how frequent are your seizures currently?’

‘I don’t know. I was - I was writing it down before, but I don’t have my notebook.’ Cas tensed again. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s all right, Cas,’ the doctor said firmly. ‘We’re not expecting anything of you, this is just an assessment.’

‘Relax,’ Dean whispered. ‘It’s okay.’

‘I’ve seen all of your trauma reports as well, and the effects of your brain injury appear to be consistent… Do you feel dizzy or nauseous at all?’

Cas shook his head.

‘And you’re not on any medication for your mental health?’

‘No. My other doctor was worried it would interact with my anticonvulsants. He wanted me to be more stable on them.’

‘Yes, I can see that from his notes here… It’s good that you remember, though.’ He gave Cas a smile. ‘You weren’t worried about him the last time you saw him?’ the doctor asked Penny.

‘Not at all. In fact, I felt we were making great progress.’

‘All right, so do either of you have an idea of what might have triggered this?’

Cas fidgeted, his discomfort growing. ‘Dean and I - we-’

‘We were having a tough time,’ Dean continued for him. ‘I stayed with my brother for a while, and the other times this happened, he was triggered by loss, so I’m assuming…’ He trailed off with a shrug.

‘Does that sound right, Cas?’ the doctor asked.

But Cas’s blood turned to ice, and he shook his head. ‘I’m not seeing you.’

‘No? Jeez, Cas. I’m not saying I wanted you to lose it, but-’

‘No, no, you don’t understand,’ Cas mumbled, gripping Hoagie Jr tighter in his lap. ‘I didn’t lose you. I knew you were coming back.’ He curled inward slightly, glancing up at the corner, where the fake Castiel had appeared, arms folded.

Dean grabbed his hand and squeezed. ‘Then, what is it?’

“Get away from Dean”

Cas’s breathing came in short, sharp gasps. ‘It’s me,’ he told them.

‘You?’ Dean said in confusion. ‘What do you mean it’s you?’

“He’s not yours”

‘Leave me alone,’ Cas muttered. ‘Go away.’

‘Cas,’ Dean prompted, but Cas didn’t respond.

Cas stared as the fake Castiel snarled at him and started to glow. ‘W-what are you doing?’ The room started to shake, as though in an earthquake. ‘Stop it!’ Then a high-pitched whine filled his ears, so loud he thought his ears might burst. He grabbed his head and groaned loudly. It got louder and louder, drowning everything else out, until he felt something on his knee. He looked and saw Dean kneeling in front of him, tapping his knee. He was saying something, but Cas couldn’t hear him, so he held up four fingers, pointed at them, then gestured at himself exaggeratedly breathing in and out.

Cas understood and, struggling at first, did some box breathing to the count of Dean’s fingers. Soon, the quaking stopped and the fake Castiel faded away again. Cas grabbed fistfuls of his hair and pulled his legs up onto the couch.

‘I think that will do for now,’ the doctor said, closing his file.

‘Cas, can you hear me?’ Dean murmured.

Cas nodded stiffly, and Dean exhaled heavily. 

‘We’ll start you on some medication and get you settled in,’ said the doctor. ‘Is everyone in agreement?’

Penny and Dean agreed, and Cas nodded.

‘All right, then.’ Everyone stood up, Dean pulling Cas with him.

‘I’ll be back to see you in a few days,’ Penny said, smiling at him. ‘We’ll see how you’re feeling then.’

They went back out into the reception area, where Penny and the doctor said goodbye. There was a nurse waiting for them by the entrance to the ward.

‘Dean, wait,’ Cas whispered.

‘What, you didn’t think I was going without saying goodbye, did you?’

Cas didn’t say anything.

‘I know you’re scared,’ Dean said, rubbing Cas’s shoulders, ‘so I’m gonna tell you exactly what you told me last time.’ He smiled. ‘There is nothing to be afraid of, they’re gonna take good care of you here, and - and,’ Dean faltered slightly, lip trembling. ‘I love you so much, and I’ll see you soon, okay?’

‘I really said that? I sound smart.’

Dean gave a watery laugh. ‘Yeah, you are.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You were right though, I’d listen to you. So - so just make sure you’ve got Hoagie Jr, and everything will be fine.’

Cas hugged Dean tightly.

‘All right, all right, get out of here, they’re waiting,’ Dean chuckled.

‘Oh, Dean, your jacket,’ Cas said, shrugging it off.

‘Why don’t you keep hold of it for now?’

‘Are you sure. Won’t you be cold?’

‘Nah, I got plenty of jackets at home. I think you’ll need it more than I will.’

Cas smiled, and glanced back at the nurse waiting for him. ‘I should go.’ He gently took his bag out of Dean’s hands. ‘Bye, Dean.’ He turned away, putting the jacket back on, and followed the nurse inside. He gave Dean a quick wave before he and the nurse turned a corner.

‘Don’t be nervous,’ the nurse said. ‘You’re gonna be just fine.’

Cas nodded.

‘My name’s Meg, and I’m gonna be helping you out in here, so if you got any questions, I’ll be right there.’

‘Thank you.’

‘This isn’t a locked ward, or anything, so if you want to get some fresh air, or make a phone call, just let me know. Dean left us his number, so don’t worry about trying to remember it.’

She walked him through the ward, past a row of rooms. Most of them were in use already, and Cas could see pictures and potted plants through the open doors.

‘We usually prefer to keep these doors open during the day, but if you want some space to calm down, we can make an exception this afternoon,’ Meg said, showing Cas into his own room. 

He put his bag down, along with Hoagie Jr and Dean’s jacket.

‘I’ll show you the communal areas, and then you can decide what to do next.’

Meg took him past the rooms, and into a big open space filled with chairs, stacks of plastic drawers up against one wall, a large table, and a TV hung high up on the wall. There were patients milling about. Some were sitting around, watching TV, others were at the table with various crafts.

‘This is the activity room,’ Meg told Cas. ‘You don’t have to hang around in here if you don’t want to, but this is where we host group therapies in the evenings, if that’s something you think would help.’ They went through another door on the other side of the room, and along another corridor. This one was lined with windows.

‘We do have a garden out there, but there’s not much to do in the winter,’ Meg said apologetically. ‘We already planted all of our winter bulbs.’ They continued on into the canteen, where Meg told him when meals would be. 

‘This is usually where you’ll be taking your medications too. Have you been prescribed anything?’

‘I think so.’

‘We’ll keep track of all that stuff for you, so you don’t have to worry about a thing.’

Cas nodded. 

Meg then showed him where the bathrooms were.

‘Can I go back to my room?’

‘Of course you can, I’ll take you back there.’

She walked him back through the ward to his room.

‘We’ve set up your room specially,’ Meg said. ‘You’ve got your own call nurse button for your seizures, so if you feel one coming on, just press the button and one of us will come to help you.’

‘Thank you, Meg.’

‘I’ll leave you to it.’

Cas was glad to be in quiet of his own room. On their way back, he couldn’t quite work out whether all the other patients were staring at him, or if he was imagining it.

He put his clothes away in the little chest of drawers in his room, and wrapped Dean’s jacket around himself. He saw his reflection move in the tiny mirror hanging on the back of the door. ‘You don’t scare me any more,’ he muttered, before turning the mirror over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to thegirlJulie, Rosyclover, NolaBelle, StarsAreStupid, Natisantos18 and Dragon67 for the comments! See you again next time!


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